I hope this community can help me with a dilemma I’m having in deciding if my college freshman should continue living on campus next semester. Although we live a 20-30 minute commute from his school, he has been living on campus at a private school this fall semester. Academically he is doing well, however, the dorms are very distracting for him. He is not used to being around so many people 24/7 does not sleep through the night or eat well. Some of that is expected, of course … however, because his homework, essays and studying take much longer than needed because of the constant distractions, he gets very overwhelmed when everything is coming due and starts doubting his abilities, says he’s not cut out for college (he currently has 2 As and 3 Bs in his college courses) and panics. He is very rude to us (his parents), and seems unappreciative of this opportunity we are giving him to live at school. We are not wealthy and luckily received financial help from the school. He says he does not want to live at home though because he does not want any rules. Obviously, he does like the ultimate freedom of living on campus!
The other part of the situation is now he has gotten to know the dorm friends better and is partying a lot, drinking, smoking pot, and I believe vaping. While I understand this, too, is something of the transition stage … experimentation and peer pressure, but I worry it could escalate into something worse. He gets to sleep every night after 2am, but until today, hasn’t missed a class. Today he didn’t make his 10am (!) class because he overslept. I’m sure his body is exhausted. Of course, living at home will save us a lot of money, almost $7,000 … dorms on a private campus are very expensive.
But another part of me thinks … this is the only opportunity he will have to live in a college dorm … and it’s only for this first year. We never intended it to be more than one year because of the cost. He is adamant to stay on campus next semester. What are your thoughts? We need to decide quickly because the fees for spring semester are due in a week. Thank you for your time!
If you can afford it, then let him stay in the dorm. That was the original plan for this year, so it makes sense to continue with the original plan, since your son wants to stay on campus.
It sounds like activities are going on that are in violation of dorm rules (and laws). I recommend contacting the resident advisor and others if needed to ensure that dorm rules are enforced. Let your son know you are doing this, and remind him of possible consequences of his actions, so hopefully he does not get in trouble. His grades sound okay so far, unless he needs a higher GPA for a scholarship or other long-term goals (certain graduate or professional studies after bachelor’s, e.g.).
If your son is drinking and doing drugs, having him live at home probably is not going to stop that, and instead he might wind up commuting home with DUI. Just a thought… At least on campus he is not likely to get in a car and drive after drinking.
The partying, drinking, etc., are part of the college experience (to the chagrin of some parents, I know.) You can express your displeasure, and warn him such behavior in excess could be bad for him, academically and otherwise. If it continues next semester, you could put your foot down and demand more responsible behavior “or else.”
But If your son’s grades aren’t suffering, I’d say let him stay in the dorms while urging a healthier lifestyle. And if during the next semester your son finds dorm life distracting, you could encourage him to consider renting an apartment with some friends. That might also result in cutting down on some of the partying (Less temptation.)
Is he taking direct loans? If he isn't, I would have him do this and contribute from his job for dorming, that is a luxury for such a small commute. Don't you have a year long contract for room and board?
No one’s mentioned that the college will not take the 7000 dorm charge off the bill and leave your financial aid package the same. You should check with financial aid about how your bill might be affected before making a change.
Those were my thoughts exactly. How do you know he missed a class? Did he call you and tell you or are you monitoring his whereabouts? Either way, you are micromanaging his life way too much and need to step back. I think you should let him stay in the dorm next semester.
I know you come from a place of love and concern for your son…however, you need to give him some space.
There is no reason you should know his class attendance day by day.
And I strongly disagree with @mommyrocks that you should contact his RA and report the activities.
These kids are ADULTS. Young adults, to be sure. But if you keep treating them like kids you are damaging them long term.
Let him stay one more semester. Back off. Let him figure out how to study, how to get his butt to class, how to deal with distractions. That is his JOB right now. Would you go to his workplace and micromanage that if he was working?
If he comes home, there is no reason to believe he will party or use recreational substances any less. He might simply sleep in friends’ rooms or drive under the influence. Being rude isn’t acceptable. Is his rudeness something new? Consider over the holiday break to have a sit-down family talk and let him know that is unacceptable. But be prepared to make some concessions too, as we dont know what is the cause of his irritation.
