My daughter is in her first year of college and is having a very hard time being away from home. Shes been there for nearly one semester, and she seems to be compleatly miserable and quite sad. She has called me crying on several occasions saying she wants to drop out. She has been home twice and each time when it comes time for her to go back she is in tears very sad to be leaving to go back to her school.
This past weekend she revealed to me that she is wanting to reapply to colleges for next year, this time so she can be closer to home and commute. While I’m happy she is making a plan, I’m worried because the program she is in is quite competitive and there is a chance that she will not be accepted to the schools closer to home (this is why she went to the current school in the first place). Also, acceptances do not come out until February at the earliest, a month into the seccond semester (which I just paid for).
Perhaps I’m micromanaging. What are your opinions on the matter?
What is the cause of her sadness? Social? Overwhelmed academically? Just homesick? It’s quite common for daughters especially to feel this way. In reality it’s probably not quite as bad as she makes it sound to you. You’re just the recipient of all her angst. If she’s doing okay academically encourage her to finish out the semester as strong as possible. Tell her she can apply to transfer for next fall if she wants. Encourage her to go back for second semester. Join a few clubs, go to counseling center etc. Meanwhile find out what financial ramifications of not going back are including deadlines. You can talk more over winter break and make a decision. Good luck. It sounds like you’ve got a good relationship with her.
Be less available when she calls, and try to maintain a neutral tone when she is upset.
Maybe she’ll apply to transfer and maybe she won’t. Maybe she is truly miserable all the time, or maybe she has pockets of misery but otherwise is making friends, volunteering for a cool organization, doing well academically, enjoying her part time job, etc.
In the old days, kids called home once a week (my dorm had a pay phone-imagine that!). I recall being VERY homesick right before I called home- and I’m sure I shared my misery with my parents. But during the rest of the week I was too busy to be homesick.
Is your D going to class- has she found an activity she enjoys- does she have a job? All of these are good signs that her homesickness will abate eventually as she gets more engaged.
And if she truly decides to transfer- she needs to own that process. Meanwhile, you need to check the dates by which you can get a refund if she doesn’t return to campus!!!
Hug to you. But try not to talk to her every day; try not to have half hour crying sessions with her. I have friends whose kids are miserable Freshman and I need to bite my tongue from saying, “How can she possible make friends when she spends her free time talking to her mom?”
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I know how upsetting this could be. I would encourage her to return next semester because very often things do get better and it does take some extra time. I would also allow her to complete the transfer applications- she is to take full responsibility for that (looks like she is). She may have an easier semester in the spring knowing that she has total control over whether she returns in the fall. She can make the final decision in the spring after all her acceptances are in. By then she may grow to love her current school.
In the meantime I would find out the date by which you can get a refund just in case she is just way too miserable to return next semester. Good luck. I think they unload on us and very often they are not as miserable as they appear, however sometimes kids really are very sad and need to get out. The decision must be hers, and whatever that decision is, it will be the right one for her. Kids transfer all the time.
In my experience with three kids and their roommates and dorm mates, this coming holiday period seems to be the height of homesickness. I can’t tell you how many times I thought a student would end up leaving, but in fact graduated at the school four (or more) years later. The fall semester just isn’t enough time to complete the transition and settle in.
That said, some really do do better at home. One of mine has a mental health disorder and has thrived after coming home. She is now in an apartment with friends near home and commutes and works. And dorm life isn’t for everyone. My middle child went to a school where only 1-2% lived off campus and she was one of them, in the last two years!
How far away is your daughter’s school? Sometimes frequent visits home help with transition, but they can aldo interfere with weekend social gatherings that might improve the situation. It depends. If I were you I would make the trek to the school and visit a lot, rather than have her come home. If it is far enough away that a one day drive doesn’t work, you could go to a motel if affordable. Supporting her in person until she feels settled might help. (But then again, for some kids, this would be counterproductive. It depends! )
Be flexible and try to help her stay, but assure her she isn’t trapped and can make decisions to alter her path if need be. But also convey these feelings are common and normal and many of those who are apparently happy are feeling the same thing. If the program is competitive and desirable and she still has the same strong goals, there might be many reasons to stick out another semester and see if things get better- as they often do, very often.
