University Admissions Appeals Committee
Office of Admissions
San Diego State University
5500 Campanile Drive
San Diego, CA 92182-7455
Dear Admissions Committee,
I’m writing to appeal my rejection from San Diego State University for Computer Science. This is my first choice in colleges and has been a dream of mine to attend here. I would like to formally ask you to review my chance at attending San Diego State University and see that my grades do not reflect my performance and diversity that I could bring to San Diego State University. I would like to show you that I am more than willing and capable to take advantage of SDSU’s wonderful opportunities. I also would like to ask you to learn about my life experiences, hardships and values that will add to making SDSU a diverse and educational campus for all attending.
My Junior year of High School I was dealing with losing my Grandfather over the course of the whole year. It started in September when he fill and broke his hip, he was going through surgeries at the hospital and was sent to a nursing home to spend most of his time. I have never experienced something like this. My Grandfather, GRANPAS NAME, was an amazing person who raised me for most of my life as I had a different living situation then most. My Grandfather remained in the nursing home where he became weak and very fragile. He was under 60LBS. Seeing him like that, on top of everything I saw him go through before was very hard on me. I was unable to focus in school despite trying hard. There was too much on my mind. I didn’t expect my Grandfather to pass, but everyone else was aware that he was. This also added to a very stressful time. It also gave me a regret. A huge regret and burden that was hard to carry for the rest of the year. I HAD the opportunity to see my grandfather on my birthday. I should have gone and saw him. But I didn’t since I was scared to see him in that state knowing he would soon be gone and that was the night he passed. This kept my depression going throughout the school year. The funeral/celebration of life ceremony was in May. After May I slowly reconciled with the fact he was gone and that is how life works.
Junior year was a struggle with such a big Family Crisis. My grades suffered that whole year (September-May). It was a huge learning experience and has helped me gain insight and learn many values such as honor and integrity. I am encouraging you to look at my grades prior to Junior year and please look at my grades from Senior Year that are on the transcript being send via my High School. I am very capable of meeting if not exceeding SDSU’s expectations if given the chance of acceptance. Please get my Family Crisis that occurred during Junior year to understand why my grades are much lower that year then the rest.
Thank you for your time,
My Name
MY PORTAL ID
PHONE NUMBER
MY EMAIL
This looks like a first draft. It needs to be better organized and less whiney. It would really help if proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation were employed.
It seems a little long.
Perhaps coming from a guidance counselor would be more effective.
It needs to be new information.
Do the work for them. Do NOT tell them to look at your transcript- paint the picture yourself: Freshman year my GPA was x.xx; Sophomore year it was x.xx (for a cumulative of y.yy at the end of sophomore year). Junior year, the year of our difficulties, my GPA plunged to x.xx, dropping my cumulative GPA to y.yy. By senior year, I was back in balance, and my senior year GPA was x.xx; yet my cumulative was bogged down by junior year.
The whole first paragraph is trite and unsupported. Maybe lead off with the final paragraph?
DO NOT send this until it is tightened up, or at least the sentence structure, grammar, capitalization, punctuation, etc. are corrected to conform to standards. It will only work against you.
The only reason they would reverse their decision is because of NEW information they were not aware of at the time of application.
Good luck.
Oh, and we are in 2015 (not 2014) already. Can you believe it!
Was your grandfather your primary caretaker? If so, you need to say so up front in your 2nd paragraph. That is something of greater import if your primary caretaker is in that situation.
Agree with itsjustschool in general, but in particular you should definitely cut back on the first paragraph. Perhaps make it just the first and last sentence of the first paragraph and remove the middle bits.
Also, consider splitting the 2nd paragraph into 2; one paragraph for “backstory” (until before “After May I slowly reconciled with the fact he was gone and that is how life works.”) and then a second one for why you think specifically you should have a second shot, how you’ve coped and recovered to an extent since then. This will make your letter more organized, easier to read
In general, you should work on making your letter more succinct and polished, eg 60LBS should be “Sixty pounds”, (September-May) is using the incorrect dash (or just use “to”), “Family Crisis” shouldn’t be both capitalized, “HAD” – don’t use all caps in a formal letter (italics is okay), etc
Thank you for your replies. I will tighten up the appeal today and post my second copy. I really appreciate everyone’s help.
My grandfather was my primary caretaker until age eight. Due to him and my grandmother aging I was placed under guardianship of my uncle. My Mother and Father are still alive, I just don’t live with them due to some very poor life choices they have made.
I’ll agree with everyone else-- you REALLY need to proofread this.
Second, don’t talk about all you’ll get from the school. They know they’re a good school, with lots to offer anyone who is accepted. That’s not a convincing argument for accepting you.
Third: I think you should focus on what specific steps you’ve taken to improve your grades. Let them know that your Junior year was a fluke, that as a Senior, you’ve taken specific steps to catch up on all you didn’t learn Junior year.
Next, I agree-- you talk a LOT about your grandfather. They don’t need the specifics of his struggle. Make this about YOU, not HIM.
Finally, are you positive that it’s that one year’s worth of grades that are keeping you out? How are your SAT scores? What was your GPA at the end of Sophomore year? What activities do you have leadership in? If I was trying to make a case for admission, I would concentrate more on the reasons I was a good candidate as opposed to harping on the one thing I think held me back. Make this letter about why they should want you.
Okay I have edited my appeal very well. It’s on it’s way along with all the other required items. Thanks everyone for offering me feedback. Hopefully it helps me is my academic pursuit at SDSU.
You shouldn’t write in the passive voice, it makes your story sound less clear. For example, instead of saying “My junior year of high school I was dealing with losing my grandfather”, say “During my junior year of high school, I had to deal with the loss of my grandfather”