<p>Hi guys, so I have this dilemma, and I was hoping I can get more personal advices on here.</p>
<p>So, my older sister is going to an in-state school that's not "prestigious" enough to my dad. He's always been really hard on her for it calling her "stupid" and "worthless" and she has been struggling to stay strong. Her first year at college didn't go well and got a 2.7 gpa because of depression, but she was eventually able to pull herself up and got 4.0 for the past two years. She now has a 3.4 gpa and her major gpa is a 3.7. Anyway, she is applying for grad schools and she just took the gre and got an average score; my dad freaked out and started comparing me to her and she completely broke down. My dad is ridiculous; he cares so much about prestige. He constantly compares her to me, which is unfair because we are different people and I don't think comparing people should be way to go about things. I just walked in on them fighting and he said stuff like, "Your brother could do it, but you can't because you're so *****ing stupid!" It was TERRIBLE. My mom told my dad to calm down and I talked to him afterwards but he gave me huge attitude and said, "Shut up, this has nothing to do with you. Your sister is a failure! I gave up on her! Now, you better not wind up like her."</p>
<p>I hate him so much for doing this to my sister. I know he cares about us and he doesn't want us to end up like he did, but he is doing all of the wrong things to show us that he cares. He refuses to get counseling because he is so stubborn so that kind of advice will not help at all. If I talk to him about his attitude towards my sister, he FREAKS out and yells at me hardcore, telling to me shut up and stay out of their business. My sister called me while I was out with my friends and she was just completely bawling over the phone, so i got worried and told my friends I had to go home. I hate seeing her like this. She is really trying hard, but she REALLY wants to please my dad; it's like her number one goal in life. I keep telling her to just forget everything he says screw him but she is having a hard time letting it go. She even goes to school counseling for this. I'm just really sad and worried for her because I don't want my dad to bring her down anymore. What can I do? I just don't know what to do because my dad refuses everything. I know this is sort of a rant, but I'm sure i'm not the only student dealing with an issue like this. I need help!</p>
<p>I dealt with an issue very similar except I didn’t have any family members that took my side…I was the “failure child”. My dad is a high ranking Army officer so he is use to yelling at people under him and getting what he wants, my mom is a snob and my brothers have God-complexes thanks to my parents. I didn’t to well in high school because I didn’t see the point, it was no different if I came home with a 4.0 then if I cam home with a 1.0 so I didn’t try at all and I scraped by with a 2.14 GPA. When I got to my first semester at college I knew that I had to take it seriously and I got a 3.0…however my parents took away my college funding so I said “Screw this, I’m done.” So went out and enlisted in the Air Force…I went to an extreme but I don’t regret my choice at all. That said…I really don’t know what advice I can give other then just keep telling your sister that she isn’t dumb or stupid and that there are people who believe in her. Hopefully either she will realize that she doesn’t need your dad’s approval or he will break down and talk to a professional. Best I can do…hope it partially helps.</p>
<p>@DrewCollins,</p>
<p>Thanks for your honest response. I’m really sorry you had to deal with a similar situation, but you seem like you’ve well for yourself, so congrats on making it through! I’m honestly baffled by my dad’s attitude. He cares so much about prestige because where he came from (s. korea), it was a big deal. He thinks that if you don’t go to the top 30, then you will be a failure, but it’s not true. He is just stuck with that mindset. Also, he is afraid of what others might think of his children. In South Korea, prestige in education is HUGE, so if you don’t even go to a somewhat reputable institution, then you’re looked down upon. My dad is so scared of what people might say of his children that he goes crazy with school. I understand why he is like this, but we don’t even live there. Anyway, thanks for your help…I just hope my sister will make it through.</p>
<p>I kind of understand what you are saying. When i was younger i was labled “stupid” basically because i barely passed all of my classes (this was from my teachers). That i’d never be able to amount to much. Pssssh to that. I graduated 3rd in my class with a 4.0 gpa from highschool.</p>
<p>Anywho, If he continues on like this it would be best for her to cut him out of her life. That would most likely shock him into looking into his own behavior.</p>
<p>Hmmm…sounds like he is stuck in his way of thinking, most Asian cultures (from what I have seen) do place a high value on education and such so it is probable that he sees nothing wrong in what he is doing…hence the stubbornness to talk to anyone. Anyways like icedragon said if it gets worse then the best thing to do would be to cut all connections…thats basically what I did, I even changed my last name…I just don’t like being associated with my family. However that is a VERY extreme way to deal with it and all other options should be used first.</p>
