Could you grade my SAT essay?

<p>I have never had my SAT essay graded and I reallyy want to know where I am at. I will truly appreciate sincere comment/grade/ideas for improvement.
You will truly be doing me a big favor ( even if you tell me that I got a 2 :P)
Marga</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better? </p>

<p>I was always told to be optimistic. This, indeed, tempts me to assert that the world is changing for the better. But it is hard to do so when the mordern materialism shows the opposite. It is hard to do so when the modern culture of beauty and vanity proves the opposite. It is hard to do so when the so called individualism demonstrates the opposites. Because it seems that the materialism, the vanity, and the individualism of modern society breeds a world of selfish people, who can't get out of their own little bubble.</p>

<p>The renaissance man was well-rounded. The modern man is too - physically. The modern culture wants us to earn more, eat better, have bigger homes, nicer cars, and Ivy-educated kids. It is common to see a Hummer with a yellow ribbon on it, despite of its hypocricy. While we sink in a culture of materialism and work more to earn more so we can spend more, the children in Colombia still pick the coffee beans of our gourment lattes. People still go without food, without shelter, and without education. But we still spend and want the new IPODS, the best cars, and the most expensive clothing. We still spend. </p>

<p>Open any magazine - Vanity Fair, Fitness or Vogue and we see the models with body mass indexes (BMIs) of 17, 16, and even 15 - despite the fact that the BMI of a healthy person is between 20 and 25. Those models starves themselves, buy expensive clothing made in India or Sri Lanka, and set the model for beauty for girls and women. Yet, it is ironic how a woman who starves herself wouldn't be able to have kids. An interesting question is weather a woman would choose to be thin and dumb or fat and smart. Fifty years ago, the choice was probay the latter one. Today, it is clearly that the majority of women but looks above intelligence in the priority ladder.</p>

<p>Competition is what makes the world go round. We have it everywhere - in our education system, in the corporate ladder, and in our relationships. Everybody wants to be the besst. People buy self-help books too help them feel better, look better, and be loved by other ones. Gone is the teamwork and the degree of collectivism that used to be presen in America. As one gets into a house, every member s doing their own thing. Most families don't even eat dinner together. And this is supposed to be good - individualism and independence. </p>

<p>But this materialism, vanity, and individualism is pure selfishness. People were born selfish and modern society provides the means for people to express this selfishness under the layer of culture. How can one be optimistic about modern society?</p>

<p>OK. The examples aren't that moving, but the beginning is good. But never use "I" unless you must. It makes your writing sound immature. Id give it a 9 or 10.</p>

<p>I would give it a 9.</p>

<p>What would you give mine based on what my outline looks like..I wrote on this on the SAT on the 28th</p>

<ul>
<li>discovery of compass...not only physics, but was invented during the renissance period in which philosolical aspects were implement to individualism
-development of firearms..also physics and also, the technology aspect in understanding war tactics..hydrogen bomb --> nuclear weapons</li>
</ul>

<p>I had no idea what to put..but I used these examples</p>

<p>The topic about discoveries btw.</p>

<p>Wait, what was your essay topic...mine was about how people have to concentrate on one specific task in order to discover something</p>

<p>hopefully, you didnt have the same one, cuz thats way off-topic</p>

<p>Obviously he/she had a different writing assignment. I had the "discoveries" prompt.</p>

<p>My two examples were Newton and Luis Alvarez. Newton's incidental witness of the effects of gravity sparked an interest for him to compose a scientific law while Alvarez, a geologist, discovered what Paleontologists had generally failed to do for years.</p>

<p>Of course in such a short summary, it probably seems like a horrible outline but I'm pretty confident that my essay was well written in the context of SAT scoring (and in general).</p>

<p>10 is the score</p>

<p>you guys are freaking iditiots...you grade it out of 6...individually...two people score the real test 6/6 + 6/6 = 12/12 ...</p>

<p>id give you a 5/6 nice job!</p>

<p>how would you rate mine (it is posted above) based on the outline?</p>

<p>i don't really know. the outline seems fine. maybe one more example would be a little better. i really can't rate it based on just that though.</p>

<p>I liked it : 11</p>

<p>on the november testing my essay was very similar to yours (structure, content, etc) and ended up with a rhetorical question as well :), so I believe u can get around 11</p>

<p>TO the guy who posted the thread, I though your points didnt clearly connect to the thesis 7/10</p>

<p>"Those models starves themselves, buy expensive clothing made in India or Sri Lanka, and set the model for beauty for girls and women." Huh????</p>