anyone with some extra time on their hands care to check out my UC personal statement? i NEED the help. my essay has to be BOMBAY to REDEEM my gpa. so if you’re generous, please msg me.
my email is <a href="mailto:bryplusan@gmail.com">bryplusan@gmail.com</a>
respond and i’ll email it to you or something
THANKS 
bryan
<p>if you look at it..i'll give you a cookie too.</p>
<p>just post it here.........Genius</p>
<p>hm. good suggestion. thanks.</p>
<p>here's the "what i'll contribute" essay:</p>
<p>In the past four years, I never fully realized the ongoing influence and impact I had on my school and community; and in the same way, I did not grasp the life changing lessons and experiences I received from these very same institutions. As I grew into a well-respected leader, I became the voice of the people and they recognized me as an appropriate representative. While addressing a wide spectrum of people from esteemed superintendents and administrators to budding underclassmen, I was able to absorb and learn from all the people I met. By assuming positions of leadership from organizations like the YMCA and the ASB, I quickly learned of the power and huge responsibility I had in my hands. With this newfound knowledge, I learned to delegate and properly utilize my authority in the school as the Editor in Chief of the yearbook and head sports editor of the newspaper.
The YMCA was the catalyst of my maturing process. Joining this prestigious organization since freshman year, I had the luxury of a number of influential, caring, and most importantly, loving role models. Plainly said, these men created the man I am today. I looked upon these men in awe as they handled difficult, stressful situations with grace and understanding. They cared about their club, school, and community; their love became my love. As president of a YMCA club, I soon faced the many challenges my predecessors faced. For two consecutive years, we were awarded Club of the Year for our outstanding service for the community. Being president of ICB, overseeing all the YMCA clubs in the San Gabriel Valley only added on to my list of demanding responsibilities. However, I now see why these men loved their jobs so much. The fact that Im president means I have authority and power, and with this responsibility, I influence the actions of the underclassmen. I now became the very role model that I looked up to as a freshman. The satisfaction I get when underclassmen emulate me and the praises I get from the heroes I admire is more than words can describe. It makes the whole process worthwhile; this torch of experience is never extinguished.
With this passion and love for my school and community, it was only logical for me to pursue a role in ASB. We accomplished a lot in ASB; I say we because this is where I learned the importance of teamwork. No one outside of ASB could understand the time and effort and heart we put into our school. No one knows of the behind the scenes work and the days, and weeks, and months of preparation we put into events. In one short Homecoming night, we executed a terrific pre-game show, spectacular half time show, and still managed to rush back and prepare for the homecoming dance. The things that needed to be accomplished that night were fantastic. What was more incredible was that we got it done together, and we did it very very well. Now, as an executive member and liaison to the board, my role as the voice of the people has an even greater importance. I have the task of representing and properly voicing the opinions of my student body to the PTSA, Alliance, and even the Superintendent and the School Board. With all this, I learned to be on task, organized, respectful, and responsible.
All these experiences in high school have definitely left a lasting impression on my life. Im a testament to how important good role models and leadership are. My predecessors left me what they learned from their role models and I in turn pass on what Ive acquired. Im satisfied and overjoyed that my school and community are in good hands. Now, I look to larger, more diverse community and family of talented students of the University of California where I hope to take hold of the torch of experience. I desire to become an even better person and upstanding citizen through the UC system and once again, pass my knowledge down to generations to come.</p>
<p>the word count is currently at 680! i STILL need to cut it down..so please be brutal in slashing up this essay. but dont make me cry. thanks.</p>
<p>bryan</p>
<p>Please don't cry. The first par needs a major rewrite -- the good stuff doesn't come thru until midway thru the second par, which, is where I become a very interested reader and learn about you from doing, not by you telling me that you are a superstar. Thus, show me, don't tell me. For example, I'd eliminate the self-congratulation stuff, such as when "I grew into a respected leader...passing on my knowledge for years to come???" Yikes, unless you are the next Bill Gates...</p>
<p>i'm holding back the tears, but hey! thanks a lot. definitely appreciate the criticism. i'll try to fix the first paragraph. i'm kind of..in a writers block at the moment...the block where you want to hit your head against a concrete block...</p>
<p>anyone else wanna take a shot at me? :)</p>
<p>Chop off the first paragraph--problem solved. No meat in there, just an awkward intro. If you feel that there's not enough context for the rest of the essay to function without the the introduction, then restyle the rest of the piece until there is. Be ruthless!</p>
<p>whats another way of saying "torch of experience" or like..the circle of life..or something like that.."torch of experience" is a bit too cheesy. even for my tastes. whats another way of expressing like..passing on of knowledge and experience or something like that.</p>
<p>ohh, thanks jdom. that made me wonder..does there neccessarily NEED to be an intro and conclusion to these essays? what exactly is the "format" to these essays? ESPECIALLY with the 200 word ones...since..there isnt much space..for anything. :(</p>