<p>Well he does seem kinda stubborn so your options are limited. I think the best thing is to have your sister just ignore her dad (maybe cut off connections if necessary too). She should just stop listening to him/following what he wants, and she shouldn’t take what he says personally. I’d imagine that if she turned her back on her dad, she wouldn’t be too consumed by this whole situation, and she would be able to better focus on her other goals (unlike now where she seems to be distracted by it). </p>
<p>This reminds me of a few people I know who said that their parents told them that they HAVE TO be a doctor or engineer when they grow up. They didn’t want to do it, but their parents were kind of forcing them. Some of them decided to listen to their parents and went through the schooling, but were unhappy in the end with their career. Some of them decided to ignore their parents, stop listening to them, and turn their back on them, and they did what they wanted to instead…and they’re a lot happier now. </p>
<p>Bottom line is that while it seems extreme, the best solution is to get your sister to stop listening to her dad and to start ignoring him.</p>
<p>What prestigious school did your father attend? What was his GPA in school? Since your sister has half of her genes from him, maybe he donated the part that isn’t so successful in school, and that is why he gets mad, because he is really angry with his own failures and short comings. Does he really believe that yelling and belittling your sister is going to somehow help her do better?
Help your sister realize that his behavior has not really been about her; that your father acts this way because he is not happy with himself ultimately. Be the positive support your sister needs. She probably can’t separate herself from your father, if he is paying her college bills, but she can tell him less, and live her own life. Under FERPA, she does NOT have to have him know her grades, etc. She needs to protect herself from this abuse, do the best she can because it’s what she wants for herself first and foremost, and realize that while very sad, she may never be able to get complete acceptance from your father. This is not her problem; it is your father who will be a lonely old man sooner than he thinks! Hopefully she is finding professors and mentors at her college who can help her see her strengths and growth. She needs to trust them and let herself believe the good things those people say.</p>
<p>I think the advice others gave about cutting connections with him would be good, but probably can cut all connections if he is paying for college. I don’t know what else to tell you, but I’m sorry you and your sister are going through this. I have a couple friends whose parents yell at them also when they get anything less than an A.</p>
<p>The descriptions of the parents read like Amy Chua:</p>
<p>[Why</a> Chinese Mothers Are Superior - WSJ.com](<a href=“Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior - WSJ”>Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior - WSJ)</p>
<p>I kinda went through the same thing with my parents (but on much lesser scale). During high school, I was getting by with a 2.7-2.8 GPA, but my dad wouldn’t accept anything less than a 4.0. I’d receive constant abuse about how I wasn’t going to get accepted to any good universities. I was always scared about trying to please my parents, which didn’t help my grades, at all.</p>
<p>I ended up going to a community college, (the abuse only got worse after that), but that’s when I decided I was going to exclude my parents from my education permanently (except for financing). I transferred 2 years later to a UC with a 3.64 GPA. All of a sudden, my dad started bragging about me to his friends. At first, it didn’t bother me much. But then one time, he said to a friend “You have to be strict with them, because that’s the only way they’ll do well”, to which I said, “No, you were tough with me in high school, and because of that I went to a community college. I did everything on my own in college, you had nothing to with it.” The look on his face… priceless!!!</p>
<p>Point of the story: Tell your sister to forget about her father thinks and only focus on her own future. Once she graduates with a great degree, your father will be singing a different tune.</p>
<p>ugh. The same situation happens in my family. I cannot give you any advice, I can only commiserate. Except in my family, I am…
I: the smart kid who gets constantly abused for being disobedient. not able to relate to people. not caring. heartless. unclean ( my room is pretty dirty) incompetent and unable to survive on her own.</p>
<p>brother: stupid, unable to study, not serious…</p>
<p>needless to say, I have spent the better part of my life attempting to excell in school and prove my worth.</p>
<p>I still feel worthless.</p>
<p>You guys are amazing. I really appreciate all of the responses on here, and I’m glad you guys made it through. My sister and I had a talk today about the dad issue and she told me that she has come to a realization point that she needs to stop letting him get to her. I’m really happy I heard this from her. We also both agreed that once I move out for college in the fall, we will both cut off connections from our dad. Life will be much much easier without him…at least for a while. Again, thanks for the answers guys. It means a lot to me.</p>