You could ask the college whether there’s any space in the substance free dorm or the quiet dorm (there’s always one of those). It means he can party in campus but no one can party in his dorm, so it’s quiet when he needs to study. If one is available, tell your son that if he wants to stay on campus he should switch to the quiet dorm. Since you’re paying for a dorm, it should be productive for him.
Note however that going to bed at 2am is normal for college students, and missing one class is no big deal, so he’s doing okay.
However you do know a lot about his daily life, more than is normal for the parent of a college student: do you call every day? Go and visit? (I hope you dont track him, as this would be illegal.) He needs some space - unless he’s the one who calls to complain about the noise and the food, you should get used to not hearing more than once or twice a week.
Academically he is doing well. He’s missed one class all semester as far as you know. He’s making friends. He resents his parents’ interference. He stays up late, parties, and eats lots of junk food. He gets overwhelmed at times from the workload. Sounds like a typical freshman. Let him stay on campus and back off. He’s an adult and you need to treat him like one. He’s doing fine.
When I was first reading your post I would have sworn you were talking about a 14yo. I agree with many of the other posters. You need to step off and give your son space. No, I don’t approve of pot smoking, drinking or vaping, but I also don’t know about any of those activities with my college age offspring. They are adults. Any consequence of those actions are on them. Your son’s grades are good for a freshman college student. Be happy with that.
Finally, you may find the rudeness and disrespect towards you ends when your son feels like you are transitioning to a peer/peer relationship rather than a mommy with her little boy. If you want him to act like an adult. Treat him like one.
I agree with others that freshmen year is the time for our DDs and DSs to learn many adult skills, including self control and responsibility. I worried my DS would oversleep, party all the time, and not do well enough in his classes, and wished I could have a much better sense of what he was up to. He went through a big transition of maturing, and although I’m pretty sure he parties often, he had learned many skills he needs to figure out on his own as an adult. Living away from home forces that, and it takes time for them to figure out what they need to do to be successful. He’s gone through lost wallets, learning how to do laundry, getting sick and needing to make a doctor’s appt on a weekend, missing registration deadlines, getting stuck with early Monday morning classes, etc and sometimes he messed up… But he learned to deal with it independently. Now as a sophomore, he’s already secured a rental home for fall 2019 and has a summer internship lined up. Living away from home is a big step for our kids, and I think better in college then after, when they should be ready to be completely independent.
I agree that staying up until 2am and distractions in the dorm are very common. His grades are good, so it sounds like he’s making his way.
The thing that wouldn’t sit well with me as a parent would be this: “He is very rude to us (his parents), and seems unappreciative of this opportunity we are giving him to live at school”, especially if you are making sacrifices to send him there.
I agree with others that as long as the grades are ok, then leave him alone to do his thing. If you’re talking to him daily about how late he slept and whether or not he went to class, you should consider dialing that back to talking every week or two or three.
Now the rudeness… that I would find unnacceptable. But that’s something to reassess once you’ve eased up on the reins a little. As far as cost, it’s fair to expect him to pay a portion through summer work and an on-campus job. Personally, that’s a conversation I’d have later in the Spring. IMHO it’s always better when kids have some skin the game.
@MYOS1634, a parent should not be the one insisting on a sub free dorm. Odds are that the student will not honor the rules if they didn’t make the choice themselves, and that is unfair to the other residents who did make that choice.
It’s true … but it could help the student to be in a healthier, less noisy environment. Perhaps simply a quiet dorm since the noise issue was likely raised by the kid, and the parent could say “what about if we found out if they still have space in the quiet dorm so that you’re not bothered by constant noise?”
All I will add to this is that it took my D a semester to figure out that she really needed to study in the library, not her room/dorm lounge. She gets much more done in much less time, she tells me.
There are other ways to handle a rude kid than taking the dorm away. I’d start with explaining how you feel when he says/does whatever it is.
Are you saying this student will be moving back home after freshman year? Or what?
Why only one year in the dorm? If cost is an issue…why was this on the table at all?
Grades would be the trump card on this family. If the student gets decent final grades, then emphasize the need to continue to do so. But really…if he is going to be forced to move home at the start of sophomore year…I’m not sure I understand!
(Less temptation.)