Could you check my essay ? Help please

College Essays
1

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>English is not my native language and I am applying for a cuny program</p>

<p>They only asks for 2000 word personal statement. I try to write it as simple as possible.</p>

<p>I am sure I have a lot of grammar mistakes and I will be very very appreciated.</p>

<p>HERE IS MY ESSAY</p>

<p>Throughout my whole life I have been intrigued with learning. Ever since, I was a middle school student in Turkey, I can remember I was very into English language,despite of German was my foreign language at school, I started to learn English all by myself enrolling a very simple "Learning English via Mail" and unluckily I had never had a chance to go to take English lessons but I have never given up to learn English by myself. </p>

<p>In high school, after studying for countless hours, I scored very high on Hungary's equivalent to the SAT’s. Since I scored so high, I was able to attended one of the top three universities in the country and with my grandfathers advise I chose History as a major. Soon I noticed that I am more interested human nature and personality than events in history meanwhile I started to write stories and it involved as movie scripts. I loved to write about human's behavior and its consequences.</p>

<p>I am working as a writer in a well known movie magazine, Sinema Magazin, in Prag and I am very determined to return to school. Ever since I was in college Psychology as a major has always sparked my interest and that I wanted to pursue. Over the years I have noticed that I am really enjoying solving other people's problems, as a big sister of an autistic brother, not only I developed a patience skill but also I improved my listening and problem solving skills. I also see many commons in psychology and film studies and I would like to combine these two discipline in my future graduate education.</p>

2

<p>I don’t know whether admissions officers hold non-native English speakers to the same writing standards as native speakers. Regardless, I think it would be unethical for someone to edit the volume of grammatical and usage errors you have. I don’t mean that as a criticism. There is a certain charm to it for me - it makes the whole thing very authentic. However, I want more insight. I especially want to know more about what it’s like to be big sister to an autistic child. Maybe some concrete examples to illustrate how you’ve helped him and how he has contributed to your interest in human nature. </p>

<p>At the beginning, starting with “I’ve always been intrigued with learning” isn’t as interesting as starting with an example that shows how interested you are. Teaching yourself English by mail shows a lot of resolve, but you can make it more interesting. Show us how you sent away for the course, tell us about your excitement when the packet arrived in the mail, walk us through the struggles you went through to make sense of our crazy language. Something like this: “When I was 12, a thick, long-awaited package arrived in the mail on a hot Tuesday afternoon. It wasn’t a toy or a game or the kind of thing most 12-year-olds would order by mail. It was a language course.” (Don’t use that - but I hope you get the idea.) Definitely include that you have never had any formal English training – and keep your essay in your real voice so we hear your “accent” and see how well you have done.</p>

3

<p>There are a lot of errors. But for a second language, I think it’s very good. If possible have one of your teachers review for grammar mistakes. GL</p>

4

<p>Thank you very much Sosomenza and especially Slurpee ! now I have an idea and I have decided keep my essay original and keep my voice and “accent”.</p>

<p>Thanks !</p>