I hope this community can help me with a dilemma I’m having in deciding if my college freshman should continue living on campus next semester. Although we live a 20-30 minute commute from his school, he has been living on campus at a private school this fall semester. Academically he is doing well, however, the dorms are very distracting for him. He is not used to being around so many people 24/7 does not sleep through the night or eat well. Some of that is expected, of course … however, because his homework, essays and studying take much longer than needed because of the constant distractions, he gets very overwhelmed when everything is coming due and starts doubting his abilities, says he’s not cut out for college (he currently has 2 As and 3 Bs in his college courses) and panics. He is very rude to us (his parents), and seems unappreciative of this opportunity we are giving him to live at school. We are not wealthy and luckily received financial help from the school. He says he does not want to live at home though because he does not want any rules. Obviously, he does like the ultimate freedom of living on campus!
The other part of the situation is now he has gotten to know the dorm friends better and is partying a lot, drinking, smoking pot, and I believe vaping. While I understand this, too, is something of the transition stage … experimentation and peer pressure, but I worry it could escalate into something worse. He gets to sleep every night after 2am, but until today, hasn’t missed a class. Today he didn’t make his 10am (!) class because he overslept. I’m sure his body is exhausted. Of course, living at home will save us a lot of money, almost $7,000 … dorms on a private campus are very expensive.
But another part of me thinks … this is the only opportunity he will have to live in a college dorm … and it’s only for this first year. We never intended it to be more than one year because of the cost. He is adamant to stay on campus next semester. What are your thoughts? We need to decide quickly because the fees for spring semester are due in a week. Thank you for your time!
This is really tricky. You have two big goals for your son in this first year, the first being adjusting to academics and doing well in college, the second being learning to live independently. At this point in time, his lifestyle choices are running the risk of tanking his academic progress, those being progress grades and not final semester grades. While this is not an unusual story, it’s nerve-wracking for parents going through it who are obviously stretching themselves financially to make the dorm life experience possible for their child.
Since you live close by, you could go have a meeting with him before you have to pay his bill. You have some options for renegotiating the terms of your agreement, it is your money.
Sorry that you don’t want rules, not real life, you need to agree to parent’s rules, and school rules, respectfully/gratefully/politely or the purse can close.
The priority of college is academic and earning a degree, friendship, partying, etc is a fun side effect, but can’t interfere with academics. The “imposter” syndrome may reduce a bit if he can work through the conflict between academic priority and social life/partying (which no doubt he knows concerns you).
You could have him move out of the dorm for spring term with the plan of improved functioning (whatever you decide the criteria for that is) and he could earn the opportunity to live in the dorm next fall since you’d planned funding another semester anyway (that is if that’s possible at his school, not sure it would be at my daughter’s).
You could require him to take out a loan (if he hasn’t already) or get a part-time job and have to pay you back for some of the housing costs if he is going to continue to live in the dorm. That way he may have more skin in the game as far as what is going into his opportunity for him.
Until you get this sorted out, I would make sure he doesn’t have access to any of your accounts or credit cards.
You and your husband can work out these kinds of things in a written contract with him, with all of the minimal expectations outlined. If he doesn’t meet expectations then future funding of his education is at risk. Bottom line, education, even with financial aid costs too much not to try do everything you can to prevent failure before it happens.
Thank you NorthernMom61. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your viewpoint. Yes, my son has no access to funds, even his own savings account. He has a debit card which I would put some of his summer money on in increments, then I discovered he was using those funds to purchase alcohol on the weekends. So now it’s restricted even more with only $10-$15 for food off campus once in awhile, although lately he’s been wanting to eat more off than on campus. I told him the on campus meal plan is already paid for (almost $2400!), so he must use it. But there’s a lot of wealthy students (being a private school) and they seem to have limitless funds from their parents, so he wants to do the same as them.
Dorms next year as a sophomore are not guaranteed by the college and from what I’ve heard, he has little chance of being selected anyway since we are local (which makes sense). The plan always was just one or two semesters in the dorms, as the cost is ridiculous.
