Difficult LGBT/sexual abuse issue and transferring..help

Transfer Students UC Transfers
1

<p>Due to the nature of this issue, I'm trying to remain vague because I don't want too many identifying characteristics floating around on the web. I very much appreciate any advice you might have for me.</p>

<p>Currently, I am a lesbian-identified student entering my 2nd year at UCLA, and after a horrible year, am applying as a transfer to UCB, and Stanford. </p>

<p>This is my problem: My current GPA is a 3.49, and my quarter GPAs were 2.76, 3.8, and 4.0. My first quarter at UCLA I performed horribly in classes that I should have done well in.</p>

<p>However, there were some significant extenuating circumstances. Basically, everything that could go wrong, did. Despite my best efforts to be friendly, my roommates (who were friends previously) were hostile from the beginning. One day, they accidentally discovered I was gay through a flyer for a LGBT group I had left on my desk. AFter this, the abuse became almost unbearable. Neither one would speak to me at all except to yell or complain about something, and would blast the TV/talk loudly on the phone for sometimes (no exaggeration) more than 5 or 6 hours at a time, making it impossible to do homework in the room. Whenever they needed to change their clothes, they would force me to leave the room (even wake me up if I were sleeping), because they assumed that I, being a "dyke", would look at them while they were changing. </p>

<p>I would also find notes in the trash they had passed back and forth to each other about what a "fag" and a "dyke" I was. At night, they would both watch TV/keep all the lights on until 2 or 3 am. Even with my earplugs in, I would be unable to sleep, and any polite attempts to ask them to turn it off would be met with more obscenities. About 3 times a week I would be forced to sleep on the couches in a lounge downstairs. All the stress from this caused me to become ill, making me miss class and fall behind, and the lack of sleep caused me fall asleep in class frequently.
Eventually, I was able to secure a room transfer, but by that time the damage had been done. </p>

<p>At the same time, I was in the process of breaking up with a boyfriend at school (one of my only friends as well, because I had no friends going into my first quarter and was having a hard time fitting in) because I finally had accepted the fact that I was gay. We tried to remain friends, but he was very upset about me breaking up with him, and kept trying to convince me that I wasn't actually gay, which wasn't true. This all culminated at a party, the aftermath of which I was sexually assaulted. </p>

<p>I reported the assault to my RA/dean, as well as the police. An investigation was ongoing, but the stress of having to relive the event over and over in my mind, tell 4-6 complete strangers every minute detail, was bringing me to the point where I was having severe panic attacks/fainting. Additionally, going to court (which was likely) would be a huge problem because I would have to fly down from the SF Bay area to LA, at which point my parents would probably find out what had happened. For my own mental health and safety (the investigation went on until early this summer, and I was having issues at my outdoor internship), under the advice of a school psychiatrist I had been consulting via phone/email, I asked the police and the school to drop the case. </p>

<p>The huge isssue is that my parents do not know I am gay, and they do not know I was assaulted. My parents are extremely homophobic. My uncle was completely cut off from the family when it was discovered he was gay. My parents have had some suspicions about my sexuality, and the resulting conflict resulted in many, many depressing years, even thoughts of suicide.
At one point, my parents discovered through an accident that I'd volunteered at a UCLA LGBT rights conference. The result were a barrage of threats, including the idea of my tuition $ being taken away. </p>

<p>So, that concludes my long back story. If you had made it this far, thank you. Basically, in my applications, I want to include all this. I'm doing better now, but these events profoundly affected me. However, I am not sure if it is appropriate. I don't want to seem like I am whining. The other obvious problem is that I would have to write a "decoy essay" that my parents would read instead. Please advise me...</p>

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<p>Hellllooooooo!!!</p>

<p>This is devastating to hear, especially only to know that the situation has only worsened at UCLA.</p>

<p>Judging by your family’s “expectations,” it seems that you have been drenched in an undesirable puddle of obedience to the world because you are afraid of rejection.</p>

<p>A friend of mine, lesbian in fact, was going through the same thing with her parents. After confronting herself, she was no longer welcome home.</p>

