“It’s getting frustrating to me to explain to friends and family who watched my son grow up that he will not play college soccer at the varsity level. Some make me feel like I failed somehow or that we did something wrong in the process. I’m dealing with a barrage of emotional feelings, including the loss of our many weekends spent watching him play.”
Seems like it’s YOUR dream.
I would like to share a point to consider: Many college athletes quit their sport after their freshman year of college; more quit after their sophomore year.
Your son seems to have strong preferences; let him be happy. If he misses the sport after a year off, he can play on a club team or in a recreational league which attracts former college athletes.
I did not enjoy attending an LAC in a rural, isolated area. I was a multi-sport athlete who chose not to play sports at the D-III level (tried it, but hated it. I would have been fine in a D-I setting and I was only recruited by D-I schools.)
P.S. Encourage your son to exercise during his college years. Running, weightlifting, club sports, adventure trips, etc. are almost always available options.
Something your son seems to have already figured out- college has TONS more options than HS! And unlike most high schools, where if you try out for the musical you’re tagged a theater nerd, or if you edit a poetry magazine you’re a literary nerd, (etc.) in college you can do five different things and nobody blinks. You can play ultimate on a club team, coach soccer at a local elementary school, do swing dancing every Tuesday night, and join the eco-group working with campus food service to eliminate single use plastic from the dining halls. All of these while taking a full load, and having weekends to be social, study, hike or learn to make french pastry.
The gung-ho athletes arrive on campus and it takes them time to realize what they are missing. Be proud your son got there first!
This. If he wants to play soccer, I’m sure he can find a way to do so while at college….that is not on a varsity team. Even pick up games can be lots of fun…no pressure, and a way to just do the sport for fun.
This is one of the.things that can make kid’s sports toxic.
We spent a ton of money on music related activities. A ton. But we did it because it was something both of our kids really enjoyed doing. Do we miss the concerts, and shows? Sure. But we didn’t pay the money out while they were growing up with any anticipation it would help with college…or continue forever (disclaimer…one of our kids is a freelance musician…but not playing the types of music he played in HS).
As I said…IF your son wants to play soccer, he will be able to at least find friends for a pick up game every so often. Or maybe club soccer. Or maybe…swimming or tennis or something different.
Exactly! We’ve spent a small fortune, but we didn’t do it for a boost in admissions or a scholarship. We did it so our child could do something he enjoyed at the level that he wanted. It wasn’t the means to an end.
I think parents who approach sports this way are often in for a rude awaking.
OP - I’m sorry you’re feeling down.I think your son will find his stride in college with or without some form of soccer, and all will be well.
I understand your sadness but realize this is your son making this choice which is so mature.
My kid was a talented, high level club swimmer and water polo player. It was a huge part of his life (and mine) until he was 16. He is also an amazing musician and he chose to pursue music at a performing arts HS across the country from our home. He went from 2 a day practices to a HS (and now a music conservatory) with no pool or ocean. It was a huge decision and one he has never regretted.
I have such great memories of travel with the boys and cheering for them at all of those meets and games. It was an amazing time.
But those times were never wasted. My son learned so much about handling pressure, about being a strong person and teammate, about devotion and perseverance and incredibly hard work. These have all translated well into his life as a musician.
And what makes me really happy is that when he comes home (like next week for Thanksgiving) he is excited to go swim at the pool where he used to train…just for fun and because it makes his body feel good. 
I haven’t read the thread but you are exploring “your” feelings and not those of your sons. I know many kids in the same situation that made the same decisions. These kids grow up faster and then you think. Maybe they just want that normal college experience. Many of these kids play intermural /club sports just to have fun and be one of the regular kids.
Listen to your son. Many parents don’t listen to what their kids are telling them. He is.
Good luck with his college experience.
I would bet soccer is giving him a TON of help in admissions, actually. He may not be recruited to play soccer, but I would be willing to bet that his long-term commitment to soccer has helped him build extreme discipline, afforded him opportunities to travel and expand his horizons, build self-confidence, develop and demonstrate leadership skills, etc. So many kids play sports, some very competitively. Almost no one goes on to be a world-class athlete. That does NOT mean it’s all for nothing and it doesn’t mean it’s not helping him in admissions. I say this with encouragement (not admonishment) and a the mom of a dedicated varsity athlete. Best of luck to your son (and you!). 
