Critique my college essay please.

Colleges and Universities A-Z Rutgers University
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<p>Question: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.</p>

<p>*I kinda am a little lost with this. I feel like it is really boring and doesn't answer the promt fully but please give me suggestions and advice please. </p>

<pre><code>Whenever I think about my life, I envision a timeline in my mind's eye. All the people I have met, the places I have been, and the knowledge that I have acquired through experiences are all neatly organized on this timeline that stretches as far back as I can remember to as far into the future that I can imagine. Somewhere on this timeline, in the not-so-distant future, are my college years. After spending what seemed to be like researching and visiting colleges, I can now unmistakably say that I want the college years that I envision to be spent at Rutgers University.
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<p>I truly believe that growing up as a twin has really opened my eyes in terms of diversity. From a very early age I realized that people were different. When I was younger my brother and I were with each other constantly. Whether it was riding bikes outside, playing in the sand box, or partaking in summer camps- we spent so much time together because we were so similar in age. Despite this, we couldn't have turned out more opposite. I knew that in order for my brother and I to get along, I needed to accept our differences and respect the fact the he was different than I was. This, in turn, has made me genuinely accepting of different cultures and aware that diversity makes everything more interesting. </p>

<p>Throughout adolescence, my parents made sure that I didn't spend my summer vacations in New Jersey staring in front of a television screen. Every summer we would take a long vacation somewhere. Many times these vacations consisted of road trips across the United States. In total i've visited fourty-two states in this country. In retrospect, these trips have sculpted me into the person who I am today. Witnessing first hand the culture of the Pueblo Indians in the Southwestern United States and climbing the Grand Teton mountains in Jackson, Wyoming are just a few experiences that have opened my eyes to the vastness of the world and what it has to offer.</p>

<pre><code>My favorite thing about Rutgers is that it is filled with literally endless opportunities. The countless number of clubs and organizations, a wide array of different cultures, and a quality education all seem too good to be true considering it is only twenty minutes from my driveway. Rutgers has the resources to make every one of it's students successful in life and in the future I hope to use these resources to their fullest potential.
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<p>I would print off several copies of your essay and give them to ie. - your parents, english teacher, college guidence center (essay tutor on staff) and any other friends or adults that have a good command of the English language. Ask them to mark in red what they think needs to be changed or expanded on. Then take all of them and pull the points that seem to have the most validity. Often people will have different suggestions for the same sentence or paragraph, sometimes it comes down to style.</p>

<p>You will go through quite a few drafts and your final essay may be quite different than your first attempt. Read it aloud and see if it sounds right to you. You will catch alot of your errors this way.</p>

<p>Here are just a few pointers - </p>

<p>Whenever I think about my life, I envision a timeline in my mind’s eye. / When I think —
a timeline in my mind.</p>

<p>All the people I have met, the places I have been, and the knowledge that I have acquired through experiences are all neatly organized on this timeline that stretches as far back as I can remember to as far into the future that I can imagine. / Extremely long -break it into smaller statements. I see all the people that I have met, the places that I have been and the knowledge that has come from these experiences. My vision not only takes in my past but my imagination allows me to think about what i want my future timeline to perhaps look like. </p>

<p>After spending what seemed to be like researching and visiting colleges / I know what your trying to say, bit you are missing some words - After spending what seemed to be alot of time (an eternity) researching and visiting colleges.</p>

<p>staring in front of a television screen / sitting in front of a television screen</p>

<p>Good luck - I like the part about your twin, but it needs to be polished and your travels show that you have been exposed to other lifestyles and geographic locale. You could add a paragraph that tells how you will use your worldliness to engage others etc.</p>

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<p>I like your two experience paragraphs, as said above make sure you state how you are going to use these experiences to enrich your time at Rutgers. The twin paragraph is really good, maybe expand upon how this will help you make new friends at Rutgers or deal with your future roommate. Also explain more how your traveling experiences have already helped you benefit in a diverse environment. You could say how those experiences have “sculpted [you] into the person [you are] today.”</p>

<p>Good job so far!</p>

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<p>I think it’s pretty good. I sent you a few suggestions (spelling errors, omissions, word choice) through PM. I wouldn’t post my essay online because I would worry about people using it.</p>

<p>Others have made some good suggestions. I would get your English teacher to look at it rather than your parents.</p>