Critique My Essay Please

College Essays
1

Hi Id like some constructive criticism on my essay that I’m sending out to colleges for this year I didnt really spend as much time as Id like on it and kind of rushed it but tell me what you think if you were a college admissions officer would you let me into your school?

“Cultural differences should not separate us from each other, but rather cultural diversity brings a collective strength that can benefit all of humanity.”This quote by American writer Robert Alan resonates with me as I reflect on one of the most memorable experiences that has helped me grow as a person. It was when I traveled to Montreal, Quebec. During that trip, I discovered my passion for exploring the world through travel and the power of cultural diversity. Going to Canada was initially about having a good time but after the entire experience, meant so much more.
Over the summer my aunt invited me to go with her to Canada to visit some relatives there. I’d never been to Canada and didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. As I sat in the car, I pondered on what to expect on the other side of the border. I was eager and curious for what lay ahead. Upon entering Canada I was ecstatic; I was ready to save every site in my photographic memory. But after a few hours upon arrival I started feeling homesick. That’s when they gave me something lightning my mood instantly -food.
My first taste of Canadian Cuisine was at the annual Poutine Festival in Old Montreal. Poutine is the national dish of Canada consisting of fries, cheese curds topped with gravy. It wasn’t my favorite dish but it was something new. Old Montreal is a tourist part of Canada with many attractions and museums. Something I admired was its beautiful architecture. Old Montreal had its own style –a mixture of vintage and modern. Thousands of people and families were there and I felt like I was experiencing the Canadian culture actually taking part in one of their thrilling traditions. I wasn’t just reading about the event in a textbook but I was experiencing it firsthand.
Going to Canada helped me realize my fervent desire for traveling and cultural immersion. I want to visit countries all around the world and meet the people, listen to the music, taste the foods and just see more to this world beyond my imagination. By venturing beyond my comfort zone and putting myself in an unfamiliar setting, I gained perspective on the world I live in and the people in it. To support my future plans I have made it a goal to teach myself the languages spoken in the places I’d like to visit. Already speaking three languages myself French, Haitian Creole and English, I know how important language is in communicating with others of a different background. By learning these different languages I’ll be able to communicate better with the natives of the countries. Currently, I’m teaching myself Spanish and have tried immersing myself in the foods, music, and sayings of people native to Spanish speaking countries. Although it is challenging at times it has given me a great deal of self-discipline and taught me to enjoy the journey.
Today stereotypes and prejudice have colored the way that people accept each other’s cultural differences. But such preconceived notions show the need of people to be more culturally aware. As I transition into college I plan on pursuing study abroad opportunities that allow me to travel to other countries and gain further insight and appreciation for the world around me. I believe there is strength in diversity and there’s always something to learn from someone of a different background. In my experience traveling to Canada has opened my eyes and helped shape my identity, discover my passion and develop intellectually.

2

To be honest, it isn’t a bad essay, but it is not that great for a college admissions essay. It would take too long to go into everything, but your grammar and organization are very poor (download Grammarly or something to help with this). The writing doesn’t really flow, and you don’t introduce your points well (for example, you start talking about Old Montreal out of nowhere).

I’d also recommend writing about a different topic. This isn’t all that unique, and you pretty much tell everything and don’t show anything (e.g. “I was eager and curious for what lay ahead. Upon entering Canada I was ecstatic; I was ready to save every site in my photographic memory” – you don’t say why you were ecstatic, why you wanted to save the sites, etc.; you just tell us that you felt that way). The argument isn’t that strong either – going to Canada and eating poutine doesn’t really express your cultural diversity. More importantly, you have way too many arguments presented, but you don’t talk about any of them in depth. For instance, you conclude with, “In my experience traveling to Canada has opened my eyes and helped shape my identity, discover my passion and develop intellectually,” but you didn’t talk about how your experiences opened your eyes in your essay – you just talked about what you saw. Another thing you bring up at the end are stereotypes, but you didn’t talk about any Canadian stereotypes in your essay and explain how you found them to be false.

I hate to tear your essay apart, but I am trying to give you the most honest and helpful advice possible. I wish you the best of luck and would be happy to help more.

Oh, and to get you started in the right direction. You write “Something I admired was its beautiful architecture. Old Montreal had its own style –a mixture of vintage and modern.” This statement is incredibly weak, and it leaves out a lot of information. Why was the architecture beautiful? Why did you like it? What did it look like? Why is this relevant? How is it different from the architecture elsewhere?

