Death in the extended family—I’m lost, and I’m not sure what to do next

Applying to College
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Death is, for better or for worse, part of life. But when someone dies, we mourn. We mourn for the spirit, the individual that we no longer can enjoy the presence of.

Three days ago, I lost one of the individuals who sparked my passions for public service, planning, and conservation. This person was my great-aunt. She, along with my great-uncle, worked as a planner for the tri-state region (my great-uncle passed away in March). Although this might seem to have been a distant relationship, I had spent many of my childhood holidays and summer afternoons discussing transportation, infrastructure, public policy, and forestry with them.

(Or, as my seven-year-old self would say, “Trucks, trains, bridges, trees, and the nice people who give “I Voted” stickers.”)

I have interests in various academic disciplines, but both of them sparked my primary passions. Although I got through my great-uncle’s death, this death marks the last door being closed…

Or, in a more optimistic sense, one could see it as a passing of the torch.

With all that being said, I’m not entirely sure how to approach my academics and extracurriculars moving forward. To add to this pressure, memorial services were quickly planned. Thankfully, they were put on this weekend and the next (to avoid school/work), but I usually use the weekends to catch up on school work.

I’ve temporarily shifted most of my extracurricular/leadership work to my peers and sophomores/juniors within the various organizations. However, I can’t just shift my school work to my peers.

My parents have decided not to talk to my guidance counselor, since the death was in the extended family. I’ve gone to teachers myself and discussed the situation. For the most part, I’m not asking for signifiant accommodations. Some were more understanding than others. In AP Lit, I requested a few more days on an essay (it’s drafted, but when can I find the time to finish it?). My teacher said “No. I’m sorry, but death is a fact of life. I’m sorry, but if you turn it in late than I will have to take 50% off (English Dept. Policy). In math, I had unit test the morning I learned of the news. My math teacher generously offered corrections, which I took up her offer on, but they only got my test grade up to a C (highest that corrections can achieve).

In three days, I just saw my 3.78* turn into a (most likely) 3.68. I’m lost on what to do. So far, I have identified three options:

  1. Do nothing. Death is just to a part of life. Work as hard as hard I can to mitigate other drops, and hope that colleges don’t focus too much on the 7th semester GPA.

  2. Talk to my GC. See what we can do. Grades won’t likely change, but at least I can make an academic/college plan.

  3. E-mail admission offices. To be honest, I feel like this option could easily backfire.

*I had strengthened my GPA to a 3.78 from a 3.6 in November.

If you have any advice, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

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I’m very sorry for your loss. I think writing about your aunt and uncle is a healthy way to process your feelings. Unfortunately, there’s very little you can do about past test grades except to soldier on and hope that the strength of your ECs help mitigate the impact on your 7th semester GPA. This is a rite of passage everyone goes through. Don’t let it throw you.

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I am not sure I understand your situation. I am sorry you lost someone you admired and felt close to. But why have you shifted EC responsibilities to peers? Why are you unable to do your school work? Are you feeling paralyzed by the loss? ( I lost my Dad in high school so it isn’t like I don’t understand grief. )

Do you have to travel to the memorial service? Does the memorial service impact time available to do your work in a way that makes assignments impossible? Or are you emotionally unable to work? Have you talked to a counselor at school? That might help.

You seem to have had an unusually close relationship with your great aunt, and that may be hard to understand for some people, because it is not immediate family. That said, unfortunately, this kind of thing is not often accommodated. Believe me, I know. In fact, bereavement leave for those who are working seems woefully inadequate, much of the time.

Do you go to an especially rigorous school? I do think it would be fair to get an extra couple of days considering the Memorial Service.

Can one weekend have that great an impact on your GPA? It sounds to me like you need to talk to the high school counselor or if there isn’t one, maybe find someone in the community. Therapists can be helpful when grief affects functioning. A local hospice may have resources.

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IMO, the most important thing to remember is life goes on, the living keep living, and no matter what happens you will be fine.

