Destroy My Common App Essay

College Essays
1

<p>I do not particularly like my common app essay, but I have no idea what to do instead. Please critique it as hard as you can and hopefully I will figure out how to polish this turd.</p>

<p>Why Talk When You Can Argue?</p>

<p>My best friend is named Joe. We are friends for many reasons, but most importantly, he shares my curiosity. We talk of many things and we argue about more, though it never feels like arguing. In fact, I just realized it recently.
We were talking about how best to build a contraption to participate in our school’s tractor day tradition, where all the farmers drive their tractors to school. Joe and I decided that, using the lawnmower graveyard in his basement, we could make something capable of driving the five necessary miles. We were constantly arguing about how to steer, how to get enough power, or how to gear it. This conversation was fairly normal, meaning we frequently called each other stupid and scratched everything. Suddenly, one of my other friends looked over with a puzzled expression and said, “You two are the most annoying people on Earth.” I was interested. I asked her what she meant and she said our quarreling sounded like dryer full of bolts. I was shocked. I had never realized that we were bickering. When I thought it over, I realized how right she was. With my other friends I make jokes and talk about the pretty girls, but with Joe, I get into fights about the plausibility of voxel engines for the next generation of hyper realistic graphics.
Joe has always been my key to the “nerdier” side of life. There was a time when I almost gave up on school because I hated being in the accelerated track. I just wanted to be normal. I did not want to be one of the “smart kids.” I just did not get along with the other kids in my classes. I had stumbled into the mindset that being cool in middle school was what truly mattered. Luckily, Joe was in the accelerated classes too. I stayed with the program partially because Joe was fun to be around and partially because of convenience.
Once high school started, things changed a little. Suddenly I was able to see friends outside of my classes more, and I started to realize that trying so hard to be cool was actually very boring. I realized that I actually care about things. Before, I just tried in school because I liked the grades. I began to realize that I like knowledge. I like learning to explain things that baffled me before. By talking to Joe I realized I really love designing things. If I had never had Joe to argue with, I would never realize that I love finding problems and talking about solutions. Now I have motivation. I have a reason to go to college. I need to know more. I need the tools to go from a basement tinkerer to a world challenging innovator. I want to take on the hardest problems and find the elegantly simple solutions. I know how I want to change the world, and it is thanks to Joe.</p>

2

<p>I personally enjoy it and think this is a good college essay. You took a simple story and made it significant. Your essay appeared simple but actually it was well thought out. It flows well too. I like how you started with Joe and ended with him, showing you respect and are gratefully to Joe (traits admissions like in an applicant).</p>

<p>Here are my minor suggestions:
-I didn’t think this sentence is necessary - In fact, I just realized it recently.
-You title was OK. How about using something relating to “dryer full of bolts”? This was one phrase that popped out.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Good luck! :)</p>

3

<p>“Please critique it as hard as you can and hopefully I will figure out how to polish this turd.”</p>

<p>I wouldn’t call it a turd, but I don’t particularly care for the essay. It’s good that you are having people read through and critique it, though. So, anyway, here’s a few general notes I have about it.</p>

<p>–The opening to me seems quite dull. In my opinion, it doesn’t convey any deep insight or show interesting action, and it just kind of crawls along. Indeed, this point sticks for the whole essay. Try to show, not tell. Show me why Joe is your best friend, and don’t just tell me. Though ‘telling’ can be effective if used correctly, I don’t think it adequately sparks interest in the reader about the topic throughout the essay.</p>

<p>-- Try to shy away from using passive voice and “to be” verbs. There are so many moments when you use these verbs. The occasional “to be” verb isn’t horrible, but you far overuse them, and thus the writing becomes dull and non-descriptive. For example, instead of “We were constantly arguing about how to steer,” use “We constantly argued about how to steer.” (Actually, in that same sentence, I suggest using parallelism – I’d make it “arguing about how to steer, get enough power, and gear it.”) With a few exceptions, I’d try to use stronger verbs than most of the ones you currently have in place, but, if you choose to replace the verbs you have, be careful not to sound like you are using a thesaurus.</p>

<p>–Edit the sentence structure to improve fluency. Oftentimes throughout the essay, particularly in the last paragraph, most of the sentences are simple structured sentences. Try to through in some compound and complex sentences in there to improve the flow of the essay. At times, the essay just feels choppy and disjointed; adding a variety of sentence structures should improve this.</p>

<p>I hope this all helps, and good luck!</p>

4

<p>And this is exactly what happens with admissions, different admission readers have different opinions, depending on age/past experiences/etc. : )</p>

5

<p>Adodie is dead-on. Listen.</p>

6

<p>It sounds so generic it’s boring. We, we, we and I, I, I… It’s repetitive. The first sentence bored me. I didn’t want to read it.</p>

<p>It’s like a form letter. Make it a lot more personal.</p>

7

<p>OK the style is very flawed, but I see why and I’ll work that out. I wonder if the subject matter is salvageable, or if I should start from scratch with a new topic.</p>