OP said her son was in the recruiting process before he decided to focus his energy at college on things other than soccer. I have to believe they were referring to the type of help a coach can offer recruits with admission, which is significant.
As the parent of a college soccer player I wholeheartedly agree with your point that demonstrated commitment, discipline and leadership skills developed over years of high level soccer may help a student stand out during traditional admissions.
Both my sons didn’t want to play soccer in college, they played on college club teams instead. The younger one plated travel and club since 8 (highest scorer), and was varsity captain. His friend (the other captain, friends since kindergarten) was recruited for D1. It was tough, he started as a freshman, lots of the players were from overseas, he had a hard time making friends (starting as a freshman doesn’t work well for making friends with teammates). My son drove 2 hour today to see his friend’s game. It was never about the money for us, my kids loved to play.
A kid on S24’s soccer team made All State, totally could have been recruited, just decided not to so he could simply choose the best college for him.
This happens all the time, that kids get off the highest track in their sport at the juncture between HS and college. No one failed, it is just a choice, and typically a reasonable one.
I laud your son’s maturity is stepping away from something he’s done for so long, and which his parents are heavily invested in, and choosing a new path that he thinks will make him happier. He knows you’ll be fine. If he didn’t, he might feel guilted into making the wrong decision.
I played varsity soccer my freshman year and it was a huge time commitment (much larger than high school). Sure other students could manage it, but I was in Lit. Mag, International Club, and commuting to a one day a week internship at Atlantic Monthly while attending practices every night, traveling to games many weekends, seeing no one off the team because there was only one dining hall open late for athletes etc. My life improved sophomore year when I quit. I did club crew and club running and still had tons of time for other pursuits and was able to see other friends and eat with anyone I wanted to wherever I wanted.
A niece was recruited for D1 soccer after a spectacular career in high school and on the state team. Her experience was horrible, the coach was manipulative and borderline abusive, she got chronic injuries, and there was no commitment to the athletes as human beings or students. She went from being an energetic, smiley fantastic ray of sunshine to a depressed kid feeling like a failure. That doesn’t happen to all or most D1 athletes but the coach is a HUGE part of the experience.
College has MUCH to offer without varsity sports. For those who want to do them and enjoy it, great. But for those who don’t, that’s great too; they had a wonderful run, and they’re selling high to move on to new things.
Spouse played basketball at a D3 school, and was on academic scholarship. Academics were the focus and were challenging (STEM major). The bball schedule was hard — tournaments during holidays, etc. We were dating long-distance at the time and never saw each other. Burned out on the punishing schedule and quit in junior year, which was a great decision with no regrets. My in-laws were NOT happy initially, and it caused quite a lot of conflict, but they came around to being understanding.
Contrast that with my sister-in-law. Played D1 basketball on athletic scholarship. Also in a challenging major and was top scorer on her team. Also burned out, and would call us in tears. Felt she couldn’t quit because she was on athletic scholarship, and because she’d be letting her team and parents down. She played all 4 years, but we were really worried about her. She still talks about her tenuous mental health during those years and how horribly depressed she was even though she was kind of blind to it at the time.
I know other kids who are ending up at schools that I don’t think are good fits – just to play their sport. But if that’s what’s important to them, I’m happy for them.
I know lots of people love playing sports in college. But I think this kid is smart to follow his gut on this! It will be hard for the parents, but they’ll come around 
My S22’s sport was football - he played flag and tackle football starting at age 8 up through his senior year in high school. Due to the extensive time commitment and his chosen STEM major, he opted not to pursue football on the college level. The years we spent on the football sidelines were some of the most enjoyable times we’ve had as parents. During some off seasons when he played flags, my husband often coached and had very successful teams. As a senior in high school, his team won the championship, of which he played a significant role in the victory. He went from the high of that experience, to a crash a week later as reality sunk in that his tackle football days were now over.