Here’s a better way to write this (that I am coming up with on the spot – you should develop this more):
“Walking amongst the crowded plazas, filled with tourists from around the around the world and the beautiful, elegant sounds of foreign languages, I was enthralled by the towering buildings that surrounded me. A mixture of eighteenth-century French architecture and modern design, the stone-walled structures and the unique storefronts invited me in, opening my eyes to the beauty held within other cultures.”

3

What do you think an admissions counselor would take away from your essay?

4

I liked the concept you were going for. I think that you spent too much time talking about Canada as a backstory, and a not very strong backstory at that. As cc8912 said you didn’t really elaborate and when you finally got to the most important part of the essay, the bit about your future plans, could’ve been more developed and less rushed. I didn’t find myself deeply sucked into your story and it just skimmed the surface of my interest. Sorry if I was harsh! Good luck!

5

For this year? You mean, submitting later this fall? If so, far too early for this.

If you’re aiming at top schools, you’ve got to understand wanting to travel is not one of the attributes they look for.

You need to use your GC to help focus you.

When a new poster come and offers no details about himself, his record, or his goals, it can leave readers wondering.

6

Please edit your post and get rid of the essay. If colleges were to run your essay through a plagiarism checker, this would come up and you would lose all credibility.

Although I’m not an admin, I strongly recommend that you edit your original post and instead PM your essay to those that are interested. Good luck!

7

Driving up to Canada for vacation is “venturing beyond my comfort zone” lol…homie must never leave the house

8

no offense but if you’re american this just comes across as… “i don’t care about the diversity and varied cultures in my own country, i just care when i get to travel to a fancy new place” what has stopped you from ever trying to learn about african american/latinx american/asian american cultures? so much diversity at home, it kind of makes you look at bit privileged/ignorant if your first time ever dealing with different cultures was when you traveled to canada…a place that honestly isn’t that culturally different from america (but you were in montreal/quebec so i guess that gets a pass).

and the way you talk about spanish language countries as if you don’t live in a country (im assuming you’re in the US) that doesn’t already have 35 million mexican americas, and millions of more hispanics and latinos. it just makes you look ignorant if you preach that you’re open to new cultures in other countries but never at all acknowledge the cultures and diversity that are already in the US. it’s like saying “yes i love learning spanish and cant wait to travel to mexico one day so exotic” yet you don’t even befriend any mexican americans or try to learn about their culture at home. it’s like, their culture/language/diversity only matters to you if /you/ get to travel and post instagram photos about it. you see how that might come across as a little privileged/ignorant? it makes it sound as if you live in a bubble and have never even seen an immigrant/first gen american before.

also, i got bored when you wasted an entire paragraph talking about canada and its architecture and food and yadda yadda, cuz that doesn’t help me learn anything about YOU. and even if i were judging this as a tour guide blog, i would find it pretty bad, there was nothing specific to canada besides the food part, and even then, a dish with french fries, cheese, and gravy is somehow extremely jarring and new to you? really? it is just hard to believe that a dish with french fries is strange to an american. or a dish with cheese. or a dish with gravy. and the 3 of them combined? come on now.

the one part i found a bit interesting was when you mentioned you already speak french, haitian creole, and english. are you french? are you an immigrant? i would rather read an essay about diversity framed from the perspective of an immigrant or however you learned those languages (maybe you lived with your family on a military base or just happened to travel as a child a lot idk) than hearing it from a “i traveled to canada and it was such a culture shock, i had never seen this many caucasian and asian canadian people with the same language and clothing style and food as in the US in my life, this is so exotic and diverse, blew my mind”

and the thing about learning spanish is also more interesting than anything you had to say about canada. the point is to talk about yourself, not about something else. yes, traveling to canada affected you, but you don’t need to write an entire long paragraph about what canada looks like. write about how it affected you. you don’t need to give a description of its architecture and food to make that point.

the food part for example, you brought it up, you described it, and then what did you do with it? you just said “well i didn’t like it that much but at least it was new” that tells me nothing. there is no insightful thought behind that. if you’re going to mention something, you need to either address it completely or leave it out. don’t just leave little things scattered throughout without ever completing the idea or giving it a full thoughtful response or discussion. you can save a lot of word count this way, which will give you room to write something actually personal.

i think you’re overall idea about diversity and opening your mind to new experiences is great, and the fact that you want to learn the languages of the places you travel to shows you respect other cultures and genuinely want to learn about them, and that you’re open minded. i think these are great attributes to show in an essay, but the delivery really needs some work. i would suggest to focus more on the language/cultural learning aspect, and provide any intellectual insights you’ve had about this subject throughout your processes. what did you learn? not just “there is strength in diversity” but /why/ is there strength in diversity? why is it important? how did your exposure to learning about different cultures and languages lead you to that realization?