<p>oregon101, don’t let other’s opinions and labels keep you from doing what you truly believe is the best for your child. As you know, students suffering from depression and other mental illnesses do not always behave in rational ways that will help them to get better. If they have a sore throat they think it’s ok to go to a doctor, but when they’re depressed they think they need to “suck it up” and deal with it by themselves. As for your husband, you know that denial is a powerful thing. No one wants to think their child has a mental illness. I think letting people in a position to keep an eye on your son and help him know what is going on was absolutely the right thing to do. Maybe he’ll listen to them, even if he doesn’t want to listen to mom. {{hugs}} to you.</p>
<p>Oregon 101, I am surprised that the dean talked with you without your son’s permission, or that the counseling office would take your call. My kids would see actions such as these as major intrusions. Their schools, or counseling office, or health center, would not speak with me (though legally I believe they can listen).</p>
<p>If you son is willing to sign releases, then the college can communicate with you. But if you do things like calling without his permission, it is doubtful he will ever do that.</p>
<p>It is certainly understandable, and believe me, I am not judging what you did, not at all, and it may help in the short term. But for the long term, it is better to work with your son and help him come to the realization that he should call, himself.</p>
<p>Denial is different from impairment. Generally, people have a right to some denial, which often leads to insight eventually, and authentic action to get help. But impairment, such as depression too deep to allow such action on one’s own behalf, would require actions such as yours.</p>
<p>Thanks Laf for the support.
compmom–professionals can always listen. What we cannot do is share any information at all about a client without specific written releases. As neither the Counselor or the Dean know my S they could not have talked about him anyway. They, as well as myself, talked about the fact that if they did work with my S they would not give me information unless S signed the appropriate releases. Which I feel no need to ask for anyway.
Doctors, nurses and therapists can alway accept information --they cannot give any out without the appropriate release. As a therapist I do ask that the caller tells the person that they are concerned about that they did call me–it is just good practice that there is not a triangle. My S knew I was making these calls.</p>
<p>One more thought–the Counseling Dept. can reach out to a student but they cannot make a student visit them. An Acedemic Dean can simply say “I want to meet with you to discuss your schedule” (which is a major part of S’s problem).</p>
<p>Yes, I wrote that school personnel/counselors can listen, but not talk, with a parent.</p>
<p>Even when my daughter had a dangerous health crisis and ended up in the hospital, they could not tell me anything, but it was then okay for me to e-mail the dean to tell him she was not going to be in class for a couple of days. However, I am careful to say that I am stepping out of the matter and my daughter will resume communication as soon as she can.</p>
<p>I think you are truly risking a situation in which your son won’t tell you anything. I also think it is a problem when he says he didn’t make the call, because he knew you would do it. This is classic passive aggressive behavior: making you take the responsibility and then blaming you for doing so.</p>
<p>Do you have tuition refund insurance? This type of insurance is helpful in allowing us parents to keep hands off when appropriate.</p>
<p>Is it possible that the “situational depression” is telling your son that he is not in the right place at the right time? Is it resolvable while he stays in place? Would a leave be helpful? Perhaps looking at alternatives will help keep the dialogue going and keep control of the situation in his hands.</p>
<p>Oregon101–</p>
<p>This is why I hate the term helicopter parent. If you know your kid is in actual trouble, you are not being a helicopter parent to try to get them help! I’m glad you are watching this, but I hope you will also give yourself a break.</p>
<p>As you know, you can only do what you can do, and then it’s out of your hands.</p>
<p>Good luck. I hope it rights itself soon.</p>
<p>Of course, now S sounds fine and, while making a meeting with the Dean to go over his schedule, it is clear that he has made some decisions about his classes/workload for himself.
There is research that shows that once a patient has made an appointment that they improve. This is expecially true with couple counseling. I think that once S understood that others are concerned he became aware of his own responsibility.
In any event, I will see him this weekend and we will talk. I have made exactly one call in the last 10 years like this. It was not an easy decision but am grateful that the people on the other side of the phone treated me with respect. And have reached out to S. And, yes, now it is in S’s court.
