Critique my personal statement please??

College Essays
1

<p>I just whipped this up really quick for a class assignment but i will be applying in a few months, often i feel like i get caught up in emotion rather then logic and my words kind of sound like a mess. feedback please :D</p>

<p>PROMPT- Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>In 8th grade I made a Myspace account. I was constantly updating my profile picture, changing my layout, and trying to make my page the most vivacious of my top 5. Then Facebook came along, and I got into liking pictures, posting on my friends' walls, and series of poke wars, all sorts of shenanigans. My opinion got jaded… twitter, instagram, all these applications began coming out, all these social networks. And whats this? I wasn't able to keep up with the daily trends, or with my news feed. I did not enjoy this false reality based on essentially peacocking your shallow interests and lifestyle. You see, i come from the generation of social networking. We are tech savvy and we can text 350 words a minute. What this generation is so obsessed with is their personal stature in society, atleast their personal society. Pictures are taken at every moment, but not to capture the moment, rather to boast about it. I come from a rather superficial generation, one who has forgotten they are beings of nature and the universe. The truth is that knowledge is the ultimate source of power. Smart people are the most powerful, perhaps not monetarily or politically, but independently. I wish to gain all the knowledge i can about the world and everything about me. I believe humans have the ability to reach ultimate self growth and enlightenment. It's easy to get caught up in yourself, and with the titles you identify yourself with, or the material possessions. As a member of an entity of nature, we are required to determine and manifest all world we want in all aspects of our lives. I wish to enlighten masses and change the world, and work towards healing and rejuvenating nature, and the people of the world. Whether I am saving lives, or touching lives, I wish to learn and develop fully as a human being of the universe.</p>

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<p>It needs to be in paragraphs, and it obviously needs a lot of editing, and it gets pretty mystical-sounding toward the end and I don’t like that much. </p>

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<p>None of this means anything.</p>

3

<p>When asking people to read your essay, I would suggest making sure such basics as punctuation, capitalization, etc. are correct. I have no idea, for example, if you know that “Twitter”, “Instagram”, “I”, etc. should be capitalized, or are you just doing that as a stylistic thing and planning to correct later?</p>

4

<p>Did you describe your family, community, or school? I feel as though it want to know YOU… not your generation. And you need to be more concise in your goals and dreams… more unique because a lot of people say those things in essays… its kind of cliche. I would also pay careful attention to how often you repeat the same word. That’s my opinion. Good luck!</p>