Dealing with a stubborn parent

Parent Cafe
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<p>Dealing with a stubborn parent
My parents are in the middle of a messy divorce. It's getting messier because my dad is being his usual pig-headed self. He is in a bit of a spot, though nothing unreasonable given his past actions. Needless to say, I am completely on my mother's side, because I have seen her suffer for the past two decades. Now that she has finally moved out as unobtrusively as she possibly could have given the circumstance, my dad's playing the martyr card. He has been sending me emails that do nothing but dredge up the past and accuse my mother and myself of being ungrateful. He has been touting how he has been a great father and husband, but all things considered, I think he has done the bare minimum to qualify to be called a husband and a father. For instance, he claims how he has provided for the family as a great sacrifice on his part; he has a bad temper and is very contentious and disparaging so he has never been happy with his colleagues at work but yet he kept at it for "our sake". He also keeps saying how he has struggled to put me through the best schools. The most that he has done has been to talk to the headmasters of two elite high schools when I had to change schools because his job made us move.I've tried to be as considerate as possible: My high schools were made very affordable, I turned down a bunch of Ivies to go to a cheap, albeit great public school on a full ride, and now I am at a prestigious grad school on a full tuition scholarship. I will have barely any debt when I graduate. Of course, I haven't been a model son. And, he has contributed to my upbringing but forcing credit and thanks from me, makes me want to acknowledge his input even less.</p>

<p>He keeps harping on how he has been a great parent but honestly he gets a C+ in my books. Now he is asking me to do things and act in a manner that condones everything that has landed him in this jam. While I understand that it is my duty to defuse the situation I want to put my foot down and not let things slide, yet again. His friends have been calling me to make suggestions and have even insinuated that I am a bad son who is not giving back to his father (obviously they aren't aware of the entire picture). Given my dad's utter lack of remorse, I have picked up the cudgels on my mom's behalf (who is overwhelmed and very shaken). I do not wish him ill-will but I do wish that justice take its own course. I can rationalize all I want but I can't help feel confused , angry and even feel guilty at times.
You guys have been great at giving advice in the past. What should I do? Am I being unreasonably unrelenting here?</p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>p.s.- There is no financial dispute since my mom is not claiming anything.</p>

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<p>You’re an adult now. It is not your duty to defuse any situation. Its not clear to me what your dad wants. I can only guess you dont want to say. I can’t imagine any real parent wanting anything from you – but rather just being proud. If your school has mental health professionals, stop by and talk to them. Unless you have younger siblings at home that you want him to help out, there is no need for you to grovel. Many friends of divorcing people do not understand the situation and there is no need to explain to them. If you want, just tell them that they dont know the entire picture and to please stop contacting you.</p>

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<p>"While I understand that it is my duty to defuse the situation I want to put my foot down and not let things slide, yet again. His friends have been calling me to make suggestions and "</p>

<p>It is not your duty to defuse the situation. You are an adult. Live your own life. When his friends call, politely tell them that it’s a family problem that you don’t want to discuss with outsiders. Then politely get off the phone.</p>

<p>I agree with the suggestion to seek counseling for yourself as you could benefit from support during this stressful time.</p>

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<p>I was actually in a very similar situation, years ago, and agree with the two previous posters. A polite distance will also keep you from saying anything that you might regret, many years later.</p>

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<p>I agree completely with Northstarmom.</p>

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<p>I wish I could keep a polite distance; my dad has been bombarding me with calls and emails exhorting me to rise up to the challenge and be a “good son” and work things out. I finally did take his call yesterday and his absolute denial of any remorse made me so mad that I said some stuff that I wish I had said a bit more politely. Today he sent me an email asking to give importance to this urgent matter and come home to sort things out. I told him that I wont come home for a) school and b) I can do everything I need to do from afar. I am so disgusted by him that I do not want to see him for sometime. I think he suffers from mental problems. He definitely has some sort of mood disorder comorbid with god only knows what else.I don’t know how to suggest to him that he seek help.</p>

<p>It’s easy to not grovel now but still hard to speak my mind. Some parties call this being ungrateful which is quite unfair. I know I need to stand up for myself.</p>

<p>What kinds of things or explicit acts/contributions do parents normally take credit for? Can I tell him that what he has done is nothing out of the ordinary for there will always be people worse off than us and that should not be a source of pride?</p>

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<p>Thank you for the replies. Makes me feel less guilty.</p>

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<p>What a shame that your parents, esp. Dad it seems, are putting you in the middle of something that should be between the two of them. I agree that you need to find some outside help that will help you navigate this–keeping your wholeness and healing of utmost importance.</p>

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<p>If he does contact you, you suggest he see a mental health professional, if you beleive he should. You mention your parents are divorced. Is your Dad married or does he live with soemon? I dont beleive you are responsible for him, but if he is genuinely ill, you should suggest he get help.</p>

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<p>It’s hard to respond to your questions without knowing the specifics of a private situation, but I’ll give it a shot. I don’t think I’ll be saying anything that you don’t know already.</p>

<p>First off, I think that all of us who were blessed with parents who cared for us, met our basic needs, and provided a safe and relatively comfortable environment to grow up in should respect and appreciate those blessings. I get pretty annoyed at the childish mentality of so many kids that parents “owe” them a four-year education at the boutique college of their choice… a $300 prom dress… a $10k wedding… an iphone, a sports car, a pony.</p>

