Perhaps part of your difficulty dealing with this is because sports, travel, team parties, etc. where a way you bonded with your son and you’re afraid that you won’t have that connection when he’s away at college. S23 went to boarding school and we talked almost nightly about whatever sport he was playing that season. It was great following his teams and even though we couldn’t make every game in person, we were able to watch the games online that we couldn’t get to and get a glimpse of him.
In a way, I’m glad he’s not playing in college because, due to distance, we wouldn’t be able to make any of the games and I think I’d have a hard time with that. Truthfully, I was a bit worried that we wouldn’t talk as often as we wouldn’t be getting an after-game debrief. I didn’t need to worry at all. And all those talks we used to have about sports are now about all the new and awesome things he is getting to experience.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your kindness, understanding and time to reply to my post!!! I was in a funk yesterday and your posts helped me tremendously. As some of you said, this truly feels like a grieving and mourning process. Youth sports have been a huge part of our lives, and as S24 is my youngest, I think you are right that I am dealing with all the emotions before becoming an empty nester.
You are all right that the path and choices are his to make (provided we can afford them haha), and that I should not be projecting my dreams onto his. That said, I deeply appreciate all of you who acknowledged my feelings and made me feel less alone in my thoughts. Same to those of you who shared all your stories about your kids, family members, friends, etc., that either struggled with the decision to stop their sport, embraced their new lives with gusto, or those that thrived with D1/D2/D3 varsity, club, or intramural athletics and other passions.
These parental transitions when our kids move into their new life phases can be hard, and I think I’m just trying to come to terms with the lack of soccer games on weekends and our impending empty nester stage. My son has been an accomplished player all his life (and as some of you shared about your kids, my son was invited to a national team camp once and travel abroad as well). Given all his dedication and talent in the sport, it’s been harder to accept that he won’t take it to the next level in college, but as some of you rightfully pointed out, he is going to college to learn, grow, explore, and discover a career that is not that of a professional soccer player. And either he would have to stop now, or 4 years from now anyways. As my older S22 is fond of saying, “chillax mom! It’s not that deep!”
Fingers crossed college admissions will work out for him (he’s a great student after all), and he will end up in a school that will offer plenty of opportunities to develop himself as a young man and have fun in the large school environment that he desires (with a great football team and school spirit to boot!)
All the best to you all,
#soccerfanforlife
He is growing up.
I know a ton of kids who love their sport but didn’t want to “sell their soul to the devil” as college athletes. The sport almost always comes first in college. It’s quite soul destroying for a lot of college athletes, who have to deal with a lot of stress in addition to maintaining grades. Maybe your son wants to put himself first, or explore other things in college besides his sport.
You’re making this about you, so try not to. It’s really about him and his choices.
Fast forward a bit…D1 has a toddler now. This weekend when I was there, I watched D1 and granddaughter put on their ballet outfits to go to the mommy and kid ballet class. GD is also very good at kicking that soccer ball…
FWIW, my kids had several friends who were serious, recruitable soccer players in high school. I can’t think of a single one who competed all four years in college. The ones who had the most rewarding athletic experiences in college were actually the ones who gave up soccer, joined club rugby teams, and became passionate about that. (And their parents became passionate spectators too!) Not to say that’s necessarily the path for your son; just saying that there are many possibilities.
The one thing I’ll say about not competing in college, when you’ve been an athlete in high school, is that you no longer have a ready-made “tribe” waiting for you in a new environment. My daughter who was serious about volleyball in HS (but not amazing enough to be recruitable at 5’4", lol) definitely found the social adjustment to college more difficult without the structure of a team. Depending on your child’s personality, it’s worth thinking about what he might fill that void with (and club sports can be one good option).
I so feel what you’re saying. My son was a state ranked goalkeeper in Texas and began the recruiting process junior year in earnest. Despite having incredible talent, it turned out he was playing because his friends were playing and when they all graduated (he has a November birthday so he was young for his team) he didn’t want to play anymore. So I saw him play his last game as a junior and didn’t even know it!It takes some time to get used to your life without the excitement and activity and yes, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was sad. But as others have suggested, he is showing great maturity and ability to stand up for what he feels is right for him and you should be proud!
Consider an alternate point of view.
