<p>@EllieMom - I agree, it is a Northern European quality. In fact, I invaded their space, even though I was demonstrating my version of socially correct behavior. </p>
<p>I was surprised that no one reacted to the hypothetical situation above (friend drops over when you are cleaning house–do you stop cleaning or not). How many people go to a friend’s home without calling first? I would almost never go to a friend’s house unannounced. Even if I were just dropping something off, I would call first, if only to save myself a trip in case the friend wasn’t home. I can’t think of a time where I just stopped in for a social visit without calling. In fact, one friend recently was concerned about a mutual friend and indicated that mutual friend’s ehavior was strange. As an example, the friend mentioned that our mutual friend dropped buy unannounced when friend expressing the concern was having a dinner party. That may be an extreme example but I guess I’m wondering if it I common for others to have friends or neighbors drop by unannounced? Is it a regional thing? I live in New England. Only time I remember this happening was when a neighbor came by because her car slid down the driveway (there was ice) and she needed to call for help.</p>
<p>When I was a kid (in the South) folks would drop by all the time “unannounced.” They would be invited in - given a glass of iced tea or coffee, etc. Everyone would sit and chat. However, I have not seen this since outside of my small hometown. Even when I go to visit my grandmother - people still drop by with vegetables from the garden, pieces of gossip, etc. Maybe it only still happens in small towns?? In my experience, the suburbs everywhere have gotten a little less neighborly. </p>
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<p>This probably varies not only by regional culture, but also individuals and/or their families. In some, this is absolutely normal and shows the extent of close-knitness in a given community.</p>
<p>In others, this wouldn’t be considered unusual or downright rude. </p>
<p>In some other cultures, it’d be unusual for even longtime close friends to have even seen each other’s homes as any entertaining/hosting/hanging out is done outside the home. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t either. To me, THAT’s rude and presumptive - just to drop by someone’s house?? And expect they should drop everything for me? I find that a really odd hypothetical with which to talk about “friendliness.” </p>
<p>I have friends who do this. I’m not wild about it. But they usually don’t expect to be let in for coffee and a chat–sometimes they are just in the neighborhood and want to say hi. If my house is a mess I’ll sit with them on the front porch. :)</p>
<p>“I have often had students ask, “Are you busy?” when my blood pressure is approximately gasket-blowing from the things that I need to accomplish in a restricted time frame. The thought that goes through my mind is “Yes, come back in 2028.” But I say, “Yes, but come in.” Then they get my full attention while they are in my office. I don’t think of this as fake, but perhaps some would.”</p>
<p>QM - I’m presuming this is in the context of office hours where you are reasonably expected to be available to students? If so, this isn’t about “friendliness” or “fakeness.” It’s neither friendly or fake to say to your students “come in” and give them your attention - that’s just being professional. This example doesn’t quite fit what we are talking about. </p>
<p>"When you live on top of each other, giving each other some private “space,” both physical and social, IS being well-mannered. Therefore, people are suspicious of the friendly stranger–they sense danger because the person is breaking the social code. "</p>
<p>Yes! Well said. It’s like when you get on a subway or bus - you go quiet, you keep to yourself, you don’t start asking other people about things, unless perhaps it’s a quick question about this is indeed the train to x. </p>
<p>"where I live it is expected to ask about family if you know someone. I “know” the folks at the counter at the dry cleaners I frequent. Last week I heard an amazing story about a daughter-in-law who is not “normal”, since she has a high powered career helping others and is not primary care giver to the children, and her husband was thinking of leaving her because he thought she was having an affair since she was always out late but the husband’s mom (the woman sharing all this while I picked up the shirts) told him to “get real”, the wife had no time to be having an affair "</p>
<p>See, i don’t see what’s “polite” or “friendly” about this behavior. It’s also rude to me, the paying customer, because I just want you to give me my dry cleaning in a timely fashion and let me get on with the rest of my errands. How arrogant on the dry cleaner’s behalf to think that her customers should be expected to care about her random family members. I would go crazy in a small southern town like that. </p>
<p>It’s true: people never seem to drop in these days. On the rare occasions when it happens, it is usually neighbors distributing Christmas gifts such as cookies or a jar of homemade jam. And they are unlikely to accept an invitation to come in right then even if you extend it. </p>
<p>VMT, I had the opposite experience meeting my future ILs for the first time. I extended my hand to shake, and my MIL said “Oh, so formal!” Only the opening barrage in that case. :)</p>
