Comm App Essay--- too boring?

Applying to College
21

<p>It's funny that you say that about the "normal girl/brain/talent" thing. I just got home from work and sat down to look at this, and those were the main things I changed. I don't think that I want to focus on a specific event because, after an introduction and background explanation, some minor story(which is all it would be, I didn't have any life changing revelation or want to commit suicide or anything), than a strong conclusion to make up for the unnecessary commentary, I think it would be boring and WAY over the word limit. (plus I'm SICK of writing this)</p>

<p>Do you think it is THAT bad?</p>

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<p>As far back as I can remember my life has included traveling and learning about other lands and cultures. Be it the technologically advanced Germans or the impoverished Belizeans, the knowledge of the world and its various personalities has given me a different perspective on life in America. Until high school, normality was not a term used to describe my education. With a military family, home schooling was the only alternative which would allow for some type of structure and continuity while the locations of our home changed. When my father retired, I was thrown into a world of social cliques, materialistic divisions, and standardized education also known as public high school.<br>
For all of my life I had been my own teacher, my own counselor, and my own critic. Fitting in wasn’t a problem from a functional point of view; I had the brains for the classroom and the talent for the field but where I struggled was in trying to understand the priorities and expectations of the normal American youth. As a senior now and the leader of various school and community based organizations, I like to think that my background has shaped the person that I have become. For the past few years, I have dabbled in a little bit of everything trying to experience all of what high school had to offer and as a way to find out who I really am. Although varied and somewhat expansive, through my extracurriculars I have been able to influence my peers with my somewhat eccentric personality and have found the areas which I truly enjoy. I’ve discovered that I have a passion for technology and its influence on society. This is how I chose engineering, a technical career with endless possibilities in the social and political world. As a seemingly normal girl, my chosen career path isn’t quite what is expected, but then again, my past isn’t exactly normal either. I can only hope that my foundations will provide me with the ability to succeed in the future as they have in my past.</p>

22

<p>I know you must be sick of this by now! Last year, my daughter rewrote her essay about a dozen times. We started calling it "the onion" because each time she wrote it, she had peeled away another layer on her way to the heart of the essay.</p>

<p>Three words of advice: Show, don't say.</p>

<p>When I read your essay, I am frustrated because I know there is more there than you share. Ditch the passive voice. (Two quick examples: "has given me" and "was thrown into".) I stand by my advice - and I believe other parents told you the same thing on another thread - to focus on one event or dilemma and build from there. By no means does this have to be, as you say, "a life changing revelation or want to commit suicide or anything."</p>

<p>I would also avoid using the word "dabbling" in an essay, especially for any of the elite universities or LACs. You don't want to sound like a dilettante when adcoms are looking for students with deep passions and commitments.</p>

<p>And one quick grammar note: Watch the "which"es. "With a military family, home schooling was the only alternative <em>which</em> would allow for some type of structure...." Replace "which" with "that".</p>

<p>Perhaps you might consider setting aside your essay for a day or two. With the pressure of "I have to write my essay, I have to write my essay" relieved for at least 24 hours, you can go back to the keyboard with fresh energy.</p>