Concerned about sounding conceited

College Essays
1

<p>Hi guys. After reading my essays that I sent in for an EA application, I'm concerned that I sound like a conceited, arrogant teenager..</p>

<p>First, I use fancy word choice like "he is a personification of...", "enchanting", "abruptness", "much to my chagrin", "rubbing my eyes with fervor", "accustomed", "with a morose saunter", "musn't", and "coveted". </p>

<p>Second, I use some bad phrasing. For example, I say "I don't consider my connection to my dad to be unlucky anymore; rather, his resolution has opened my world to a time unknown to most of my classmates", which to me makes it sound like I think I'm special and experience something no one else does. I also say that "Even in an activity as ordinary as reading some kid's college essay, surprises lie in the wait." This sounds like I'm belittling admission's jobs. Lastly, I say "My first ventures into __<em>, told me that I was an urban dawdler at heart. I much prefer the busy, exciting streets of _</em> to my quiet suburban home town", making it sound like I am criticising my home. </p>

<p>Am I right in that I sound arrogant or conceited? Or am I just being paranoid? Thanks in advance for your views, guys.</p>

2

<p>“Even in an activity as ordinary as reading some kid’s college essay, surprises lie in the wait.”</p>

<p>This worries me, but it may make sense in context. Did you break the 4th wall (directly address your audience)? That might be weird in a college essay. </p>

<p>The other things just make you look like your trying to show off you SAT vocab words but everyone does a bit of that. If you’ve sent it in, you can’t do anything but wait.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the reply. Are you worried that I broke the 4th wall, or that I sound conceited in the quote you chose?</p>

4

<p>My kid actually talks that way (believe me, disconcerting at times and just baffling/annoying at others). So it sounds fine to me. :slight_smile: No point in worrying now, the essays are gone… if you are not happy, revise them for your other applications.</p>

5

<p>Nothing to be done for it now.</p>

<p>As the mom of a kid who talks like a book, neither the vocab nor the content bothered me particularly. I thought some of the phrasing was non-idiomatic, but that may just be me.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the responses. Anyone else?</p>

7

<p>Nah, keep it. However, just be careful you don’t go off on stream of consciousness.</p>

<p>The essays are a reflection of your writing style, and who you are … so it’s good to let that out Bart. Let them realize if you’re a proper fit with them or not :).</p>