<p>I’m a guy, and I’m straight, so I can’t even begin to imagine where you’re coming from…but I understand that you are in DIRE NEED of self-evaluation. </p>

<p>Correct me if I’m wrong here but I’m sensing that you constantly blame yourself for being lesbian, thinking of it as a flaw for everyone else around you. ^ This is the core of the problem. </p>

<p>With the problem in clear view, ask yourself, “do I really believe that by changing schools I will not undergo the same things that happened before?” “Will the roommates I befriend at UCB/Stanford treat me differently?” If you honestly believe the answer to be yes, then by all means, godspeed to you. However, if you feel as if you may undergo the same dilemma elsewhere, then maybe transferring isn’t the true solution.</p>

<p>Take a step back from all these complications and ask yourself, “How can I be happier.” Then try to brainstorm or outline a list of possible solutions.</p>

<p>I hope the best for you, it’s my duty as a human being and psychology major to do so.</p>

3

<p>Thank you for the reply, beardy, and I appreciate the advice. At first it was extremely difficult to accept myself as gay, seeing how my parents had raised me to be a “■■■-hating” copy of themselves. But, thankfully, I have many gay and gay-accepting friends back at home who’s support has been invaluable. (another reason why I wish to transfer back to the Bay Area). Slowly but surely I am coming to terms with it. </p>

<p>There are actually several very significant reasons that I wish to transfer besides this issue. Mainly, I am very disappointed in the quality of my major at UCLA (environmental studies), my inability to minor in art, as well as the general feeling of the student body (I’d describe it as “wannabe Hollywood”). Additionally I want a place that has easier access to outdoor activities. </p>

<p>So, I am definitely set on transferring.</p>

4

<p>jeeze, that sounds incredibly rough.</p>

<p>Were you previously admitted to Berkeley? I imagine if you were that would help you in reapplying. </p>

<p>Also, try applying for admission by exception. I’m 99% sure Berkeley has a really welcoming atmosphere to LGBT students, so I think you could definitely make the case that you would prosper as a student there. Try seeing if there are any specific LGBT features that Berkeley has to offer (clubs, classes, etc etc) and make your case around those accommodations in your application. </p>

<p>Make sure that you highlight that you’ve earned the right to a top tier UC education and that you don’t think that you’ll be able to reap all the benefits that that entails at UCLA. </p>

<p>Also in terms of your own mental health–it doesn’t seem that you have a good support system. Try to make friends who will be more accepting of you as a person. Again, clubs can definitely help in this area. The old saying goes, if it ever feels like no one has your back, then find a new place to rest your back. That includes parents, as hard as that sounds. You absolutely must find strength within yourself to free yourself of anything in the way of you doing what you want to do in life. </p>

<p>and yo, if you need any help in terms of figuring more stuff out about Cal or anything, post up here–i feel for your situation. </p>

<p>best of luck.</p>

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<p>Gosh, I am so incredibly sorry to hear/read this. It’s horrifying what some people do and how ignorant they can be.</p>

<p>I understand that UCSC has a pretty good environmental studies program and it’s more intimate. It’s smack in the middle of the woods and from what I’ve seen, UCSC is full of many different kinds of people. My few friends that went there don’t know any people that are “wannabe Hollywood.” Something that I can imagine UCLA being… as much as I love this school, some people are a little… dim.</p>

<p>Maybe as far as ranking goes, UCSC is some ways down from UCLA. But it’s what you make of it, no matter where you are.</p>

<p>I can’t say that I can fully understand your situation, since I must be in it to truly understand. I just wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the strength to continue to be as brave as you have been.</p>

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<p>Roommates are usually bad enough as it is, let alone the discrimination and abuse yours aimed at you. </p>

<p>Any reason you aren’t applying to Cal? Needless to say, you’d fit in well here. </p>

<p>And I hate to say this and make a blanket statement, but I’m not blown away such a thing happened to you at UCLA.</p>

