<p>"Your comment about not answering a question he didn’t specifically ask, speaks volumes… all bad… about YOU! I hate to assume here, but I’d bet good money you knew what information he would appreciate being told and you probably withheld that information on purpose… because he didn’t ask specifically. "</p>
<p>I know that this student is still in high school, but chances are her dad is still going to have the same reaction when she’s in college when she doesn’t always tell him the “whole story” (where were you last night, who were you with, what time did you come home, are you sleeping with him, etc, etc, etc) And we all know that college kids do not perfectly share all such facts with the 'rents. and, we know as parents we have “caught” our kids in a few “half-truths” or “lying by omission” situations.</p>
<p>So, suppose StarbucksBarista is able to mend fences THIS time…what’s going to happen 9 months from now when she’s a frosh (at Wellesley or wherever) and her dad again realizes that she hasn’t told him “every perfect detail”. If he refuses to help with Spring tuition, she’s screwed. She can’t go back and grab a Howard scholarship or some other school’s big scholarship. </p>
<p>this can happen (and likely WILL happen during her four years of college).</p>
<p>That said, in some ways this is all moot because her parents won’t pay the “Wellesley share” (at least that’s what she’s indicated in other threads.) They have said that they will pay for UWash and she can commute from home. I know that SB has also said that she wants to get an apt with friends, but I think if she tries that her dad’s going to refuse to pay tuition.</p>
<p>With Wellesley-class grades and test scores, you may be able to land a full-ride or even free-ride somewhere. But to do that, you will probably need to take a gap year while you remake your list. Think that option through, and see if it could work for you.</p>
<p>I see from another post that you used to live with your mother (one of your essays was about moving from your mom’s to you dad’s). </p>
<p>Your household income is $100,000 - $120,000 (from the same post mentioned above). Your father was really going to contribute $25,000? I’m wondering if his stance is a way of his saving face, and that he actually had not intention of contributing that much money. </p>
<p>I see that your step-mom is a Wellesley grad. What is your relationship with her? Does she really want you to go to Wellesley?</p>
<p>My step mom actually went to Smith. My parents want me to go to Wellesley but I dont know how we’re going to come up with $25,000 a year. He told me up front he wasn’t/can’t help me with college. I think my mom is going to TRY to help… combined with my job…</p>
<p>I dont know how we’re going to come up with $25,000 a year. He told me up front he wasn’t/can’t help me with college. I think my mom is going to TRY to help… combined with my job…</p>
<p>============</p>
<p>SB…You won’t be able to come up with that much by yourself, so you need to start coming up with Plan B. I know that’s frustrating, but many of your school choices never would have worked because you have an EFC that no one will cover and you didn’t apply where you’d get HUGE merit. You weren’t advised well when you were making your app list.</p>
<p>OP - I think you may be in a situation where parents were able to afford things (like a Smith education) that they are unable to provide for you due to the extraordinary rise in educational costs. That may be heightening all of the emotions involved here. I reserve judgement on the seriousness of your offense because, lie of omission or not, we really have very little information and the players involved might view the situation differently if the question of huge college investment in the immediate future weren’t on the table.</p>
<p>You should work on your relationship with parents because they’re your parents and it is the mature responsible thing to do (I’m assuming their behaviour towards you is parental and not criminal). But, all emotional outbursts aside - it does not appear that you can afford Wellesley.</p>
<p>Find an educational path that minimizes parental contributions (I think the 5K ‘try’ mentioned above is a good estimate) and get your degree with the best GPA that you can; grad school may be where choice opens up for you, but the important thing for now is to get control of your undergrad future and not run up debt.</p>
<p>I sent a PM to the OP. Washington is one of the minority of states that will require divorced parents (not certain if only non-custodial parent) to assist with college, depending on facts. She really needs to get help negotatiating her legal rights. Her GC may be able to point her to someone (legal clinic, women’s group) that can help. I agree she should work on relationship BUT she also needs to find out her legal rights. There was some commentary here that she had lived with mom, but then moved in with mom. I dont know if dad did that to avoid college costs, but if so, OP might have to move back in with mom immediately, and file for a emergency order to get custody changed. I wonder if dad knew about all this. </p>
<p>Rules for divorced people can be different.</p>