For example:
Instead of it being a perspective of “How sad that we spent all this time & effort over the years for him to use soccer as a leg up on college admissions and now he’s squandered it all,” look at the situation as like the following:
- he’s had several years of practice in learning & knowing what it’s like to work with others who might be really different than you, how to work on a team with other people. He’ll definitely have to do that in college and at work later on in his professional life.
- the confidence he’s gained by experiencing having to put in hours of practice at something in order to refine your skills. It doesn’t happen overnight. This will apply to things he does in college and beyond.
- the self-confidence he’s gained from the soccer experience, so that he now has an attitude of “I’m going to try something new that I haven’t done before and there will be times where it’s hard or challenging, but I did that with soccer and I can do it again in the next adventure.”
- the self-awareness he’s developed to know that he’s ready to try something new.
It’s not about soccer.
Were all of those years, time, money at soccer wasted? No.
Will you have parental bragging rights to be able to say that your kid got an athletic scholarship in college? No.
Your son is forging his own path forward in life. That’s a good thing. He’s excited about it and not afraid. That’s a good thing. As far as I can tell, mission accomplished from a parent’s point of view.
OP: Your son’s decision means that both he & you are giving up the sport. Most likely, you & he will both experience withdrawal symptoms.
Comforting words ? Yes, just one–concussions.
The effects of multiple concussions show up later in life.
Another individual at my LAC who competed in two of the sports that I would have competed in cannot even dress himself or remember beyond one minute–yes, one minute–due to suffering an estimated 50 concussions during 4 years of competing at the D-3 level in wrestling & football and some experienced during high school. Sure he enjoyed his glory years during college and was a national champion in wrestling and offered tryouts for an NFL team or two, but his life “ended” a bit before typical retirement age and he is now living in assisted care/institutionalized.
Soccer players do incur concussions, although not as frequently as do wrestlers and football players–but it only takes a handful to mess up one’s life.
My D also forgo her sport in college and for her it was the best decision ever. So much of her life was centered around her sport in high school and before that she really enjoyed “just” being a student and discovering other interests and having time for them.
She has some friends who continued on and some had good experiences and others did not. I think there are times my D misses it but she can’t imagine still having that being the center of her life. I think she’s very happy with her choice. It was a little bit of an adjustment because that was a big part of her identity for so long but now she has since built her identity around other things.
Most people have to give up their sport at some point and it sounds like your son feels like now is the time. Respect his decision and help him start getting excited for what’s next!
Hey.
I know you know it’s about your son, and what a good decision he’s made for himself.
But as a fellow soccer parent, I totally understand where you are coming from. People, she has to have space to mourn the end of an era in her life (as well as her son’s).
Very bittersweet.
This is a largely lovely and supportive thread, it’s nice to see. And this is applicable to not just sports: the kid who stops performing in plays or singing in the choir when they go off to college creates the same feeling of loss (ask me how I know).
I was recently onsite for an official visit with my D23 in another sport, and one of the coaches was telling me about how a bunch of new parents showed up for the first competition and were hovering 25 yards from their kids, wondering if they could go talk to them right before it began, until the coaches redirected them somewhere else. Even for families where the kids are continuing their sport, there’s a parental transition: no team manager to carry the cards anymore and (depending on the school, obviously) not as many local games to yell at the referees (don’t yell at the referees).
Yes, yes, yes, @cinnamon1212 !!!, it’s the shared interest. The time in the car. The rituals like the diner on the way home from morning practice. It’s the time in YOUR schedule that you’d cleared for practice, games, and travel that yawns in front of you. It’s the other families that you spend time with, whose kids you’ve gotten to know and love. How can you not feel sad about it ending?
Agree 100%. When a few folks are unreasonably quick on the “it’s not about you” “tough love” trigger… the need to do that with a total stranger who is just expressing some feelings is …about them! If you were pressuring your son to play, that would be one thing. But just feeling sad? That’s allowed, for heaven’s sake!
Out of the all the athletes at the school I work at, the kids who play in college and/or are recruited are a minority. Most athletes at our school DON’T play in college.