In the midst of losing loved ones and The Great College Chase, it might be easy to conflate the grief of loss with the stress of The Great College Chase.

My advice is you shouldn’t worry too much about going from 3.6 to 3.78 to 3.68. Those are relatively minor fluctuations. If you end up with a 3.6 or a 3.8 or whatever, that will be an accurate representation of your 4-yr HS performance, and none of those is bad.

Just as, after your uncle’s passing, you grieved then continued to achieve, please realize you will resume your achieving after your grieve for your aunt. Now is for grieving … you do your schoolwork as best you can, but you shouldn’t overly worry about not getting A’s during this time. We’re human, and sometimes what happens on one corner of our lives affects what goes on in another corner. It happens, and will happen in your future too. If your academic performance drops for a couple of weeks, so be it. Don’t pile extra stress over TGCS on yourself on top of your grief. Whatever you do over the next week or two will not have a significant effect on your 4yr GPA.

I’m sorry for your loss.

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I agree with the last part of your option #3 that using the death of an extended family member as an excuse for a slight decrease in your high school GPA could backfire on you.

Your post prompts thoughts of others who endured much more without using the events as an excuse.

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@publisher
@compmom
@EconPop

After I wrote this post, I got some much needed sleep.

Now that I have a clearer head, I think I have more of a plan. I’ll reach out to my my old therapist and at least try to schedule to a session or two. I’ll also schedule an appointment with my GC, and talk through some solutions.

Yes, the grief hit me hard, but I think it was more of a shock. In the next two or three days, I might not feel anywhere near what I felt over the past few days. Like I said, death is a part of life. It happens.

Once I get over this initial shock, I think things will (hopefully) start to shift upwards again. Thanks for the responses.

And yes, grade-wise, I’ll be relatively OK in the long run.

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I’m sorry to learn of this sad news. There is no harm and possibly great benefit in talking to a mental health professional so I suggest you set up and appointment asap.

Your points 1 and 2 are good ideas. Yes to both.

No to 3, and I think you know that. To play devil’s advocate, college admissions officers have read everything under the sun: Loss of loved ones, loss of pets, instability, terrible home life, medical issues, mental health issues, and some truly heartbreaking and disturbing personal circumstances. Things so profoundly tragic that they sometimes have to stop reading.

The loss of your great aunt is a personal tragedy, but if you mention to AO’s that it’s affected your GPA in a few days, that is going to come across as sounding very petty and also raise a red flag. They can’t admit people because they feel sorry for them. A HUGE a number of students have tragedies in their lives. They want kids who can forge ahead, despite the tragedies. Why?

You’re going to go to college, where you will be plunged into a very different environment. You will have a new room, bed, food, faces, and none of the home comforts. There will be much higher expectations from professors than you had in high school. They like resiliency because they know that some students will have a difficult time coping with all the changes. Some students won’t be able to cope. They will leave. Colleges want students who will stay. So don’t give them reasons to say no to you.

Grieve your aunt, because that’s part of the process of healing. Make a bit of an extra effort to stay on top of your school work and your activities. You will get through this time.

P.S.
It seems you were pretty close to your great aunt, but many schools have rules about students taking time off only for immediate family members. I’m sure your teacher wasn’t trying to be unfeeling, but probably felt her hands were tied by rules.

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You write extremely well. That, plus your good grades (whatever the GPA ends up being) means you will be fine for college applications. Make sure you have some safety schools you like, along with the match/reach ones-- which is advice we give everyone. Your college outcomes will work out!

Good job on reaching out to your therapist, support is always a good thing.

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Sorry for your loss. Regardless of being a close or distant relative, if you lose someone close to you it hurts.

The only thing I can say is….make them proud. Take the passion and path they gave you and become the best public planning employee you can be. There’s many an urban planning, env science or public policy program out there.

Find one that fits you and continue their legacy. Good luck.

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