<p>My common app. Any comments would be appreciated.
Some key questions I have are
- Should I include more details about the story?
- Does it sound like I'm trying too hard?
- Does it show convincing passion?
- Is the topic too cliche?</p>
<p>"Because I don't want anyone to steal my essay, I've edited it down to a less detailed version. Any comments would be appreciated. If you're interested private message me if you wanna read the whole thing. </p>
<p>-I struggle with English coming from a math/science centered Asian family
-I go to English Class 9th grade, thinking it will be easy (Our teacher calls it the dungeon)
-I realize my old perception of writing (following a structured formula) won't cut it as I get a C on my first paper
- I learn what writing is truly about.
-English class becomes a positive experience, than a dungeon"</p>
<p>The content isn’t bad, but I think some of the basic style needs improvement
You use the word “was” a lot
don’t say “or at least what he told me”…not necessary at all
“Easily coasted”…“coasted” connotes “easy” so easily is not necessary
“as i was reading”…change to “as I read”
The homo erectus part is just odd and repeats the previous sentence
“readers torn with emotion”… not sure torn is the right word here
“essays I used to write”…I would say “essays I previously wrote”
You also say “literary” in the last 3 sentences. Not a big deal, but you could say “stylistic” or “rhetorical” devices.
“jump over the bar”…cliche and childish.
“eye-opening realization”…cliche, maybe say “striking realization”, but i don’t know…I really don’t think the teacher assigning an essay likely was this big eye opening experience…it was more about your struggles when you started writing
your ending could be a lot better…this is where you convince colleges that this experience shaped you in some way and proves you have certain qualities that will make you succeed in college</p>
<p>Writing is very personal though so maybe my changes don’t work for some. I just leave your essay thinking “cool, you moderately improved as a writer…great, so does everyone in high school” Remember, I’m just trying to help.</p>
<p>“I will never forget Mr. Heydanek’s opening words on the first day of freshman English: “Welcome to the Dungeon.” Despite his humorous tone, room 111, in the basement of Armstrong High School, truly became a dungeon for me, where my pre-conceived notion of English perished in its depths.”</p>
<p>I’ve assisted in admissions at my university so I thought I’d pop in a give some advice :-). </p>
<p>In general you do write well but your essay is trite – “as generic as the hamburger essay structure I was taught” as you say. </p>
<p>It’s pretty scattered. At first it seems like you’re venturing into the typical heritage/ethno-centric, home life essay which has been done to death. Then you suddenly jump into talking about the “dungeon” and how this particular English class pushed you creatively (also a very overdone idea). My suggestion would be to cut down the paragraphs about your math-centric, Asian American heritage to two or three sentences tops. If you do discuss your heritage at all, perhaps take out the bits that seem negative about your father? Such negativity, as minor as it seems, doesn’t reflect well. </p>
<p>Since your experiences in the dungeon are the meat of the of essay, start talking about them right away in the introduction paragraph. Use active language and place the ad com in the dungeon with a description of sights, sounds, etc. The best ad essays I’ve read tend to blend a storytelling style and more traditional essay writing. </p>
<p>Also try to go more in-depth. Beef up the dungeon content and your experiences there. And I agree that you should use the last paragraph to really hit home your points/make a lasting impression. Remember, this should structurally be no different than any other essay (intro/thesis -> body paragraphs -> conclusion). Just make it’s more colorful. </p>
<p>I think phrases/metaphors/similes like “smorgasbord of style”, “side platter of essays”, “like a dazed Homo erectus exploring the young Earth…”, “my pre-conceived notion of English perished in its depths” and “I was in a paradise of literary beauty” need to be left on the cutting room floor. They’re a bit cheesy. </p>
<p>You’re on the right track! Cut down some superfluous content/phrases, bulk up in other areas, move some paragraphs around, drive home your point and I think it’ll turn out well.</p>
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<p>Agreed! </p>
<p>Good luck! Oh and, yea, be careful posting your essays in a public forum…</p>