Parents: Please respond with your opinion/advice

Parent Cafe
1

Two years ago, I was attending a community college out-of-state (tuition roughly $4,000/yr). My father paid both years. During this time, I paid for rent and food and he paid my other bills (car insurance, phone, etc.). Before I moved home in 2015 to attend an in-state university, he informed me that he would no longer be paying for my tuition. Reason being, he paid 4 years’ tuition for my brother and paid for 2 years of junior hockey and 2 years’ tuition for me. I never knew that was the plan, but whatever, that logic is reasonable.

As soon as I did move home, he informed me that he would not be paying any bills for me. No car insurance/repairs/registration/anything, no phone bill, no doctor/dental visits – nothing. He said he will not charge me rent (yippie) and will buy food. To go along with this great news, he had compiled a backlog of bills, totaling around $1,000 that he decided he was off the hook for.

Note: I was cut-off at the same age as my brother, but my brother had graduated college and had a full-time job at this age. I took 2 yrs off after HS to play hockey and will be graduating college just after turning 24.

I have been paying for everything except rent and food at home for nearly two years now. I am constantly working (35-40 hours per week) plus freelance writing for extra money. Yes, I cover all of my bills, college expenses, and as much tuition as possible. I am also building an emergency fund because I now understand my father won’t be there in an emergency.
My life is constant work – full time student, full-time job, 10 hours of commuting each week, 15-20 hours of homework – every week. I am running on empty.

I did poorly on a very important test last night after pulling an all-nighter the night before. Then I woke up this morning to see the monthly “bill” my father writes out for me (he pays and I reimburse him) with an additional charge for a AAA membership fee that he split into thirds (didn’t do this last year).

I have been very upset about this situation and am beginning to resent my father for this. To the point where I don’t plan on having much contact after moving out. Financially, yes, he absolutely could help me in some capacity.

My question is: from a moral perspective, as a parent, how would you feel doing this to your child?

2

Well, every family is different. That said, I would not do this to my child. I want my children to succeed, so I have done and still do whatever I can to help them both with that. They are both adults now, but both still in graduate school with hardly any money, so I help them out financially when they need it.

I hope you didn’t do so poorly on that important test that it’s going to jeopardize your schedule of graduating. Your goal should simply be to finish your degree and move out.

I’m sorry you have to have all this stress.

3

@taxnerd


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My question is: from a moral perspective, as a parent, how would you feel doing this to your child? <<

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I would feel like a scumbag.


[QUOTE=""]
Reason being, he paid 4 years’ tuition for my brother and paid for 2 years of junior hockey and 2 years’ tuition for me. I never knew that was the plan, but whatever, that logic is reasonable. <<

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No, the logic is NOT reasonable. The reasonable logic would assume that dad would provide for the same level of education for each of you – a Bachelors degree.

Reasonable would be telling you four years ago, “I will pay for 4 years of college, or 2 years hockey and 2 years college. Which do you choose?” Pulling the rug now without any warning is stupid, counterproductive, and cruel.

4

Yes, every family is different. My daughter has a student loan that includes living expenses, because it is much easier to borrow as a young person than one about to retire. If she needs help paying off the loan later, that would be much easier for me.

5

I’ll echo the thoughts that I wouldn’t do this to my child.

But I’m not YOUR parent, so that doesn’t really matter. My dad wrote two checks for tuition - for $500 - and then said no more. I paid for college by borrowing the federal limit back when it was possible to pay for college with just normal federal student loans.

You probably can’t quite do that. Are you borrowing any? Perhaps you can borrow the federal loan amount and work less?

6

It sucks that you’re in this situation but truly, try to move past the resentment and hurt. Like @missbwith2boys , I also got next to no help from my parents back in the day and had quite a bit of resentment built up for years, which still crops up now and then. It’s my problem, though, because I’m the one who lets it color my mood.

Granted, you’re stuck where you are right now. But you said you moved back two years ago; does this mean you’re close to graduating? Your priority should be to get out as soon as possible with as little grief as possible.

If that’s still far off, is there no other family member you could bunk with for a while?

7

Your family has poor communication skills. You probably can’t change your father, but you can improve yourself.

Yes, it would be better if your father had been able and willing to articulate the level of support he would offer, and for how long. But he didn’t. Read up on communication techniques, active listening, etc. It’s a skill you will need in the real world, not just with your father and about college funding.

I’m sorry the path you are on has been bumpy, but good luck. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and will be able to make your way in the world, but you know now that you can’t depend on your father for college funding.

You didn’t mention what his life has been like, how he got to where he is, or why you think he can or should pay more for you. Maybe before you cut off your relationship with him you could give that some thought.

You have some reason to mope for a while, but as with the rest of us, the world does not owe you a living. Go out and see what you can make of your life anyway. Good luck.

8

As VeryHappy said, each family is different. As a parent, I would probably act like your Dad… IF my kid was doing nothing but going to college. But if my kid worked full time plus going to school, I would help–a lot! That being said, your situation is what it is.

