Depressed and need help: parents

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>I've got a serious question to ask and I wanted to know what parents/adults think about this personal issue.</p>

<p>So I'm a senior in high school, 4.0 student. I have many goals that I set for myself, such as running a NPO (my own inspiration not parents), running a club (president), and swimming etc and at every step of the way, my parents are not satisfied. I got 2 B's in latin last week, (even though I still have As) and they freak out, yelling, screaming, and making family life terrible. It's the only thing we talk about at breakfast/dinner etc. I hate it. And it's not just grades, but also SATs and ACTs. I have a 2340 (superscore) and a 35, but they still complain with equal vigor and hate about how I can't be perfect (and yes I'm asian). </p>

<p>But I've held firm, trying to ignore their hateful and hurtful thoughts, but it only gets worse. My parents have gone to the point where they say if I don't follow their advice, they will cut off connections, personally and financially. I just want to get a break, follow my dreams, and succeed! Why can't they see I'm my own person? Am I wrong in trying to assert myself? So far given my scores and school, I think I have the ability already.</p>

<p>Please let me know what you think. I get depressed when I think about this and I don't know what to do...</p>

2

<p>It’ll be OK. Your parents are seriously over-reacting (as per your assumption). The will be plenty of 4.0 students who get rejected at top schools. And these same schools will accept plenty of students with less than 4.0 GPA. I’m a 25 year interviewer/recruiter for an HYP, Asian too. Top american colleges do not care if applicants are perfect. (top Asian colleges do however- - thus their reaction). Tell them I told you to tell them so.</p>

<p>You’ll get thru this – just remember this when it’s your turn to guide your kids. They want what’s best for you and are advising you based on their knowledge and assumptions. The whole “I’ll cut you off” thing is tossed out appallingly regularly in Asian families, it seems. Grin and bear it. My sympahthies to you. Remember, you’re more than your academic stats, your job, your eventual bank account. I’ve tried to instill this in my kids because I’ve had the luxury of growing up here.</p>

3

<p>This thread can show you what’s driving your parents’ over reaction:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1572475-bbc-education-fever-asia.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1572475-bbc-education-fever-asia.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

4

<p>Of course from the perspective of outsiders it seems crazy, but that is not very helpful. Your best bet for support is other Asian students that are experiencing similar stress. I assume your parents will only listen to advice from other Asian adults, so is there someone close to your parents that is a little less high strung that you could go to for support and ask to run interference for you? Bottom line is that they probably aren’t going to change, and you are dependent on them financially to get through college unless you seriously are at a point where you want to cut ties with them and attempt to finance your own education. Are you willing to do that? If not, then you will just have to cope by finding a “child of stereotypical Asian parents” support group. Hugs and good luck.</p>

5

<p>You are doing well to ignore them. But if they continue to rant about cutting you off, call their bluff. Say, “okay, cut me off because obviously I can’t rise to your experience in attending an American college”. As Asian parents, don’t you think they’re comparing you to their friends children constantly?
Latin is a hard course. Don’t argue with them, since that just gives them a chance to transfer their anxiety to you. So tell them they need to find a latin tutor for you (a really hard thing to find) and have them pay $100 per hour.</p>

6

<p>I am so sorry for your hurt. There is no easy answer, you really are in a tough spot. You are not fighting against “terrible” parents. You are up against an entire culture that pressures its youth to be “perfect”. </p>

<p>As a non-Asian, I too got pressure to get all A’s, but as I am learning, my pressures were nothing in comparison. </p>

<p>This is a safe place to vent, and I’m glad you are reaching out. Is there a trusted adult in your life at school, church, or at an EC that you can talk with? You are doing everything right, and yet your parents are constantly berating you. Your home life is probably not going to change. The only thing you can change is your reaction, your response to their yelling. You can try not responding at all, respond with a simple phrase “You are right” and then try not to speak more of it. Are there other Asian students in your social circle that are struggling with the same issue? Maybe they could be of help with practical ways to navigate your parents’ pressures.</p>

<p>At least you are a senior, and hopefully you can go away to college and have some distance from their constant berating. Best wishes to you as you finish strong!</p>

<p>Latin 2 got the best of my daughter, she got her only “B” in that class. And we were all thrilled with the B, it could have been worse.</p>

7

<p>You are a child to be proud of. Your parents are foolish not to see it. Just wanted to give you some validation. Parents don’t always appreciate their kids. </p>

<p>Okay, so what now? I do think you could find some solace commiserating with other kids in your situation. Any friends from school in the same situation? Church? Online forums? You aren’t alone. </p>

<p>You are a senior, so almost free. I say “free”: you could choose to be free of your parents’ meddling if you use your outstanding grades and test scores to obtain a full ride somewhere. If they are not paying for your education, you can follow your heart. Now the scholarship may not be at your first choice school, so you would have to think what matters more to you, your freedom or going to Expensive Elite College.</p>

