Critique My UC Personal Statement #2

<p>I sometimes feel that the hand of Providence has given me amazing streaks of luck. For example at the Orange County Water Festival in third grade, I ended winning a raffle for a Disneyland pass and in Eighth grade I won a hundred raffle tickets when spinning the wheel at my promotion party. Yet my greatest stroke of fortune has been my ascension to the presidency of my school's Model United Nations. I could hardly imagine when I first joined the club my freshman year that this would be the end result. Considering that I did not do anything particularly out of the ordinary to gain this position, it seems to fulfill Edison's quote regarding genius being “One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration”. </p>

<p>When I first joined MUN I found myself intimidated by the jargon of the organization and the novelty of their practices. My first MUN conference at UCLA served to increase my unease as I went with two seniors and did not have the opportunity to speak myself, for it is usually the expectation of an event rather than the event that is usually worse. For a while in my freshman year, it seemed that I would drop out of the club because I was unable to go to other conferences. However the following year I renewed my commitment to the club and finally participated for the first time in a novice conference at Cerritos. My speech was not particularly notable, but I finally had been bloodied as an actual MUN delegate. </p>

<p>From then on, I went to every conference I could go to and much as a soldier racked up battles, I racked up conferences my sophomore year: Cerritos, UCLA, Mission Viejo, El Toro. There were many other members of MUN during this time, but they were often pressed by other commitments and forced to drop the club after a single conference. On the other hand, I realized that Model United Nations was about as close as it came to there being a niche for me at my school and resolved to stick through it thick and thin. For my commitment, I was given the position of Secretary-General my junior year. That year was difficult for me, due to the heavy load of classes, but I persevered and still attended the conferences along with helping out with fund-raising for the club. In addition I recruited upcoming freshmen whom I thought showed great promise and who have since proven themselves to be excellent members. My moment of triumph occurred quietly, as at a BJ's restaurant on a late Saturday afternoon, the incumbent Club President announced that her successor was to be me.</p>

<p>Part of the reason I joined MUN was because its discussion of international issues often related to my interest in history, especially when I looked at the origins of these issues. Preparing for conferences helped me in practicing my research skills, while arguing issues from the perspective of different countries showed me how historical facts can support two or more arguments and how to understand the differing points of view derived from them. Finally by seeing and participating in long negotiations, I believe I gained a faint idea of what conditions were like in actual historic compromises both at the United Nations and elsewhere such as the Constitutional Convention. Thus when I succeeded to the presidency of MUN, it was a finishing touch to all the valuable experiences and camaraderie I had in that program. </p>

<p>Could you please tell me what you think?</p>

<p>Some weird sentences:

  • “For example at the Orange County Water Festival in third grade, I ended winning a raffle for a Disneyland pass and in Eighth grade I won a hundred raffle tickets when spinning the wheel at my promotion party.” (This whole sentence needs revision; split this idea into two sentences and use commas)
  • “Considering that I did not do anything particularly out of the ordinary to gain this position, it seems to fulfill Edison’s quote regarding genius being “One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration”.” (I’m not sure why you included this. Be careful to distinguish from bragging and telling your story when mentioning your “Ascension” to presidency)
  • Second and third paragraph; awkward phrases and sentences galore. Delete redundant sentences.</p>

<p>Overall impressions:
I’m gonna be as honest (and brutal) as I can be. At times, it sounded more like bragging than detailing your experiences with MUN. I also had a hard time seeing what the message or theme was, aside from the superficial ones. Your essay is nicely organized, but sometimes, the wordiness of the sentences distracted me from deriving meaning from your essay.</p>

<p>Good Luck, and next time don’t post your essays here as last minute scramblers may attempt to plagiarize your essay!</p>

<p>Thank you for the honest critique. :)</p>

<p>I’m going through deleting or correcting many of the awkward phrases but I was trying to keep the theme focused on how my MUN activities related to my planned major (History). Also I hope I wasn’t boasting, but perhaps I was overcompensating for the other essay which many said was not focused enough on me.</p>