<p>Ok... I don't know what the UC prompt is, because I'm not applying to any of those schools--maybe you could post it? I think you need to review the prompt again, and focus your essay directly on answering the question.</p>
<p>There are bits and pieces of good information scattered around, but there's also a lot of extra details in between. Take a highlighter and mark every sentence that directly relates to the prompt. You should end up with a good group of well-focused sentences. Now take a thick black sharpie and black out everything that's not highlighted.</p>
<p>Now you've got the beginnings of a second draft. Start to think in terms of a central thesis, and how your highlighted sentences (your main supporting evidence) prove that thesis. With such a limited amount of space, you really have to trim the fat, again and again, until you have a tightly knit essay that focuses on one well-defined topic. Repeat this process until you've got a concise and to-the-point essay that fits into the word limit. Take a day off and....</p>
<p>Look through your essay again after sleeping on it. Read it aloud, have other people read it, read it backwards, whatever... just make sure that you can clearly understand the point from many different perspectives. At this point you'll find most of the technical errors (grammar, spelling, punctuation). It should be looking pretty solid by this point. Finally, read through your essay one more time, and come up with an outline for it--write down the thesis, and sketch of each paragraph with the evidence it gives. If this outline matches what the prompt was originally asking, congratulations! You have a winner. If not, you've got to revise a little more to narrow your focus.</p>
<p>Give a copy to your college counselor and your English teachers. They should be able to give you some knowledgeable feedback on what needs to be done (give them a few weeks before the deadline). Put it in the envelope, and pray...</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>the prompt is as follows:</p>
<p>Focus: Potential to Contribute
Rationale: UC welcomes the contributions each student brings to the campus learning community. This question seeks to determine an applicant's academic or creative interests, and potential to contribute to the vitality of the University</p>
<p>Question: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.*</p>
<p>There's so much "telling" and so little "showing." Use an anecdote or two. Make your essay unique (but not in the stupid "I'm trying way too hard not to conform" way).</p>
<p>blehhhh...this stuff's killing me. i think i need a nap. see you guys in half an hour -_-</p>
<p>yeah, i agree with what the others have put. Make it a little less about cliches, a little more with anecdotes or things that show your personality. and less sat vocabulary, although it isn't too bad, it just feels a little forced. by the way, go YMCA! haha, there isn't really anything near me, but my grandpa does a ton of stuff with them...anyways, random thought,...your essay definitely has potential and its all in the rewrite.</p>
<p>Good Luck :)</p>
<p>hahaha, heck yeah man, i frikin love the y. best thing that has happened in my life.</p>
<p>okay. i've changed it up a bit. i think.</p>
<p>this one is answering</p>
<p>Question: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.</p>
<p>In the past four years, I never fully realized the ongoing influence and impact I had on my school and community; and in the same manner, I did not grasp the life changing lessons and experiences Id receive from these very same institutions. As I matured, I became the voice of the people; they recognized me as an appropriate representative through addressing a wide spectrum of people from esteemed superintendents and administrators to budding underclassmen. By assuming positions of leadership from organizations like the YMCA and the ASB, I quickly learned of the power and huge responsibility I had in my hands.
The YMCA was the catalyst of my growth process. Joining this prestigious organization since freshman year, I had the luxury of a number of influential, caring, and most importantly, loving role models. Plainly said, these men created the man I am today. I looked upon these men in awe as they handled difficult, stressful situations with grace and understanding. They cared about their club, school, and community; their love became my love. As president of a YMCA club, I soon faced the many challenges my predecessors faced. For two consecutive years, we were awarded Club of the Year for our outstanding service for the community. As president of ICB, overseeing all the YMCA clubs in the San Gabriel Valley only added on to my list of demanding responsibilities. However, I now see why these men loved their jobs so much. Being president gave me respect and authority, and with this responsibility, I influence the actions of the underclassmen. I now became the very role model that I looked up to as a freshman. The satisfaction I get when underclassmen emulate me and the praises I received from heroes I admire is indescribable. It makes the whole process worthwhile; the cycle of experience is never ending.
With this passion and love for my school and community, it was only logical for me to pursue a role in ASB. We accomplished a lot in ASB; I say we because this is where I learned the importance of teamwork. No one outside of ASB could understand the time and effort and heart we put into our school. No one knows of the behind the scenes work and the days, weeks, and months of preparation we put into events. In one short Homecoming night, we executed a terrific pre-game show, spectacular half time show, and still managed to rush back to prepare a stunning homecoming dance. What was more incredible was that we got it done together, and we did it very very well. Now, as an executive member and liaison to the board, my role as the voice of the people has an even greater importance. I have the task of representing and properly voicing the opinions of the student body to the PTSA, Alliance, and even the Superintendent. With this, I learned to be on task, organized, respectful, and responsible.