I think it’s also important to find out and then focus on what exactly is the problem. We had something similar happen when my D was a freshman. After an emotional conversation in which she said she was homesick and wanted to drop out, it finally came out that she was feeling too much pressure because she had taken an extra class that she had been advised against doing, but had done anyway. So once we realized that was the root of the problem, we told her to drop a class, because if nothing else we insisted she finish the semester and then come home decide how to move forward. She dropped the extra class, felt a lot better, and by the time the holiday break came she had decided she would continue on. My point is, the initial conversation was all over the place, and until we figured out what the root of the problem was, all we got from her was the misery.
The above advice is all good, but I would also recommend that she visit the school’s counseling center and talk to a psychiatrist. It’s important to have a professional evaluate whether or not she’s becoming depressed (clinically) and keep an eye on her.
I’d also go ahead and work through transfer paperwork with her, so she feels like she has options. Before she finishes the semester you should also look at the transfer requirements of your alternate schools to make sure they don’t have some sort of minimum requirement for transfer students. For example, the UC systems don’t take freshman or sophmore transfers, only juniors.
I have too been the recipient of multiple tearful calls this semester. My D, however, isn’t talking about leaving schools. She is 2500 miles away, so she cannot and has not come home. I agree that the holidays are heightening the homesickness. My D talks about all the stuff she wants to do when she’s home, food, restaurants, etc.
My D’s issues also seem like depression. I have contacted the Dean’s office and my D is meeting with someone next week. The office was very receptive to my call and wants to help my D get involved in activities of interest. She hasn’t gotten as involved as I would like and I think she’s not meeting enough “people like her” with similar interests. The Dean’s office also said that it’s a stressful time of the year with academics.
I have also insisted that she make an appointment with the counseling office as I think she is a bit depressed as well. She says she doesn’t want to shower and skipped dinner the other day.
I so feel for you! It’s heartbreaking to get the tearful calls. I can’t not answer the call and I do my best to help her work through it. I can’t do it for her, she needs to make her own way. But, she also needs some help. I wonder if the fact that she CAN’T come home for visits means she MUST figure it out.
In the case of your D, is the competitive program turning out to be something too difficult, or perhaps she doesn’t like it? Can she explore other majors or areas of interest? How are her friends? Are they in as competitive of programs as she is? Has she gotten involved in something?
Finally, as someone above said, not all kids do well away. She may have some additional maturing to do. I say, find out more, ask more questions, don’t rescue - let her work through it with your support.
What our daughter did was volunteer for the school’s clinic and admissions. She also joined a club. These, along with her attendance at tutoring sessions kept her too busy to be depressed during her second semester. She met like-minded kids and still has those friends. Graduating in June!
I forgot to add that our dd found the commuter cafe and started going there since she could eat there by herself without feeling isolated because everyone there was reading a book, paper, iPad, whatever, and the coffee/frappechinos were good. People there were very friendly and the dd learned that it was okay to eat by herself.
Is your daughter in any clubs at all? It sounds like she hasn’t found her niche yet, and that there isn’t anything at college for her to focus on. There isn’t anything that’s making her want to stay. I’d suggest she see a counselor at the school and try to join a few clubs.
Some kids really don’t do well away from home. I know a few with special needs who tried an OOS school and just couldn’t handle it all- the school work, getting to class, eating. They were lonely and it is very hard to do it all alone, especially if there is no study group, no one to bounce things off. My nephew has a number of friends who have gone to schools far from home, no learning issues, and they’ve just come home to attend a state public school within 2 hours of home.
Counseling is a good option: tell her that 50% of college students get counseling at some point (sorry, can’t cite, read this two years ago, it matches what I have observed at any rate). Also, many schools have groups to address loneliness etc. (unless she is not a groupy person). Homesickness is hard, but it does tend to dissipate. Sometimes situational depression does too, but it can stick around for awhile and meds help a lot of kids. Things will work out!!
Hugs to you @collegemomm96 it is a hard enough adjustment for a family (even though I do try to deny my own feelings about how hard it is) to launch a child, but when they are miserable it is all that much harder. I don’t have any more advice but to echo what others have suggested here so far. I hope that she can eventually adjust because it sounds like the academic opportunity is good, but if a change ends up being required no doubt that will work out too in the end. Hang in there!