Now we’re at the last weekend before finals next week. He is stressed and said he was going to take it easy this weekend, rest and study. Learned just this morning he was up until 3am (I’m sure not studying) and slept in this morning until 1pm… even though he had a library study room reserved for noon. Ugh… So frustrating. I have tried to discuss it with him. He gets very defensive and acts, quite frankly, entitled. He raises his voice and exclaims if he can’t stay in the dorms, he’d rather drop out completely. I just respond and tell him to tell us now if that’s what he really wants to do, before I pay the fees for spring. Then he says nothing.
Thank you for the tip about the parent forum. I didn’t know about it … kind of new to this site. I will see about posting there, too. Thanks, again!
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Sometimes colleges cut financial aid if a student isn’t living on campus. You should check before assuming you would save money. It does sound like you may be micromanaging a bit. How do you know he missed a class? How do you know he had a study room reserved and didn’t make it?
We tried to set broad requirements for our kids. If they passed their classes and were making progress toward their degree, with fairly good grades, they could live their own lives on campus. I’d say 2 As and 3 Bs is pretty good if he ends his semester that way. It is a reasonable GPA for college. Students stay up far later than we would like in college, and sometimes party – the question is whether the level he is partying is unhealthy, or just him spreading his wings a bit.
I’d guess he will want to move to an apartment near campus instead of coming home next year, too. Just be prepared for that request.
What is his financial stake in this? Has he taken out his federal loans to pay for college? Is he working part time right now, and planning to work over the summer for pay? Is he covering his own spending money and books? Increasing his financial stake is something I’d consider if you don’t want to cover all the cost, and/or if he is being snotty about the sacrifices your family is making for him.
I agree with being a little more hands off. You surely have more info (skipped class, partying, study room reservation, grades to date, etc.) than most parents of college kids have. Either he’s good at sharing (kudos) or you’re snooping too much IMO.
2 As/3Bs is far from failure. Missing one class (just one!) is far from an issue. It sounds like he’s doing pretty well for a first year student.
When it comes to time management, partying, etc. I think the student needs to learn through the consequences of their own actions rather than heavy handed parenting.
Part of being a productive college student is being a happy college student. Part of being a happy college student is having a life balance and social life. Would he be able to have a social life at home? If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, but I wouldn’t base the decision on missing a class and partying a little if he is performing adequately which he is.
Also, it is pretty normal for a college student to feel a bit stressed prior to exams. Learning to persevere and adjust is part of the life and adulting skills one hopes one’s child learns while at college.
I think considering a part-time job net semester could be a good idea, something like 8-15 hours a week. I’ve always found it actually makes a student more productive despite the extra hours as it requires scheduling and staying on task.
Cut the cord momma. Let the kid grow up. My neighbors sent both of their kids to local schools. The didn’t allow the car and basically told them they would not be home till the holidays. They may as well been 2000 miles away.
The only thing I would tell the kid would be to get out of the dorm to study. Colleges these days have all sorts of unique places for the kids to study. Take advantage.
I’m very on the fence about this as a parent. We throw money at our kids for their education, with certain expectations about their grades and behavior, which I think is reasonable when you are footing the bill. On the other hand, they hit 18 and technically are adults: they have to give us permission to get any sort of info about them (grades, finances, medical, etc.), and they need leeway to make some mistakes while under the umbrella of the “unreal reality” that is college. Some kids learn by watching others; some kids learn by actually having to experience it themselves.
If you decide to give him another semester, I would get him shouldering a bit of the economic burden. He needs a checking account with a small amount of HIS savings money put into it for off-campus eating, etc. I would not give him money for any food beyond his meal plan - it’s not your job to subsidize his off-campus lifestyle (be that food or booze or anything you aren’t OK with). If he runs out of money, a part-time job would be the next thing. A job would eat up some of his time (and probably make him a better user of it) and also give himself some cash that he doesn’t have to have scrutinized; if he blows it, that’s on him. He needs to have some skin in the game, and it needs to be sooner than later. Student loans are too way off in the future to try to correct behavior happening NOW.
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