Any chance you could get a loan from your Dad so you don’t have to work full time? A loan from somewhere else?
As you get closer to your degree, you’ll need adequate study time in order to successfully graduate. Could you maybe work half or 3/4 time?

I’m guessing by your timeline, you should be on the home stretch to a degree if you started in 2015. Ignore your anger at your Dad for now. You’ve proven to yourself that you can do it, albeit difficult. Keep your focus on that which you can have some control over…and get your degree. And breathe.

9

As a parent, I differ from some of the other opinions on here. Your dad is being harsh, but fair. I don’t think he is being immoral. Neither is he showing much grace. I would guess there is more of a backstory behind the “2 years of hockey” that is playing in here. Perhaps he felt he was going above and beyond by paying for you to do something that was highly unlikely to result in a real career, and thinks that you should be living some of the consequences of putting off your college education. But I can’t know his mind. Bottom line is, from my very limited knowledge of your situation:
– Your dad is harsh but “fair”
– You are correct that by not showing grace he is endangering his long-term relationship with you, which as a dad myself is very sad
– Perhaps there is some middle ground? Where you could show more gratitude for his willingness to let you live at home rent free past 22 and front the money for your expenses, and he could do it without resentment and respect your willingness to take on the responsibility, even though it is very hard.

10

I wouldn’t do this to my kids. But, generations ago, parents did not support their kids past the age of 21. So you can’t completely discount his generosity in letting you live at home rent-free and also paying for food. Not knowing the backstory of “out-of-state” community college, I’m not sure what the dynamics are that led to the current situation. Sure, he could be paying more. He could also be doing less.

This time is temporary. Make the best of it.

Good luck!

11

It looks like the main thing your father is doing that bothers you is changing his terms in what seems like an arbitrary fashion without warning. For example, not telling you at high school graduation what he would support you in terms of college, hockey, etc., instead springing it on you halfway through college.

That would bother many people, regardless of how reasonable the actual terms were.

12

It is petty. It is one thing to charge you X per month to cover all your share of bills. This should be a set amount each month. When he tries to itemize and adds in new things, it is just silly.

Perhaps you can talk to him about simply agreeing a set amount each month without the need to itemize. Some months it will be less than his itemized list, but some months it will be more.

That could take some of the stress out of it bc it seems like that is grinding on you as much as the physical work is.

13

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Your dad is being harsh, but fair. <<

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I don’t see anything fair about it. He did not lay out the “rules” ahead of time and now is just making them as he goes along, very much to his son’s educational detriment. I don’t understand why any parent would actively sabotage their child’s education and future like this.


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generations ago, parents did not support their kids past the age of 21. <<

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college didn’t cost up to a quarter of a million dollars either.

14

I wouldn’t do this to my kids but would love to hear his side.

We are fortunate to have the resources to support our kids through launching. Both of my Ds will be graduate students next year, and they get stipends. However, the amount is not enough for them to live as safely as we would like.

However the older one worked for two years at a high paying job and saved a lot of money. Within 2 weeks of moving home after graduation she concluded that it would be healthier for everybody if she lived on her own.

The younger one is going directly to grad school and does not have a bankroll.

We have offered to help out each one, but the older one prefers not to accept help, though has been rethinking that position as her bank balance diminishes. The younger one will accept help, but only what she needs.

What is fair? There are really two approaches. Provide equally based on equal money to each kid, or provide based on need, as generously as necessary for each kid depending on their needs. We have chosen the latter, but honestly the former is pretty fair also. We might decide to give each kid an annual gift so that we are giving to each fairly.

Your father is doing what he thinks is fair, and you ARE getting free-room and board, which depending on where you live, may be worth considerably more than tuition. Before you go resenting him ask yourself what is fair. Is he obligated to spend more on you than on your brother?

None of this is relevant though. These are the cards you’ve been dealt. You can whine or you can act.

Advice?

Finish your torturous life through the end of the semester it’s only about 4 more weeks. Do the best that you can.

Then do some soul searching.

IMHO, you cannot resent your father for limiting his support to only free room and board WHILE STILL ACCEPTING THAT FREE ROOM AND BOARD.

IMHO, you must either a) make a clean financial break, or b) continue on your current path with gratitude.

You have options. You can borrow money. You can slow down your education. When you are 24, you are independent for financial aid purposes. Are you studying something really lucrative?

If he was no longer around, what would your course of action be?

Answer this question and then decide which of the two courses of action make the most sense. A 23 year old man resenting his father for not providing full financial support while he lives in his house and eats his food is not a pretty picture. YOU need to be a better person than that. Maybe your father thinks he’s enabling your lack of independence. Maybe he is. I just don’t know.

15

Hearing the story from your perspective, your father sounds like kind of a jerk. I wonder how he would tell the story. Usually the truth lies somewhere between.

That said I’m sorry you’re going through this. At least at the end you’ll know you can stand on your own two feet and that’s worth more than anything.