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<p>whoa, im sure it is the same at CAL. i dont think one instance at UCLA of such abuse means the entire UCLA community is like that.</p>

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<p>sigh!! what’s wrong with this world!!!</p>

<p>im sure if u put that in your personal statement… you’ll have a great shot at transferring to other schools such as CAL. things do happen during our academic years, so im sure if you include that explanation towards ur first quarter grade, u’ll have a great shot at it!</p>

<p>GOOD LUCK!</p>

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<p>The last thing you want to talk about is being victimized in your personal statement. You should focus on how your hardships had become the fuel for your motivation to better yourself.</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>You’re sure huh? lol right. </p>

<p>Yeah…they’re crazy homophobic at Cal, and in San Francisco too!</p>

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<p>

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<p>We all know the extent of difference in the Bay Area and West LA atmospheres. Let’s not play dumb here.</p>

<p>OP: try for Cal. Good luck!</p>

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<p>first of all, instead of cutting my sentence, you ought to read the entire thing before you conclude on my statement. </p>

<p>“whoa, im sure it is the same at CAL. i dont think one instance at UCLA of such abuse means the entire UCLA community is like that.”</p>

<p>my point is that one instance does not mean THE ENTIRE community is like such. hence, CAL might have one instance of such, but it doesnt mean THE ENTIRE community is like that. and if you are going to deny the possibility of there being such homophobic people at CAL, you are very naive. </p>

<p>i grew up in the Bay Area and there are a decent amount of homophobic people here. granted, san francisco is the “gay capital” of the world, but that doesnt exclude the homophobic conservatives that live here. </p>

<p>grey, you live in LA, so i dont think you have a right to call me dumb for a comment about the bay area.</p>

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<p>First and foremost, I’m not calling you dumb. The reality of it is that there are homophobic people everywhere, and only that is the entirety of your reasoning. The atmospheres are different, and that’s what I said originally.</p>

<p>Lets not hijack this thread.</p>

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<p>This thread looks resolved, case adjourned.</p>

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<p>I had no idea UCLA was so homophobic… 0_0</p>

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<p>arting, it isn’t. this was just one instance. every school has it’s one instance, which was my original argument and seems like everyone agrees on.</p>

<p>OP, if you are not so worried about school prestige, have you considered SFSU?</p>

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<p>I went to high school in a very conservative state and had many gay & lesbian friends at that time, so I sort of know what you are going through. I had friends whose parents locked them in the closet every day after school and I had friends whose parents immediately kicked them out of the house (at age 15, 16!) - sometimes simply on the assumption that their kids must be gay due to their funny hair or funny clothes. We experienced all kinds of discrimination from other kids in our high school, teachers, and high school administrators. Some of it was due to how we looked, especially in my case since I was/am straight, but it was all due to this perceived notion that we must be “fags” for dying our hair pink or listening to weird bands. My friends & I belonged to a multi-school club/support group while in high school. Some of the people I knew would not have survived without such a support group. I can’t remember who started the group or how it started, but many of the meetings were on university campuses.</p>

<p>That said, have you tried to join a LGBT club at UCLA? I can’t imagine that one doesn’t exist. Through it, you would likely find others who are going through the same issues that you are. It sounds like you desperately need that kind of peer support. If you are still living on campus this year, perhaps through a club you can find a roommate who is a little bit more like you, too, although even gays & lesbians can have differences of opinion about when watching TV or talking loudly on the phone is ok or not… :wink: </p>

<p>Good luck with everything, and I agree with most people here in that if you decide to transfer, Cal, UCSC, and SFSU would all be good-fit schools, at least as far as LGBT issues are concerned.</p>

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<p>Sorry to hear about the trouble the OP is having, but I think we’re missing the bigger picture here.</p>

<p>UCLA is anti-gay.</p>

<p>Where’s your precious ranking now, huh? HAHAHA.</p>

<p>Also, this would never have happened at UCSD, we’re to busy not caring about each other, then to care about whether someone is gay or not.</p>

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<p>Short of being overly sarcastic, you have some deep issues.</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone is denying that.</p>