I think this is a situation where you have to sit back and let your son do what is best for him. Most people don’t play sports in college and most don’t become professional athletes. And like others have said, I’ve heard of kids who chose schools just so they could play sports and then got injured or burnt out and they were stuck at a school they didn’t like…
That said, it is ok to be sad and a bit disappointed. But you do have to remember it’s your son’s life and dreams and not yours. But again, it is ok to feel sad…
@soccer2024 - while this isn’t sports-related. I have a daughter who was a ballerina for 10 years and quit post-pandemic. I wasn’t expecting my own reaction - we supported her choice, obviously, and it was the right choice for her - but we, her parents, definitely grieved. There’s something very very special about watching your child perform, in any way, and the loss of that experience and source of pride is significant. I hear you and understand!
DS was a pretty good basketball player in high school, a big bruising center for his team. When he was a junior he played in an AAU tournament where Zion Williamson was on one of the teams. We saw Zion score 42 points in one game. It seemed like all the players on the court were NBA quality.
On the way home he said to me, “Dad, I’m not good enough for Division 1. I think I need to concentrate on academics.” I, like OP, was a little sad. It had been so much fun for me. Upon reflection, however, I was proud of his maturity. He quit travel sports and continued to play for his high school team. After the last game his senior year, I asked him if he was sad. He replied, “It’s been a good run, Dad, but I’m ready to move on.”
I applaud OP’s son for his maturity. Please come back in a year or two and tell us how he’s doing.
Your DS will dominate intramural and rec hoops in college, and it will feel so good!
There’s a grieving process of sorts for every athlete and their family when life as a competitive athlete ends, whether that’s after HS, college, or a post-collegiate career.
Part of that process is about you, and that’s totally normal. It’ll be an adjustment for you but you’re right to acknowledge it and give yourself space to grieve and adjust. You’ll find shared interests and activities that take the place of the shared commitment and joy you got from the sport.
Much better for your son to realize now that a small school isn’t for him. He’ll find other pursuits and will be happy.
I like the “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” approach but getting there isn’t always quick or easy. Be kind to yourself as you make your way there.
Well, and the other thing I’ll add is you never know how things will turn out. The end of competitive sports may not mean the end of sports participation. Sometimes a young person’s relationship with their sport changes, but doesn’t necessarily end. My daughter was in a very competitive sport and, during COVID when she wasn’t able to train and compete for an extended period of time due to the lockdown, made the decision to leave competition. I fully supported her decision, although part of me what like, all that time and money spent on her training and for what? Nothing?!?! Seemed like a waste in a way, even if I understood that she had gained a lot of life skills from the sport that would always serve her well: resilience, hard work, leadership, tenacity, etc. But, sheesh, what a huge life change. In part it wasn’t just COVID, though: at the height of her competitive career, she was training upwards of 30 hours a week. That doesn’t leave much time for anything else and after a lifetime of her sport she was ready to try new things and was just starting to discover new things that she loved and wanted to spend more time exploring, which wouldn’t have been possible with continued competitive sport. So she basically quit.
After COVID ended, however, she began coaching her sport in group lessons with younger children and even through a club for people with disabilities. She found she loved teaching others - far more than competing. And she started to love her sport again in a way she hadn’t for a while during the stress of staying competitive. She had found herself a new role in her sport.
Then she started college. She has since joined her college’s club for this sport and has loved being part of the college club team. Not just practicing with them, but she she even participated in her first competition in nearly 4 years and had a great time. So she is now back to competing as part of a college club, which is WAY less intense and WAY more fun for her than her previous competition experience. So once again she has found a new role for herself in sport.
My point is, yes, leaving the competitive track is a huge change, but it can be a positive one overall, and it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship with the sport is over. It may just be changing. And it may be changing for the better, while opening up your time and energy to discover new interests and passions. It’s a hard transition sometimes, but it often ends up being a really positive one.
My son wanted to play college football but choose not to go D3 where he received offers but chose a D1 college he knew he liked better. He is now in his 3rd year and is playing rugby. He loves it. It is a club sport but has a well regarded coach and they are ranked top 15 in the nation. He has found his people and it isn’t as much as a time commitment as football would have been. He is doing well in his classes, joined a fraternity, a business club, plays flag football and slow pitch softball in his spare time. He was recently announced as rugby captain and also received a partial scholarship from the schools rugby foundation. I was sad when he decided not to play football but now realize he was right going to the college he picked and is now living the college dream. it will work out for your son.