<p>Now, does this mean that your father gets to take credit for the hard work you put into your education? Absolutely not. Did he do your calculus homework for you, take your standardized tests, and write your application essays? (I hope not!) Credit for your work goes to you. Where you’ve received assistance, acknowledge it and be grateful and express your gratitude freely, but don’t let anyone take your accomplishments away from you. They are the result of your own efforts and sacrifices, and the base of your self-confidence.</p>

<p>Demanding that you, a self-sufficient adult, take sides in the divorce of your parents is inappropriate and petty. The behavior you have described (his, I mean) is manipulative and abusive, and seems to be escalating – either because it’s working for him, or because he hasn’t yet figured out that it won’t work for him. Getting that message across will require emotional strength and consistency on your part. “Dad, I love and appreciate both of you, and I’ve determined that the best thing I can do in this situation is stay out of it and not try to influence you and Mom.” “Dad, I know that both of you made sacrifices to raise me – parents always do – and I’ll always appreciate that. I know that what you’re going through now is hard. But it’s between the two of you, and I respect you both enough to stay out of your relationship.” “Dad, how could I choose between the two people who raised me? I won’t. It’s not fair to ask.” Or, more firmly, “This is between the two of you and I hope it works out for the best, but it’s none of my business.”</p>

<p>When speaking with this fellow, if you must, I would suggest that you mentally remove the label of “father” from him and think of him as you would any associate. This isn’t easy, but it will help you to see the behavior for what it is – separate from the emotional baggage of your history with him. If you need another label, try “travel agent.” And when he offers to book you on another guilt trip, decide whether or not you want to buy the tickets.</p>

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<p>Where do you get off grading your father??? Sheesh. Somewhere along the line, whether from him or someone else, you learned a sense of entitlement and learned to carry a huge chip on your shoulder. </p>

<p>Maybe there should be a thread called, “Dealing with a too-big-for-his-britches kid”.</p>

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<p>Dear PianoMom, I dont see any entitlement. I see a kid who feels sorry for his mom, who has likely born the brunt of his father’s temper for years, and just wants to be left alone by his dad. Are you divorced? Do you know how painful it can be? As a mom of a great kid, whose dad sees her at most one or twice a month for dinner, its not easy.</p>

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<p>I agree wholeheartedly with geek_mom. Do not allow him to harp on anything. Do not allow him to “make” you feel guilty - you cannot control his actions, but you can control your own reactions.</p>

<p>“Dad, I will not get into this.”
“Dad, I know you made sacrifices and I appreciate them. I will not discuss this further with you.”
“Dad, please understand that when you go on like this, I don’t want to deal with you anymore. Please stop or I will stop taking your calls and responding to your e-mails.”</p>

<p>Repeat as necessary.</p>

<p>Then to his “friends” - “I’m sorry. This is between me and my father. I appreciate your concern for him, but I will not discuss this with you.” Then hang up.</p>

<p>So sorry you’re going through this.</p>

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<p>I see absolutely no sense of entitlement from this OP. Kayf pegged what I saw as well. This is a dad who clearly wants his son to take the dad’s “side” in the divorce, and the poor kid is trying as best he can to stay out of the messy situation.</p>

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<p>FYI…the OP posted the exact original post in the Parent Cafe. There is a parallel discussion taking place there.</p>

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<p>^so what.
PianoMom65, sound like you have your own baggage you are dealing with with your stepdaughter. However, this is a completely different situation. You are jaded by your own situation, even bitter.
The OP has every right to be concerned with his father’s behavior and he is trying to be thoughtful and careful how he poses himself.
You have no insight into what has been going on in his household nor do you know what type of rearing this person had. Your advise is not constructive nor helpful.
OP, I would ignore the negative posts. I admire your accomplishments thus far. It seems like your dad is looking for some type of validation from you as a parent. I would politely acknowledge dad and his contribution to whatever he has done for you, but you are by no means responsible for him or difusing any situations.
Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>Something I posted in the other forum</p>

<p>"Thank you everyone for your response.</p>

<p>I’ve been purposely very vague about what caused the divorce, but the details are extremely gory. His manipulative and tempestuous nature are traits I can deal with better than some of his worse qualities.</p>

<p>He has always asked me to side with him and has asked me, in the past, repeatedly, point blank about who I think has had a bigger contribution to my life.That is really unfair, and while I’ve been a weasel and given him the answers he sought, I refuse to do so now. My entire life I’ve walked on egg shells around him. Compared to the very highly involved and enthusiastic parents I’ve seen on CC, my dad has been not involved at all. I do acknowledge his input but I take pride in being the independent and self-reliant person I am. I’ve consciously stayed far from involving him intimately in my life, because he has a tendency to obsessively dictate and complicate things as he managed to do last year when I asked him to co-sign a $20,000 loan for grad school. His precondition was that I convince my mom to change her behavior. The only reason he signed the loan in the end was because it hurt his pride when a friend’s parents agreed to co-sign the loan. However, he has no trouble in bragging to his friends about the school I now attend.</p>

<p>As far as helping my mom goes, I definitely am not impartial in this, but am just helping my mom restart her life. But, as far as picking up cudgels, all I want to see is a fair resolution. For long now, my mum and I have suffered and I just don’t want to cut my dad any slack any longer. I am not afraid or ashamed to say I feel extremely protective towards my mom.</p>

<p>I have scheduled a meeting with a counselor next week.</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

<p>p.s.- There is no special friend involved who is causing the divorce. It’s just plain old mum and dad. "</p>

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<p>As a person who grew up in a very dysfunctional family, I empathize with you, and I’m glad you’ll be getting support from a counselor.</p>