Could someone read/critique/fix my common app essay!

<p>It's a story so hopefully it won't bore the reader too much. haha.</p>

<p>I am in desperate need of help I need to submit it tomorrow, so please let me know what I can do to make it more clear and concise.</p>

<p>Please let me know if you are willing to help! I would greatly appreciate it!</p>

<p>Thanks in advance!</p>