<p>One other thought that I don’t see above. Is this an issue that has been building over time, or an isolated incident? Many many people on this board have discussed students who “foul the nest” before they leave - meaning they become argumentative, demanding, and otherwise disrespectful. It is a normal human reaction to the stress, anxiety, and possible thrill of knowing they will soon be on their own. If we as parents are honest, we would admit to some “nest fouling” of our own. It is a scary thing to be sending your precious pumpkin across the miles and lose near complete control. Sometimes we become temporarily insane. I like to think that when I have/had these moments of insanity, given time I regroup and even apologize for over-reacting. I can’t say it happens often, but it definitely happens. However, my very wise 19 year old has advised her younger sister that if she wants that reaction the best thing she can do is give me distance, time, and respect. I come around - if I am being unreasonable. God help them if they try to approach/argue with me before I have reached that point - I will just get madder and dig my heels in deeper. Be patient and respectful to your Dad, and he may come around too.</p>
<p>Mom2, doesnt matter if the parents were not married. As long as paternity established, a Child Support order can be entered and enforced. Including college, where appropriate.</p>
<p>This is how it should be, imho. </p>
<p>Shootfor, imvho, the extent to which activity can be regarded as fouling the nest occurs more often when kid is living with a step parent. Whether it is stepparent has less patience, or the absent of a conciatory parent, hard to say.</p>
<p>kayf, your point is well taken, but I think a nest can be fouled anywhere. I would say that among our family and friends, the nest-fouling-before-college-ratio is at least 60%. My DD didn’t do it too much, but I was ready with extra earplugs and a padded tongue just in case I had to bite it. </p>
<p>I have never been divorced, but often imagine how much more challenging it is to parent when there are two sets of rules from two different families in two different homes. It’s hard enough for those of us in the same house to keep our kids from pitting us against each other :)</p>
<p>I think it is also easier to overlook annoying things from your own kids. Of the 60% that you mention, what percent then refused to pay for college?</p>
<p>Nest fouling may or may not be an issue, I have noticed that fathers have a hard time telling their high achieving offspring that they can’t afford something - so one way or another it is that they “won’t pay for it” - a more masculine stance than admitting financial inadequacy. I know one case of a divorced father asking the guidance counselor to tell his kid that the costly OOS college wasn’t a good choice academically so the kid would feel better about the full scholarship alternative (didn’t want to admit he’d spent the college fund on new family).</p>
<p>On the other hand OP admits to a sin of omission - how serious was this omission? I think it would have to be really, really bad to require “no college for you” as a consequence. </p>
<p>Very interesting that OP might have legal recourse…anyone know which states have such laws (I know it’s not mine)?</p>
<p>I can’t imagine that situation is going to improve by suggesting to the OP that the mother might be able to take the father to court. Remember this thread is about an OP dreaming/wanting to travel across the country to an expensive private school…even if the mother takes the father to court for college support that action will A) cost money and B) probably not end with the OP going across the country to an expensive private school and C) may not end with the OP at any school in 6 months. Sometimes things just don’t’ work out the way kids want them to work out. Frankly, I think the best course of action is the OP to work things out with the father (whom the OP lives with) and together figure out what options if any are open to the OP.</p>
<p>I also think the best course of action is being polite, but I would suggest to OP that if she can live with her mom, to suggest to her dad that she can take a gap year, and puruse her options, including legal ones. The local court house or law school will likely help with a prose child support filing. My experience is that many people have a greater propensity to pay when they might be legally forced to do so. I do not think OP should give up on her legal rights. Many children and mothers rely on the law to collect child support. I suspec that in so called amiacable divorces, many people keep in mind what they can be forced to pay. I think that OP making certain dad knows OP is aware of her options may help. I suspect dad already does knows.</p>
<p>I definitely agree that legal recourse is not going to get the OP to Wellesley; I also think it’s not a bad idea for the OP to see what her legal recourse is in case all other options fail and it would pay for CC or State U. No one has ever been harmed by having too much information IMHO.</p>
<p>I don’t see how Wellesley can work out for her. SB says that her mom will try to help some, but in another post she indicates that her mom is single, doesn’t make a lot of money (less than $50k), and is supporting several children. Doesn’t sound like she’d be able to spare a few hundred each month to come up with a few thousand dollars to give to SB. </p>
<p>It sounds like the student was poorly advised and allowed to apply to various schools without guidance or serious financial consideration. There was no strategy to having an affordable safety either.</p>
<p>I think she needs to move in with mom, take a gap year, and apply where she’d get huge merit and likely a Pell Grant.</p>