Common App Personal Essay Check!!!

Can anybody please check my Personal Statement Essay. I really need help with it ASAP!!! Thank You!!

I have always wanted to be a successful businessman when I was very young. My dad and my other family members have been a long inspiration for me. I have been brought up in an environment surrounded by successful entrepreneur and business owners in the family. This kind of environment helped me to set my goals and strive to fulfill my dream of becoming a successful businessman. My dad is a successful businessman who owns several jewelry stores in the bay area. What’s also interesting about my dad was that he was a CPA before he started his business. I often work with my dad in his office and stores every weekend throughout my life. Over time, I learned how to do many tasks and know what it’s like to run a successful business. I believe having a degree in business administration is the key to acquiring the tools and skills necessary to navigate in the competitive world of business. In the future, I envision myself as a successful business owner. Although I suffer from Autism, it doesn’t stop me from doing what I like and working hard to achieve my dreams. I was diagnosed with Autism when I was three years old. Over time I learned to deal with my disability which helped me to succeed throughout my life. I always enjoy challenging myself and the most important thing to do is to push yourself and expand your social network so that you can make more connections with new peers and professors. The one most important praise everyone should know when they are pursuing their degree is “Just do it”.

I’m currently attending Ohlone Community College because it offers an excellent learning experience and professors who are very knowledgeable In their fields. The reason why I want to transfer out of Ohlone because I wanted to continue to pursue my business degree and to gain the education I need to become a successful businessman just like my father. It’s always been my goal to start my own business and I’m been working diligently to prepare myself in Ohlone college. I love how Ohlone is good with its business courses and program, however, they have limited opportunities and degree offering programs. I wanted to get more opportunities when I transfer which helps me a lot. LMU is has a very strong business program and I believe that this university will help me to gain new knowledge and the skills I need to become a successful person. What’s also interesting about LMU is its environment and that Its located in Los Angeles which is the number one city I love. I have been dreaming of living in Los Angeles since I was little. The environment is so amazing that I wanted to transfer to this university to pursue my business administration degree. I’m definitely ready to transfer out of Ohlone and take the next step in my education so that one day I can fulfill my destiny and make my dreams come true. I also plan to pursue my masters so that I can expand my knowledge of the business world and to also prepare myself for the competitive world.
In conclusion, I would like to say that if I become a student of your university, I will put in all the effort to become the best student of this university.
Thank you very much for considering my application.

It’s a really, REALLY bad idea to post your essay online.

Aside from the obvious-- it opens it up to be plagiarized by someone else-- it will now get picked up by the plagiarism filters when YOU try to use it-- so you’ll be plagiarizing from yourself.

There’s some awkward phrases, but mostly what @bjkmom said. Can they get it taken down?

@WeLoveLyman You have to request a site admin to take it down sadly.

@Zeeshstar97 Also, two-paragraph style of writing is way too daunting to read. Use a I-B-B-B-C format so you have good flow and it’s easier for the admission people to read and understand your message.