Deep depression – Should I take a semester off?

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hi all,

I am a rising junior at a top-5 LAC, and I am debating whether or not I should take time off from school. I’m experiencing the worst depression of my life, and I’m terrified of being too low to function when I return to campus. I have a week and a half until I return to school. I have up until the day before classes to decide whether I will return. Please excuse the ranty nature of this message; bear with me as I try to be as brief as possible.

To say the least, my experience at school has been nightmarish. Perhaps what is hardest is that I haven’t found my people; I have a few acquaintances with whom I’ve struggled to connect. My roommate situations during both years (different people) were toxic, which only made me feel inferior and unworthy. Extreme stress and isolation led me to drink to excess my freshman year. This led to sexual assault on two occasions, a hospital visit, and endless shame that I can’t seem to shake. This year, I took a break from alcohol but made no close friends. I constantly eat meals alone, which is basically taboo at my school. I spend an unhealthy amount of time alone, despite efforts to meet more people. It drives me crazy. At this point, I feel like social circles have solidified, and I’m just out of luck.

Academics aren’t much better than my social life. I decided to change my major from physics to economics sophomore year due to a growing lack of interest in physics (which I loved in high school) and shame surrounding my assault (my assailant was my physics TA). Now, I’ve become disillusioned with my new major, which is chock full of people who are in it because it’s (more or less) a pipeline to finance. My coursework feels like nothing more than a chore. I have a 3.74 GPA, but I feel that is not competitive.

Moreover, due to low self esteem, I secured two crappy internships (unrelated to my major) over the past two summers just for the sake of having them. Now I’m afraid these experiences will hurt my resume more than anything. Strong job prospects don’t seem to be on the horizon either.

Ultimately, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and I feel purposeless and incredibly lonely. My self-confidence continues to plummet. I need help, but I fear that taking time off will derail my academic (and professional) career and lead to even deeper depression. I have no plans lined up for what I would do during my semester off, but I am absolutely dreading going back to campus. I constantly feel sick now just thinking about my future–I keep shaking and crying. I don’t want my parents to blow thousands of dollars for me to be somewhere where I’m regressing in every sense of the word. But I also don’t want to be a deadbeat burnout, sitting out the semester.

If you have any suggestions/insights, I would love to hear them. Any ideas are welcome.

2

I am no expert with depression but some questions/comments:

Have you been going to counseling, talked to somebody about your depression, feelings of anxiety going back to school, suicidal thoughts? If not, please do ASAP.

Have you talked to your family about your struggles and how you are feeling?

A 3.74 GPA is great, especially for a top 5 LAC and for someone who has been less than happy and had some serious difficulties the past 2 years. Pat yourself on the back for that. Seriously.

As far as your two internships, you have work experience and something to put on a resume. Again, these are GOOD things!

Life isn’t a race. We don’t have to follow lockstep - high school, four years of college, career, etc. It’s okay to get off the hamster wheel, reassess one’s path, take care of your mental health. Your physical and mental well-being and happiness should take precedence.

Again, no expert here but be good to yourself and patient with yourself. If you decide to take some time off from school, college and then a career will be there waiting for you. Colleges are very good about allowing students to take a semester or longer off.

Hugs.

3

Hugs to you. I have two kids who have struggled with depression and anxiety.

If you were my S or D, I’d say focus on your health. Take time off to treat your depresssion. You have lots and lots of time to finish school and build a career. Find a therapist and explore your options in terms of therapy. Find a doctor and see if meds might help. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

4

I would say that you should talk to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist asap. Tell your parents you feel suicidal.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you need to.
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

5

I agree with @svlab112 that you should indeed take some time off so that you can get your mental health in order. Since you are a rising junior, I think it would be a mistake to continue in your situation, both from a mental health point of view, but also from an academic point of view given your uncertainty about majors. It’s not a race and getting it right is more important than getting it done. Good luck.

6

You should not only take a semester off, but also consider transfer to other comparable schools after you resume your study. Your description of that school scene is not healthy for you, lonely, hurt, fear, so why go back to torture yourself. A new beginning somewhere might change that. Also your parents’ biggest loss would be you, not the money already spent on your tuition; those are sunk cost, as you should know from your Economy classes. Their best return would be you to take time to heal, to get health, and to be happy again, as most parents would do.

Finance seems a chore to you, yet you still can maintain a good GPA; that means you have knack in it. Maybe it is the other factors that you are in that drawn out all your energy. Maybe after you taking the break you will find your liking in it. Anyway, it only two more years, then you get something to fall back on and can provide you means to move to other fields in graduate schools.

You are too young to think about your current situation would ruin your career. Just take a break, clear your head, and restore your courage, and come back as wiser and stronger. There would others some days in your current shoes, and you would have the compassion and know how to help them. It could be a blessing in disguise, you just need to hanging there.

7

Many of us on this board have kids who have been in the same position as you, for one reason or another. I highly recommend taking a leave of absence (can be a medical leave, if you want, which often means going through some hooops to get back in). See a psychiatrist for meds and a therapist. You can no doubt find a job or volunteer position or internship to do while you are out. Some I know have dealt with depression with a wilderness experience,like National Outdoor Leadership School, once they are on the road to recovery.

You have completed two years which can also be a natural stopping point to reassess your path. There really is no hurry. The majority of college students are “non-traditional.” You have the option of transferring, or doing a couple of classes and working (extension, continuing ed, online, adult learner programs etc.) There are many ways to do this.

When your depression is treated, you may find that the current school works better for you than it has so far. You may regain interest in various subjects. Make sure to connect with adequate support if you do return, and do activities that engage you.

Sometimes experiences like this have unexpected benefits in the long run but right now you are suffering.

This CAN turn around so don’t despair. If you need help more urgently, please go an ER.

8

My heart goes out to you!!! Where are your parents in this? Are they helpful? If so, go give them a hug and ask for their help in getting the help you need! ASAP!! Please get help. Once your mental health is improved in a few weeks, months or semesters, you can assess your situation, find a new school or whatever situation works best for you. I would suggest calling your Dean of Students and finding out about a medical leave. That way, they will hold your spot and you will be in good standing. You can return or transfer later. Start gathering information today so you can start making decisions. I will be thinking of you. Now go take care of yourself!

9

Have you sought any kind of mental health help at all yet, in your home town or via your school counseling center? This is too much to carry alone. What do your parents know and understand of what you are going through?

I think taking a leave of absence and taking care of your health would be best, and I agree with those saying you should consider transferring schools as well. How many places and situations on campus trigger anxiety for you? It may be healthier just to go elsewhere.

Don’t worry about not having a fancy “gap year plan” at the moment. Instead, use your time to find mental health counseling, explore careers and consider your life path options, work at a low stress job to keep your day a bit busy, and just let yourself breathe a bit.

10

Honestly only a professional will know what is best. Try to treat what’s happening ASAP and I promise your life will not be destroyed by wheatever decision you make <3