Here is the situation
I am currently attending a T40 university in the Northeast and really am considering transferring to a different institution. I have reasons to stay but also reasons that make me want to leave, so I am going to just list out everything and hope someone here can give me the advice I need. Sorry if this is long.
To give some quick background, when applying to colleges I really hadn’t researched schools as much as I probably should have. I had no clue where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study, so I ended up just applying to a range of schools from state schools to some Ivys. I kid you not, I applied to my school knowing absolutely nothing about it thinking “Hey, I know that name and I’ve heard thats a good school so I guess I’ll just apply there too.” Looking back this was so dumb. I had no desire to even go there and just put that in to beed up the number of schools I applied to. So when acceptances rolled around and I got waitlisted from the Ivys, I felt like I was responsible for going to the most “prestigious” university that accepted me. I felt I couldn’t turn down a “better” school for a “worse” one, or else what would people think of me? Especially my parents, who really wanted me to go to the most prestigious school I got into. So when May came I simply just said “ok I guess I’ll go here” having never visited and knowing very little about the school.
Academically, this school is “prestigious” by definition, yet my field of interest is probably the least strong aspect of my school’s overall academic reputation. After accepted I became somewhat aware of this but did not think my field would be as understaffed and underdeveloped as it actually turns out to be. It also tries very hard to be an Ivy when it is not one. it almost feels like High School 2.0 with the way they see students and the methods of the school.
But the real problem is the social scene here. I know that parties and drinking is not everything that college is about, but coming from living in NYC it was always a big part of my life. So when I learned (after committing) that my school wasn’t known for having the biggest social scene I was a little concerned but assured myself that It couldn’t be THAT bad. Well now that I am here, It is way worse than I could have ever expected. The phrase I have heard that seems to ring super true is that my school “Tries so hard to be a party school even though it knows it will never be one.” The bars in this city are extremely strict, there is no greek life at my school, and the biggest attraction are the parties in the senior dorms which overall are underwhelming and feel like High School house parties. Before college me and my friends would go out to bars and such every weekend, but here I have not even gone once because bars that are not as strict are far and few between. Every weekend is the same: underclassmen and upperclassmen alike just drink with a group of friends in their dorm/off-campus house. And for many here that is more than enough for them, including all my friends I have here who think it is super fun. But I just am not content with it, I feel like I need more in my life than just that.
I understand how it sounds, but going out is a big part of my social life and a big part is what I genuinely enjoy doing. In my 2+ months I have been here now, I have not once genuinely thought I was fully enjoying myself. Sure there have been some fun times with friends on the weekends, but even in the best times I still find myself thinking how I wish I could be much happier here than I actually am.
Lastly, this school costs an arm and a leg. My parents want me to have the best education possible so they insisted on burdening the cost despite that we did not get much financial aid. They refuse to have me take out student loans. But I know that the cost, although its not going to bankrupt us, will somewhat put a strain on things. But If I am genuinely not happy at my school, is paying ~60k a year really worth it?
The school I want to transfer to is an in-state university. Despite that it is actually pretty well ranked nationally for a SUNY and is probably considered one of the best public universities in the country. It solves everything that I have qualms about here at my current school: I know the school very well and have a good amount of friends who go there so I have visited many times, the school have a thriving social scene (with bars, greek life, etc.), and it has a surprisingly good engineering department. My current school IS factually better academically, but the state school has everything I want academically from an education and is in some ways better for what I want to do. Just because a school is “better” doesn’t mean it is better for ME, right? Also, tuition is 10x less expensive (literally). Im sure it would lighten the load on my parents a decent amount. When I go there to visit I feel so comfortable there and feel it is much more my speed and a much better fit for ME. It was my #2 choice and, although I was accepted, I turned it down.
Here are my concerns. For one, although the partying/going-out scene here is abysmal, I have made some very great friends who I would be sad to leave behind. They are all fun and amazing, and I have grown very close with many people here. But even they seem just content with the lifestyle here where I feel like I need more. Also, Im concerned with what people will think of me for transferring to a prestigious private school to a SUNY. I feel like I am blessed to have gotten into this school and throwing it away would almost be a diss. Lastly, my boyfriend attends the school that I am thinking of applying to. I know what you are thinking but it isn’t like that. Actually, him going there almost is my biggest hesitation for going there. Not only because Im scared of what people will say about me for being that person who transfers for a boyfriend, but Im also scared that I will rob both me and him of our independence. I love him so much and he loves me too, but I don’t want to just show up and start stepping on his toes. And I don’t wanna be that person who has no friends besides their S/O at school. If I go there I want to have friends of my OWN and have my own life. Obviously it would be so nice to have him so close to me rather than a 8hr bus ride away, but I would never solely transfer just for some guy. I know that we would both be happier, but Im worried its not going to be healthy for our relationship. (I also have not even talked to him about this yet and am worried he will secretly think Im crazy for wanting to transfer to his school). He has his life there and although I know he will be supportive of what I choose, I know he would never tell me if me going there would make him uncomfortable. Maybe subconsciously I am saying all this because I want to justify being with him, but I truly do not that that is the case. If he did not exist, the situation would not be different.
This has turned out pretty long and I could go on for ever more about how I am just unhappy with my school. I know I should give it a chance and I am genuinely trying to, but at every turn I think more and more that this school just isn’t my fit. And if I am not truly happy, then should I do what I think will make me happier and what is the best for me?
It’s the boy and you know it