Common App Essay, Critique it please!

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<p>Many climb Mt. Everest or journey to an Ashram in Tibet to discover themselves; for me the answer was much closer. I packed my bags with bug spray under the illusion of an altruist, giving up a week of my summer to camp with behaviorally and emotionally challenged children. By the week’s end, I was covered in mosquito bites and had developed a totally different perspective. Amongst many other things, this experience taught me philanthropy is a gift, not only for the beneficiary, but also for the humanitarian.
Growing up with a strong sense of civic duty, I have volunteered with various organizations, but it was Camp Discovery that led me on the path of my own self-discovery. Learning that I could enhance my already extrovert tendencies and override my inhibitions gave me a sense of self-assurance. Never before would I burst out in song in public; that was strictly reserved for the shower, mainly out of consideration for those around me. At the camp, however, I found myself uninhibited; I even performed in the talent show in front of campers and peers. I remarkably was at ease. This nonjudgmental environment was a phenomenal experience for the campers as well as myself. I realized that taking a step out of my comfort zone is not only constructive, but extremely beneficial.
Letting go of my inhibitions was just one of my obstacles. As a society we subconsciously judge people on a superficial basis and congregate accordingly. By being stripped of all the material trappings and technology that tend to divide us, we were forced to get to know each other without any preconceptions of wealth and status. At Camp Discovery everyone lived in the same rustic conditions and went into it with nothing more than T-shirts, soap, and bug spray. Everyone was required to leave all modern technologies at home. I have to admit, I was apprehensive at the thought of living without my cell phone, ipod, and computer. Telling teenagers they cannot text, watch television, or go on Facebook for a week is, well let me put it this way, it would be easier to give up oxygen. In retrospect I can honestly say it was an eye-opening experience for me. Looking back over the week, there was not a moment that I missed any one of my possessions. In fact it was quite the opposite; I realized what I believed to be necessities were not necessities at all. That time usually spent “wired” was instead dedicated to conversing, laughing, and playing. This allowed me to create a personal bond with my camper, Eryn. I realized how I used to squander precious time consumed by material assets instead of using it in a more effective and worthwhile way.
This was my first experience at a “sleep-away” camp, and it was reassuring to have this successful experience on my own before I transition to a University. That week I not only thrived on my own, but I took on the role of a mother, a teacher, and a counselor, as well. Twenty-four seven I was required to put Eryn’s needs before my own; whether it was two a.m. bathroom calls or playing her favorite game for the millionth time. And rather then begrudge the completely dependent relationship, I found it to be the most rewarding experience of my life. It was not until the end of the week that I realized the impact I had on her and the depth of the bond we had formed. Upon leaving the emotion that overcame me as she ran up and hugged me, sobbing, is indescribable. Nothing is more gratifying than seeing your impact on someone else’s life, knowing your good deed has had even a small affect on someone less-fortunate.
I returned home with a whole new mindset. After taking away the outlet of technology and the restrictions of inhibitions, I am now able to experience life on a deeper and more personal level. Not hung up on frills and criticism, I am able to explore my capabilities. I did not climb to the highest altitude or travel to the origins of inner peace, I merely volunteered, but I was profoundly impacted and enlightened. This experience was just one step down my path of self-exploration.</p>

<p>please, I’m open to all constructive criticism! All commentary is welcome!</p>

<p>Well done!! Im not a stickler for grammar but i think the most important part of your essay was incorporating the camps impact on you. many a times i have read an essay describing the camp experience, and author would fail to mention the camps effect on him/her.</p>

<p>just out of curiosity, what schools do you plan to apply to?</p>

<p>Thank you very much. And I’m applying to a large variety of school; Drexel, Penn, St. Joes, Villanova, Loyola, Univ of Maryland, Univ of Delaware, Pitt, College of NJ, Westchester</p>

<p>You have a nice, natural mix of vocabulary, not just words chosen from a thesaurus. Plus I like your beginning, you write in a very modest tone. its also good how you incorporated your own lessons and the camp together, your essay flows very nicely.</p>

<p>At the end, you could try to abstract your meaning a bit more, instead of directly saying that you have explored a whole new level of yourself, etc etc, you could continue your mount everest thing, like you did at the beginning which was again very well said. There, that just something that I think you could improve on, and this is completely my own opinion so dont cry or anything! :]</p>

<p>how old is Eryn?
what kind of condition or problems did she have?</p>

<p>also,
you could add you were a counselor in this sentence: “giving up a week of my summer to camp”
that way when you bond later on with your ‘camper’ it makes more sense lolo</p>

<p>Thanx, both great ideas. I definitely think I should adjust my ending, add more of an edge and a “bang” last sentence. And I also agree that I should put counselor instead of camping with in that sentence. About Eryn I technically am not allowed to divulge any information about her because of the camps confidentiality agreement. Thanx again, really appreciate it!</p>

<p>you may want to change her name for confidentiality purposes. i had to in mine.</p>

<p>really? Even without a last name? Ok thanx for the tip</p>

<p>anyone have anything else to add? anything at all??? Please!</p>

<p>I liked your essay a lot, especially the starting.
That start got me all interested but my interest dipped a little especially towards the end. That i feel can be worked upon.
But the schools you mentioned you are applying to, i m sure it will do very well in most of them. Best of luck.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

<p>Very well written. Interesting and grasping.</p>

<p>Overall well done, but I think your conclusion could use some work, esp your last sentence.
“This experience was just one step down my path of self-exploration.” Either elaborate on that or take it off because it sounds like a cliffhanger to me. What other steps did you take?</p>

<p>“Letting go of my inhibitions was just one of my obstacles OVERCOME.” (?)
BTW essay reading on CC is typically done through PM, because of widespread paranoia about essay stealing. Just a heads up.
As a person who likes to read essays, I find the just-post-it method more convenient; however, I do not want you to become a victim. This hasn’t happened to anyone personally.</p>

<p>I don’t think you need to worry about essay stealing…I doubt many people go to camp with “behaviorally and emotionally challenged children.” It’s more of an issue for prompts that are not about you personally.</p>

<p>Thank you very much. I am new to this site, and I don’t know all the ins and outs of the website</p>

<p>How do I remove it?</p>