All these experiences in high school have definitely left a lasting impression on my life. Im a testament to how important good role models and leadership are. My predecessors left me what they learned from their role models and I in turn will pass on my acquisitions. Im pleased and overjoyed that my school and community are in good hands. Now, I look to larger, more diverse community of talented students from the University of California where I hope to cultivate a broader, wider spectrum of experiences . I desire to become an even better person and upstanding citizen through the UC system and once again, pass on my knowledge to generations to come.</p>
<p>this one has 604 words...</p>
<p>HOWEVER, i added to the YMCA one in this OTHER version..which includes a little anecdote. it's 655 words though..but does it make the essay better? or just..send in the first one instead?</p>
<p>In the past four years, I never fully realized the ongoing influence and impact I had on my school and community; and in the same manner, I did not grasp the life changing lessons and experiences Id receive from these very same institutions. As I matured, I became the voice of the people; they recognized me as an appropriate representative through addressing a wide spectrum of people from esteemed superintendents and administrators to budding underclassmen. By assuming positions of leadership from organizations like the YMCA and the ASB, I quickly learned of the power and huge responsibility I had in my hands.
The YMCA was the catalyst of my growth process. Joining this prestigious organization since freshman year, I had the luxury of influential, caring, and most importantly, loving role models. Plainly said, these men created the man I am today. One of these men, Kenny Yee, signed us up for the annual charity talent show. It was a daunting assignment, but we trusted our president. We ate, slept, and practiced together for the next two months. Our devotion paid off since we raised over $3,000 and 30 bags filled with toys for the Childrens Hospital. What was even more gratifying was the bond and love our club formed together. I respected Kenny because he cared about the club, school, and community; his love became my love. Now, as Kennys successor, I soon faced the many challenges he faced. For two consecutive years, we were awarded Club of the Year for our outstanding service for the community. As president of ICB, overseeing all the YMCA clubs in the San Gabriel Valley only added on to my list of demanding responsibilities. However, I now see why men like Kenny loved their jobs so much. Being president gave me respect and authority, and with this responsibility, I influence the actions of the underclassmen. I now became the very role model that I looked up to as a freshman. The satisfaction I get when underclassmen emulate me and the praises I received from heroes I admire is indescribable. It makes the whole process worthwhile; the cycle of experience is never ending.
With this passion and love for my school and community, it was only logical for me to pursue a role in ASB. We accomplished a lot in ASB; I say we because this is where I learned the importance of teamwork. No one outside of ASB could understand the time and effort and heart we put into our school. No one knows of the behind the scenes work and the days, weeks, and months of preparation we put into events. In one short Homecoming night, we executed a terrific pre-game show, spectacular half time show, and still managed to rush back to prepare a stunning homecoming dance. What was more incredible was that we got it done together, and we did it very very well. Now, as an executive member and liaison to the board, my role as the voice of the people has an even greater importance. I have the task of representing and properly voicing the opinions of the student body to the PTSA, Alliance, and even the Superintendent. With this, I learned to be on task, organized, respectful, and responsible.
All these experiences in high school have definitely left a lasting impression on my life. Im a testament to how important good role models and leadership are. My predecessors left me what they learned from their role models and I in turn will pass on my acquisitions. Im pleased and overjoyed that my school and community are in good hands. Now, I look to larger, more diverse community of talented students from the University of California where I hope to cultivate a broader, wider spectrum of experiences . I desire to become an even better person and upstanding citizen through the UC system and once again, pass on my knowledge to generations to come.</p>
<p>words: 655</p>
<p>and now this one is answering this question:</p>
<p>Question: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? *</p>
<p>Lacking motivation after 8th grade, I lost all desire to succeed academically. My priorities were socializing and associating with the wrong crowd. I never realized that diligence and hard work would be rewarding until I stumbled into journalism.
The first issue of the newspaper proved to be extremely hectic. As deadline approached, once composed, calm editors transformed into frantic creatures rushing to complete articles and finish layouts. Initially, the idea of investing that much time and effort into the newspaper was ludicrous to me. I couldnt grasp the importance of a school newspaper, nor appreciate the hard work that went into one. Until I witnessed the final result stacked neatly at our schools doorstep, did I realize the magnitude it possessed and what it conveyed to the students and community.
That was four years ago, and since then, Ive taken the position as head sports editor. With constant, encroaching deadlines, I had to always be on task. Every article I wrote had to be accurate and precise; everything I did had to be perfect. The newspaper staff inspired me to care about my school, community, and writing truthfully. My newspaper experience and the thrill of writing and publishing completely revitalized my drive for success.</p>
<p>words:204</p>
<p>tell me what you guys think..this is..crunch time..no! it's..GAME TIME! hahaha</p>
<p>-bryan</p>
<p>did i mention how i'd give someone a cookie if they read this? cuz i will.</p>
<p>OKAY OKAY! YOU GUYS ASKED FOR IT...i'll give TWO cookies! TWOO!!</p>
<p>for that short essay, I wouldn't start off with such a negative. I would just start with something on the lines of : Journalism helped me realize that diligence and hard work would be rewarding...or something like that.</p>