<p>I think that the dropping in thing is a relic of the days when it was assumed that there was a woman at home all day, and she had finished her housework by 10AM. There were a lot of nice things about those days, IMHO. </p>
<p>“Where I live, some transplants have been excluded for all time from social gatherings they would very much like to attend because they haven’t yet figured that one out. These are people who are generally regarded as highly intelligent. Their own culture is so very different they can’t conceive they have been insulting. And no one will ever tell them. Because that would be rude. : )”</p>
<p>Oh, spare me about the so-called “friendliness” of people who divide the world into natives and transplants. This reeks of that Alabama sorority kerfluffle where a bunch of women wanted to ensure that people who were not their kind (in this case, black) never got into “their” social circles. Honestly, gag. </p>
<p>And still using the word Yankee? What is this, the 1860s? </p>
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<p>I agree–this is an astute observation. No one likes to be stared at or forced to be social and people on a subway, in an elevator, etc. are squished together not by choice. </p>
<p>“I do think people in general are more modest and considerate here…not always putting themselves first. But I also find them provincial sometimes. It astonishes me how many people I know have never been to New York or California, let alone out of the country. And I am not talking about people who couldn’t afford to travel. They just don’t want t0”</p>
<p>And how many New Yorkers have never been to Chicago or Minneapolis, not to mention Madison WI or Fargo? I lived in Baltimore and worked with a 22 year old who had never been out of the STATE - never to Delaware, which was just 60 blocks or so up the street when she was on vacation in Ocean City every summer, never to DC, never to the factory outlets in PA. We moved to WI from MA when I was small, and our relatives thought the pony express would deliver our mail. A friend’s NYer husband said to me at our HS reunion that “he’d never been west of the Mississippi river before.” I informed him he was still a virgin, as the Mississippi river was still 4 hours west of where we were standing. He was a DOCTOR, but New York born and raised, Fordham for college and med school and residency in NYC. Talk about provincial…</p>
<p>I think dropping in on a friend or neighbor is old school. Not done so much nowadays.</p>
<p>PG: I am not claiming one set of rules or manners is right or wrong. IMHO there are no absolutes. No Platonic ideal of etiquette. : ) I do my best to adapt to circumstances. In environments where there is a particular local culture, and you ignore it because you don’t like it, you may be ostracized. Is that surprising? For me, understanding not everyone in the world shares the same culture and set of rules with which I was raised, has been an enriching experience. If I attempt impose the rules of my birthplace on someone else- that would be rude. ymmv </p>
<p>ETA: PG: Maybe I need to be clear that much of what I write is sort of tongue in cheek. I don’t take any of this very seriously but do find the different points of view entertaining and educational.</p>
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<p>agree : )</p>
<p>ETA II: PG: Might it be considered provincial not to “do as the Romans, when in Rome”?</p>
<p>Wow! Some really strong regional biases here. I guess we all view our own culture as normative and the other as wrong or rude. I try to think about it as an anthropological expedition into other cultures and I try not to label or perceive differences as good or bad - they just “are.” And I think these responses are answering the OPs question, in a way. But, shouldn’t experiencing other cultures be part of every college kid’s experience?</p>
<p>In my neighborhood we stop by and may be offered coffee or something else depending on time of day 
Once when the kids were little and I was out in the street supervising their summer bike riding and chatting with neighbors I lost track of time. DH came home and I had no ideas about dinner (it was 7pm ish). A neighbor said “wait here - hold the phone” ran up the street and came back with a plate of grilled chicken, green salad and french bread for DH . . . problem solved. If memory serves he even brought him a beer.</p>
<p>I think it should. Not everybody does. Especially those who think their “culture” is the best. And to me experiencing other cultures goes far beyond the four years of college. For us this has been a priority throughout our kids’ lives. Given a choice, we’d rather travel than have more stuff. I think it’s a good thing to go outside one’s comfort zone and learn to adapt and understand other points of view. But some people feel differently.</p>
<p>I totally agree. And so do a lot of other people, I think. That’s one of the reasons why study abroad is so appealing to many students. Not because it offers academic opportunities but because it offers life opportunities. </p>
<p>Where do you live saint fan? Northeast/South/Midwest? Urban/suburban/rural? What you described would be unlikely to happening my area (small town New England). If it did occur, it would be in the context of parents and kids doing something together and one parent realizes she doesn’t have anything for dinner. </p>
<p>The scenario you describe is something I think of as happening in the 60s. I’m not one to bemoan the “good, old days”-- just saying the idea of neighborliness has changed.</p>