Not being able to watch him play football (or any sport, as he also played others over the years), has been the biggest adjustment for us as parents. I miss the days of cheering him on from the sidelines, and experiencing the highs and lows of the game. My son spent a lot of last year missing the game as well, but knew it was not in the cards to play. Ultimately, we all had to mourn the fact that that part of our lives had come to an end.
This year his university has an active flag football intramural program, so he’s found his new home there. He’s so happy to be back on the field and playing for fun without the big time commitment. I still wish I could watch him play, but he’s quite a distance away, and it would probably be strange for a parent to show up at an intramural game. But I’m thrilled for him that he’s got a new opportunity to play the game he loves the most. As well as open himself up to some new opportunities on the club or intramural level.
My daughter also decided that she didn’t want a D3/LAC college experience. She could have played D1, but wasn’t interested in they schools or the level of play she could have had in D1. So she went with D2 and that worked for her (a STEM school).
Several of her friends went D1 and had the type of experiences described above, with very limited playing time or at schools that weren’t the best fit for them.
OP, your son could also find the soccer experience by being a referee and making a good bit of money while in college. My nephews have been working as umps and refs since they were 13 and really do make quite a bit. Their town hosts a lot of tournaments over the summer so they could make about $1000 on a (very) busy weekend, but mostly they work 2-3 games (hockey, baseball, soccer) in a weekend. One is playing club hockey in his first year of college and had saved enough that he doesn’t have to work this year, but figures he’ll ref a few games over the holidays to pad his bank account and get some ice time in.
Of course that doesn’t help the parents over the loss of watching and cheering at games.
My son’s and my daughter’s sport of choice was water polo. No professional leagues to provide a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I lightly pushed both my kids to play in high school. They both enjoyed playing and, as a parent, I enjoyed watching them.
My son was really good at water polo. He was selected to attend the 18 and under national tryouts. He didn’t make it, but I thought it was an honor to just be invited. He was upset he didn’t make it but got over it. My wife and I spent a lot of money sending him all over the country (and even internationally) to play.
He knew a couple of older kids who tried doing engineering and D1 water polo. It didn’t mix, labs and practice. These kids had to choose between the two. My son also wanted to have a career in engineering. So, right away he decided he wasn’t playing D1 in college. He looked at D3 but decided to give it up completely. I was quite disappointed but actually supported his decision.
I thought back to why I encouraged his participation in water polo. It was to get him off the couch and get into shape, which it did in spades. I also wanted him to learn what was meant by teamwork and the responsibility each player had towards his teammates. These skills are also important in one’s professional career as an engineer. It also forced him to manage his time as water polo, even in high school and the club teams, took up a fair amount of time. A skill that is important in life and especially in engineering school. He had accomplished all those goals playing in high school and club. So, there really wasn’t anything more other than playing at a higher level that he was going to benefit from by playing in college.
My only disappointment at this point, many years later, is that he didn’t keep playing at some kind of master’s level or such. Or maybe pick up another sport. He is quite out of shape now and I wish for his health that he would be more active.
My daughter didn’t have the same level of talent for the sport that my son had but she still played high school and some club water polo. She also got to travel but not as much as my son. She also accomplished all the goals I had for her as well. She does maintain an interest in sports and keeps herself in pretty good shape, so that part worked out good for her.
So, if your son enjoyed his playing days and enjoyed the benefits of playing a team sport, consider his playing time well spent.
You have lots of advice here already.
I just wanted to send over some virtual hugs and tell you that I understand, as we are in a similar position. While it is definitely a heart breaker, you have to let him make that choice and fully support him in his decisions. At the end of the day, who knows, maybe he’ll join club.
It’s hard to let go, I get it. Just allow yourself the time to grieve and take care of yourself.
I also understand the emotions you are feeling. This is the perfect place to come and vent about it, rather than with your S. Even though we might intellectually know our kid playing college sports is not about us or our goals as parents, that doesn’t make it easier in the moment.
I applaud your S for making a mature and thoughtful decision, I’m sure it was difficult for him too. All the best to him (and you) through the admissions process.