8

<p>This is why the “It’s harder for Asian” mentality is hurtful. Right or wrong the paranoia to do well is destroying the family.</p>

9

<p>I really suggest a therapist for this situation. Even though you may not be the cause, it may be that you have to get a therapist or counselor, yourself, and then invite your parents. You may be able to do this through your school. </p>

<p>Your parents also do not understand admissions to top colleges. Ivy League schools, for instance, don’t care if you get a 730 or a 780. It doesn’t work like that. (Not that admission to top schools should even be the priority: the priority should be finding a school and path that work for you.)</p>

10

<p>Hi Journey,</p>

<p>I am not a psychologist, but I will try to help you here.</p>

<p>I understand what you are going through. There are two ways to go about this situation. The first is to just put up with it until you go to college. By that point, I hope that your parents will get off your case. The second is to stand up to them and tell them that although their intent is to try and push you to reach your potential, what they are doing instead is psychologically harming you. I don’t think the second approach will work, but it’s worth a shot.</p>

<p>The truth is that they believe in their heart of hearts that this is the way to raise a child. They may be right, but the real question to ask is what do they want to raise you to become? If it is to get into HYPS then maybe they are correct (if indeed you get accepted to those schools.) If their dream is to have you become a mature, emotionally and mentally stable individual, then their parenting style appears that it will only cause low self-esteem and depression.</p>

<p>I know many kids who end up succeeding (academically or in whatever area) with both kinds of parenting styles (the easygoing, encouraging type v. the hyperparenting, pushy type), but only the encouraging type has led to long-lasting relationships between parent and child. That child still loves to be around their mother and father - to talk with them and share with them what is going on in their lives. However, in the overly controlling style, I see so many kids who grow up emotionally and physically distancing themselves from their parents. If you think about it, who wants to be around parents who are going to get angry at you every time you do something good?</p>

<p>When I started this reply, I said I understood what you were going through. That’s because I was an Asian student and now I’m an Asian parent. Although, my parents had different goals for me, I remember so distinctly anger (in my parents and in me) being a prevalent theme in the house. Somehow someway, this anger has to be diminished. I’m sure you probably yelled at them too, but I don’t blame you for it because you probably reacted to something they said or did.</p>

<p>One last note, and please excuse me for generalizing, but it seems that among the Asians (at least the ones I know) there seems to be an obsession with brand names that borderlines a serious anxiety disorder. They love the HYPS name. I myself am a victim of that in many ways as I am trying to raise my own child. </p>

<p>I bring this up because I wonder if you were to get a 4.0 GPA, perfect SAT scores, and amazing everything, but get accepted into a local state school (not prestigious) while passing on HYPS, would your parents still be proud of you? I am talking about you choosing to go to this less-prestigious school because you did the research and felt it was the best fit. Would your parents support you then? If not, then I think that kind proves my point about these kinds of parents.</p>

<p>I hope this helped, and if I was way off then apologies. I wish you the best and please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help your cause. For what it’s worth, you appear to be doing a great job. You have excellent marks in class, amazing SAT scores, and it looks like you’ll have plenty of options in life. I hope you can get through this challenge and come away happy instead of angry and resentful.</p>

11

<p>Tell them you will remember when you will have to pick their retirement home. Two can play this game.</p>

12

<p>@xiggi. Haha and ouch!</p>

<p>But there is truth to that. IMO I think that parents who are constantly disapproving, angry, and controlling tend to see those same patterns showing up in their own children. It’s shown on the way their children are raising their grandchildren, and it’s also shown in the way that they are being treated by their own kids.</p>

<p>It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in family therapy counseling to know that there is a big difference in mental health between children raised by encouraging, loving parents v. those raised by overly-controlling, disapproving ones.</p>

13

<p>You’ve had some excellent advice, but I’d like to add some in favor of your parents- not necessarily to agree with what they say to you, but to reframe this behavior in context of their culture. Most parents love their children and do the best they can with what they know how to do. Many of us are influenced by how we were raised. Senior year is stressful and competition for top schools is high. If you think about how they are behaving, it’s because they care about you and want to see you succeed.</p>

<p>Where they are way off is what they say to you. You are a success, and statistically speaking, your grades and scores are equivalent to perfect. They are quite above the 99%. While admission to a top university is never guaranteed, your chances of admission are as good as any other top applicant. However, like all students, I hope you are applying to a range of schools.</p>

<p>While it is great to attend a top school if that is what you want, you are not going to be a failure if you don’t attend one. There are excellent students in almost every college, and many paths to success.</p>