When I work with parents and children I say to the parent “you know this child better than anyone else in the world” and try very hard to listen to how they think their child walks in the world. And then we work together. Of course, I was trained before “helocopter” parenting was an issue.</p>
<p>Goodness, it turns out S has something medically going on–many labs and test going on now. His mood has completely recovered and he did follow through with meeting with the Dean and has decided to drop one class. All I can say is that sometimes, and in this case, it seems that things need to escalate in order to start sorting things out.
S was initally unhappy that I made the calls but now is relieved. His health problems are real but not yet diagnosed. Just glad to have learned this before things spiraled.
S also had a very positive visit with the Dean and now has someone he will talk with if needed in the future.</p>
<p>oregon, not glad to hear your S is sick but glad to hear there was some medical basis for his problems. </p>
<p>
That is excellent news!!</p>
<p>Following your gut paid off. That’s why we moms have instincts!</p>
<p>My daughter has been crashing and burning, and I have felt utterly frustrated by being cut out of the process of supporting her. </p>
<p>In her sophomore year, she was finally contacted by her long absent father, and they connected via Facebook. Sometime thereafter, one of his high school friends asked her to look into his absence online. She contacted the sheriffs office where he lived, alone after the recent death of his wife. They found his decomposing body at the house, and then it was all on her, a teenager, to deal with the aftermath. </p>
<p>My daughter didn’t even think to tell the instructor who lowered her grade because of absences from class. She would not get counseling at the student health center because she “wasn’t crazy.” She lost one of her scholarships due to a drop in grades. Her “no excuses” thinking prevented her from asking for help.</p>
<p>Now, more than a year later, she has hit bottom and has agreed to get some help. </p>
<p>I hope your daughter is doing well.now, and I hope the system will be improved so that this does not happen to so many families.</p>
<p>This is a very interesting thread, and I am hoping that people will continue to contribute their thoughts on this subject.</p>
<p>So, bump!</p>
<p>I don’t know how many people know of these, but some people are getting a Pyschiatric Advance Directives so that they can look after a sick family member who is unable to care for themselves. The PAD is a legal document signed by the person who is depressive (or bipolar or schizophrenic or whatever) when they are healthy and “in their right mind” and which authorizes someone else, like parents or siblings, to do what is necessary to restore them to health if they have an episode and are unable to care for themselves. With a PAD a parent, say, could force the depressed child into treatment or the schizophrenic take his meds, because they’ve already been legally authorized to do so. </p>
<p>I have never known anyone who has actually used one and I understand they are still controversial. But I suspect that the idea, based on advanced directives for end of life, is catching on as people become more open about mental illness and families struggle with how to deal with a child who skips his meds or relapses into mental illness and can’t deal with it him/herself. How it might work at college I don’t know, but for folks who need it and can arrange one, it might be worth looking into. </p>
<p>From this site at the Natl. Alliance on Mental Illness ([NAMI</a> | Advance Directives](<a href=“http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Legal/Advance_Directives.htm]NAMI”>http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Legal/Advance_Directives.htm)) is a list of the state where the PAD is available—“Laws specifically authorizing psychiatric advance directives have been enacted in twelve states. The first law authorizing psychiatric advance directives was enacted in Minnesota in 1991. Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Maine, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas and Utah have since followed suit. All of these laws establish the right of persons with mental illnesses to write directives, when competent, indicating their wishes concerning acceptance or refusal of psychiatric treatment. Some of these laws (e.g. Alaska and Oregon) apply only to written declarations concerning inpatient psychiatric treatment, psychotropic medications, and ECT. Others apply more generally to all forms of psychiatric treatment.”</p>
<p>If any of you are interested in the perspective of a student about college:
[Mind</a> of the Modern Renaissance Man](<a href=“http://ucbeconstudent.blogspot.com/]Mind”>http://ucbeconstudent.blogspot.com/)</p>
<p>I had to get it out there. I’m probably on the verge of depression, so I wrote down my thoughts about school and life in general, and I feel better. I feel like my thoughts also exemplify the feelings of many other college students.</p>
<p>Feel free to comment.</p>
<p>I’m reading these stories on this thread about students who had to been withdrawn from school because of their depression, and to be honest, I’m a little freaked out. I’m a sophomore in high school who has been suffering from manic depression since the summer going into 6th grade. Right now I’m going through a depressive episode that has lasted about a week so far, and I could barely find the motivation to do my Geometry project tonight (and I’m usually very motivated in that class because I have a B/B+ and I’m trying to raise it up).</p>