could this be my hook

<p>colleges love those who love challenge, those who challenge themselves to be what they truly are and are perhaps a little afraid to realize that they can fledge into the beautiful butterflies of world-contributing individuals...we are all silently rooting for you....except we-re not lol</p>

<p>hehehe that was great.... claude i am sure like the rest of the people on these boards, you arent applying to the state universities like myself</p>

<p>psht dont even get me started with claude ok man hes in Mother freakin multivariable triambulant calculushus to the third power degree. (hes already accepted to hahvahd dontcha know?</p>

<p>lol, no i havent and i probly wont be anyways
mv calc is a common class, it comes after calc II, ok???
nothing supernal or supernatural about it, ec.....</p>

<p>bump it up</p>

<p>" also last yr i organized an event that drew close to 250 people and raised 10,000 dollars to help benefit suicide victims in israel and i was in the newspaper.... is that any better?"</p>

<p>Honestly, thats a very impressive accomplishment. I see that your newspaper clipping can be used as proof which is even better..</p>

<p>primitivefuture- u like that one better i guess</p>

<p>yeah, you are right. Not many students can accomplish that.</p>

<p>". i am an average white kid from the suburbs with good grades and a decent SATs.."</p>

<p>No, you are not average. You have a heart that's supersized!</p>

<p>Play up in your essay your interest in helping others. Let the college know what inspired you to do the fundraiser and what inspired you to take a job helping special needs kids. I am sure that if you weren't interested in those activities and people, you could have found cushier ways to spend your free time.</p>

<p>Your walk for terror victims also demonstrates strong organizational and marketing skills -- a big plus for someone planning on going into business. So often, too, people who plan to major in business are just about the benjamins. You stand out for also being interested in helping other people.</p>

<p>Your best buy business plan also is a wonderful achievement! More demonstration of how you have a natural talent for business.</p>

<p>Check with the colleges to see if they'll take one or two supplemental recomendations. If they will, I suggest getting one from Best Buy and one from the organization in which you helped suicide victims in Israel. </p>

<p>I am assuming that your essay will focus more on your work with the kids, so you might not need a supplemental from that. If the people at the Israel organization don't know you personally, however, the head of the summer camp program should be able to give you a wonderful reference highlighting your ethical, caring character.</p>

<p>Have you ever considered going into nonprofit management or working for a foundatino? With your compassion and talent for business, jobs in such places might be a wonderful way to meld your business talent with your heart while making a big contribution to society.</p>

<p>You sound like a nice young man. Best of luck to you!</p>

<p>ericg1 - play up your phenominal activities and you are so in!</p>

<p>bumpped...</p>

<p>Your hook...I hate that phrase. It reminds me of Peter Pan or something. I volunteered at a similar summer camp last year. If this is your "hook," or what you're writing about in your essay, try not to sound too preachy or too super-human. "This gave me a feeling of pride and achievement...blah blah blah." Happy endings like this are way too 7th Heaven. Look at it from another angle; emphasize the pain and unconditional love of the parents. Good luck!</p>