Critique my essay? Advice?

<p>I tried starting this thread in SAT Preparation but no one seems to answer my threads there. I thought I'd get some of my fellow high schoolers' advice. </p>

<p>I took the SAT twice and both times got the same Writing score, 660. I got a 43/49 on the MC but an...8 on the essay. Can someone tell me what's wrong with it? I really want a 700 this time I take it, so I really need a 10 on the essay.</p>

<p>I'm usually really good at writing essays, but I struggle with quickly taking a side and thinking of different examples to back it up. Plus, it's really hard to write a well written essay in just 25 minutes.</p>

<p>Prompt:
Most people think that contentment--being happy with the way things are--is the perfect state of affairs. After all, what could be better than being so satisfied with how things are that you don't want anything else? But contentment has disadvantages: if we are content with the way things are, we are not motivated to change things, to improve ourselves, or to do better. We must therefore always choose between being content and pushing ourselves to do better.</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT:
Does being content with the way things are prevent people from improving themselves and doing better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<hr>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>Although being open minded is an important trait, it's reasonable to posit that remaining consistent during a change in circumstances is more detrimental as it reflects character. When one remains consistent, they reflect their values and beliefs on a particular issue. Of course, being open minded is a good trait, but being firm in supporting your position is much more important, as it reflects character and contributes to overall success.</p>

<p>When Barack Obama refused to eradicate his health care plan when Congress threatened to shut itself down, he reflected this principle. Barack Obama knows himself enough to know that it is right for our country -- he has considered his values and his desires, as well as those of his people; and although Congress largely disagreed with him, he maintained his position regarding his new health care plan. As Obama care proves to be an effective policy, it supports that remaining consistent during a change in circumstances is detrimental to achieving one's goals and means of change.</p>

<p>Moreover, Christian martyrs are largely adamant in the face of persecution. Similarly, they know their values and beliefs, --and in this case, their faith -- well enough that they are able to maintain their position regarding the matter of faith. Athiests also display a great amount of firmness when supporting their beliefs. Altogether, this shows that maintaining one's position is an accurate display of character and beliefs.</p>

<p>Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was, indeed, an inexorable and zealous man. I recently read his book Thus Spake Zarathustra and found his philosophy intriguing in that he firmly displayed a sense of firmness in his opposition to Christianity and a universal sense of morality. Had he not remained adamant, he wouldn't be regarded as such an influential philosopher today.</p>

<p>In conclusion, it is crucial to remain adamant in supporting one's opinion in a change of circumstances, as it largely reflects one's character, beliefs, and contributes to success.</p>

<hr>

<p>Ok after writing it out, I have a few theories as to why it received an 8:</p>

<ul>
<li>I don't think my position was clear enough. My thesis is kind of in the middle rather than clear cut.</li>
<li>I misspelled a couple of words (was rushing) </li>
<li>My sentences are a little awkward at times</li>
<li>My syntax is a little much. It's not concise like the SAT graders seem to like (I recently heard about this.)</li>
</ul>

<p>Can someone please give me advice on how I can improve so I can get an 10?</p>

<p>

Is it? You should provide some justification for this.

“It’s reasonable to posit” is just filler. “Detrimental” means “bad.” Your first sentence is essentially saying
Being open-minded is important, but being consistent is worse because it reflects character.
This isn’t coherent and doesn’t answer the question.

Either this is filler or it doesn’t make sense.

Again, why?

What if your position is wrong? Would that still indicate a good character? What do you mean by “success”? </p>

<p>

Detrimental means bad.

You’re not really answering the question here. You’re just listing some people who might be inclined to stand up for their views.

This is inaccurate because it’s too vague. An atheist is a person who doesn’t believe in any deities. Other than that, they don’t share any particular stances and individual atheists aren’t necessarily adamant about the views they have.

:-< </p>

<p>Basically:

  1. Be more specific.
  2. Make sure you’re using words correctly.
  3. Be sure to answer the question and have a consistent argument throughout.</p>

<p>Wow, for some reason I always thought detrimental meant “essential.” Not sure why, lol.
“firmly displayed a sense of firmness” …<em>facepalm</em>, haha. </p>

<p>I’m not usually that bad when writing essays, haha. Just at 8 a.m. on Saturday morning it’s hard to write a well written essay in just 25 minutes. My syntax and grammar were off because I was rushing so much. It’s like I don’t even have time to think when writing the SAT essay. </p>

<p>This might come off as a stupid question, but how do you quickly pick a side and just think of good examples?
Does researching examples before the rest actually help a lot?</p>

<p>Thank you @halcyonheather‌ for writing all of that out for me. </p>

<p>And what if the judges are Republican and hate Obamacare? Or if they are atheists and don’t look favorably upon using Christianity as an example?</p>

<p>The OP seems to be saying that it’s good for people to stick with their beliefs no matter what they are. You don’t have to endorse Obama or Christianity to hold this view, because someone who holds this view believes that other people should stand up for their beliefs even if they’re wrong. This idea is hard to argue for because most people disagree with it, but that would be a problem even if the OP used less controversial examples.</p>

<p>The SAT asks you to pick a side on a potentially controversial issue and argue for it. The readers are trained to look at your argument and your writing, not your actual position. They read these all day long and spend like three seconds on each one, so I think being boring or having bad handwriting would be more offensive than any opinion you could endorse. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>@halcyonheather Thank you :slight_smile: and @mrnephew I wasn’t really thinking about the controversial nature of the examples I used. I just used them because they were the first things I thought of. You don’t get a lot of time to think on the SAT essay.</p>

<p>Plus, I didn’t really show any bias. I thought I was pretty objective. </p>