<p>Perhaps there will be a way to compromise between their dreams and yours. Wherever you go, there will be a variety of majors and areas of study. A compromise might be a double major, or changing your major along the way. A year from now, you will be out of the house, and have much more freedom than you have now. You will develop new interests. Your parents will need to adjust to your gaining maturity over time. It’s a growing period for them as well.</p>

<p>Not all cultures grant their youth the freedom American youth have. Some still have arranged marriages and other customs that would send a kid in the US running out the door. You may be more Americanized than your parents. It’s hard to realize that parents aren’t perfect- none of us are- we make mistakes, but most of us do the best we can. You can respect them without letting their words define who you are. Part of being an adult is that you get to define who you are. Know that sometimes people say things in stress that they don’t mean. You are a success, and you are capable of succeeding in the future, but you will be the determination of what that success is.</p>

<p>You can’t control how they react, but you, as a young adult, can control how you behave towards them, and continue to take steps towards your future, which is going to be in your very capable hands very soon. I second the advice given for counseling, so that you have some support along the way and help with depression.</p>

14

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<p>If you get a full ride merit scholarship, that will greatly diminish their financial leverage against you in terms of college.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-20.html#post16451378[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-20.html#post16451378&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1461983-competitive-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-4.html#post16224918[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1461983-competitive-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-4.html#post16224918&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/national-merit-scholarships/649276-nmf-scholarships-updated-compilation-56.html#post16465904[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/national-merit-scholarships/649276-nmf-scholarships-updated-compilation-56.html#post16465904&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>The threat to disown you is potentially greater, though. But the constant stream of abuse that you describe makes your family sound quite dysfunctional. Most families, including most Asian families in the US, are not like this.</p>

15

<p>^^^</p>

<p>Of course not. Only the Ivy League and similar schools obsessed ones. Only the ones who equate the pursuit of academic excellence to a path to financial nirvana. And the others just do not have kids who can score high enough.</p>

16

<p>I am not Asian, but lived many years with Asian friends, a few of whom went through what you are going through, although most not to that extreme (but some, for sure). I have seen various scenarios arise, even to the point of a brilliant pianist getting music college applications at her piano teacher’s house because her parents insisted she become a pharmacist.</p>

<p>If you can apply to state schools that will give you full rides where you can live away from home, I recommend applying for them. My daughter has a scholarship like this; she only needs to buy books and a few other things. Her SATs weren’t as strong as yours, either, but she didn’t worry about getting into Ivies–actually, she refused to apply to them as she knows plenty of high scoring teens who are rejected by them. </p>

<p>There are other schools with full rides, too, and some scholarships are first come, first served. Some of the sister colleges are very generous, but it might be based on your parents income; I can’t remember now as she didn’t want to go to an all women’s college. My daughter received an application based scholarship (she was offered others, but this was the only one that covered tuition, fees, room & board) that was first come, first served. All she needed was to be in the top 5 percent of her class & to have a combined score of at least 1400 on the 2 traditional portions of the SAT with superscoring. We did a lot of checking around.</p>

<p>For the record, my cousin’s parents didn’t pay a nickel of her college because she refused to go to the school they wanted her to attend, but she managed & they still spoke to her, but didn’t threaten to cut off all communication, either. We’re not I always hate it when parents do that, but once you’re a legal adult, it really is up to you.</p>

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<p>You have a chance of being accepted into a great college, but also know that if things don’t work out, you could take a gap year, and re apply as a freshmen to some of the competitive/automatic merit aid schools mentioned here. There is still time to apply to some of them now, and if the threat of disownment is serious, it’s a good idea to have this option.
I know of one student- not Asian- whose family did not pay for the college she wanted to go to, so she did it on her own. It wasn’t easy, but she did it. Fortunately, I think this is rare. However, whoever pays for college does have some interest in it. I think even the most lenient parents would have some requirements-wanting minimal grades and at least a reasonable area of study. Hopefully you and your parents can work it out. Most colleges have broad general education requirements so you can take a wide range of subjects, and the subjects your parents are interested in could be part of the gen ed requirements or a double major. A gifted musician would need a more specific path, but some subjects can be studied together.</p>

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<p>If the parents are as abusive as the OP describes, a gap year after being shut out would be seen as an ultimate failure, resulting in a year of heavy abuse or disownment. Better to include at least one automatic full ride and several competitive full rides in the application list, in order to have an option to get away from the abusive parents.</p>

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<p>Yes, in the case of abuse, that gap year would need to be away from home in some way, if at all possible. I mention this only because some scholarships have early deadlines. However, I agree with the advice to apply to the ones that are open.
I just really hope, for the OP’s sake, that the parents’ threats of disownment are a result of anxiety, and that they would not act on them, but agree with advice to be proactive in case they might do that.
There is still the chance that he is accepted into a college that all are happy with, but yes, best to be prepared.</p>