16

We don’t know the back story, how you were raised, the family financial position, what Dad thinks he said, over the years, and any conflict over the decision not to start college after high school (or the decision to leave hockey.) Or conflict about you living at home.

It can seem “harsh” to charge you for so much, without some give. But not immoral or unethical. Rather than resent him, focus on your motivations to finish college well and move on with your life. If I heard one of my kids’ friends was in this position, was considering not having much future contact, sorry, but I’d wonder about the kid’s bitterness.

We know this is hard on you. But in the real world, it’s not uncommon for a parent to allow a son or dau to live at home, rent-free, food covered, but expect the rest to be handled by the kid. Many of us do pay for- or help pay for- college. But not all are in that position. And we don’t know,from your few words, if Dad thinks this is the grow-up lesson you needed, based on some past circumstances.

Clearly, you are growing, now. Good job for that.

17

Is there any possibility that you could convince your dad to let you pay some of the bills after you graduate? Tell him, truthfully that you’re running on empty and just can’t see how you can work more hours to pay the new expenses. Say that you’ll pay him back the same way you would if you borrow money for college–beginning 9 months after graduation. Keep calm when you offer this as a compromise.

18

It sounds to me like your dad is trying to incrementally increase your financial responsibility for yourself. I agree it’s unfair that he didn’t communicate his expectations to you so you could make better plans. As a parent, though, we aren’t perfect and like everyone else, we sometimes get ourselves into situations that we then have to get ourselves out of. Two thoughts immediately come to mind. One is that he either had a financial reversal that he’s not sharing with you or is panicked about his upcoming retirement and lack of sufficient savings. Another is that he might have expected his support obligations to be over by now and is taking these steps to get you to take over more of these obligations for yourself. this sounds counter-intuitive, but could your father be seeing you spending much more time on low level jobs than studying, and be freaking out that you aren’t going to finish up? Could he be questioning whether you have sufficient motivation to finish and direction with what you will be doing after you graduate? No need to answer me, that’s just food for thought.

I think you will really need to have a good talk with your father and see where he is coming from. But you need to do a couple of things first. One is that you need to acknowledge to yourself that although this situation seems unfair because it’s a surprise, he IS still helping you, and has given you a lot in life so far (I’m sure all those years of paying for hockey weren’t cheap). Another is to go to career services and talk to them about your job prospects upon graduating and what you need to do to get a self-supporting job at that time. You also need to sit down with your academic advisor and figure out how many more semesters you have before graduating. Then, when you are talking with your dad, if he has the financial ability to help you more, you can show him that there is an end in sight, and that his continuing to help you is a good investment. If your dad is freaked out about his lack of retirement savings, you may need to treat any further support as a loan, but at this point all your low paying jobs are hurting your ability to get the job of graduating done.

Good luck to you and your father. I hope you guys can have a productive and respectful conversation.

19

I wouldn’t do what he did, with my son I made a committment to him and his future and he has shown me that he appreciates the sacrifices we made for him (and are fortunate to be able to do so), but we also didn’t change the rules with him either, at the very least without talking to him.

That said the unfairness of what your dad is doing is now explaining to you that the 2 years of junior hockey was included, as someone else said, I would have expected him to have said “I’ll pay for the next 4 years and that is that”, you would then make decisions based on that. As a parent myself I would question why he is doing this, you certainly aren’t the stereotypical kid who is living at home and living off your parents and not doing anything, you are working and going to school and being responsible.

I think you should talk to your dad about this, and maybe as someone suggested see if he would be willing to pay for your expenses until you graduate that you are having difficulty with and have him keep track of it, and you pay him back once you are out of school as a loan? What bothers me about your dad’s decision making is (from the view you gave) is that he is almost creating a self fulfilling prophesy with your school, that he is sort of looking at it as if you will fail, and is doing things that might guarantee that (and again, I don’t know the whole picture). Does your dad resent paying for his kids higher education? Is he perhaps seeing tight financial situations and afraid for his retirement? I think you need to talk to him, to be honest whether I think it is fair or not is not relevant, what is relevant is you have been put into a tight predicament, one that could also affect your relationship with him, and to be fair to him I think you need to tell him what you have written here, shown him what you are doing, and see if you can get him to compromise. Like I said, when it comes to my kid’s future I do everything I can to help him succeed and as long as he is showing me he is dedicated to that and understands what we do came with a price, I am fine with that, what I worry is that somehow either your dad is facing financial problems, or somehow he has the perception that rather than working towards your future you have slacked off or something, someone mentioned you playing Junior hockey ‘without any chance of making it’, maybe your father feels like that was an indulgence, rather than seeing if you could make it, you don’t know until you try. Again, I think you need to talk to him and see why he did what he did, he has the right to do that, but to me it is important you find out why and make sure he doesn’t see you in a light that isn’t true.

20

Are you considered an Independent at age 24? If true, you can apply to schools based on your income. Maybe you will get into a college that is ncludes room and board, tho I doubt it. Redo your FAFSA and see what happens, with lots cal schools.