Difficult LGBT/sexual abuse issue and transferring..help

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Due to the nature of this issue, I'm trying to remain vague because I don't want too many identifying characteristics floating around on the web. I very much appreciate any advice you might have for me.</p>

<p>Currently, I am a lesbian-identified student entering my 2nd year at UCLA, and after a horrible year, am applying as a transfer to UCB, and Stanford.</p>

<p>This is my problem: My current GPA is a 3.49, and my quarter GPAs were 2.76, 3.8, and 4.0. My first quarter at UCLA I performed horribly in classes that I should have done well in.</p>

<p>However, there were some significant extenuating circumstances. Basically, everything that could go wrong, did. Despite my best efforts to be friendly, my roommates (who were friends previously) were hostile from the beginning. One day, they accidentally discovered I was gay through a flyer for a LGBT group I had left on my desk. AFter this, the abuse became almost unbearable. Neither one would speak to me at all except to yell or complain about something, and would blast the TV/talk loudly on the phone for sometimes (no exaggeration) more than 5 or 6 hours at a time, making it impossible to do homework in the room. Whenever they needed to change their clothes, they would force me to leave the room (even wake me up if I were sleeping), because they assumed that I, being a "dyke", would look at them while they were changing.</p>

<p>I would also find notes in the trash they had passed back and forth to each other about what a "fag" and a "dyke" I was. At night, they would both watch TV/keep all the lights on until 2 or 3 am. Even with my earplugs in, I would be unable to sleep, and any polite attempts to ask them to turn it off would be met with more obscenities. About 3 times a week I would be forced to sleep on the couches in a lounge downstairs. All the stress from this caused me to become ill, making me miss class and fall behind, and the lack of sleep caused me fall asleep in class frequently.
Eventually, I was able to secure a room transfer, but by that time the damage had been done.</p>

<p>At the same time, I was in the process of breaking up with a boyfriend at school (one of my only friends as well, because I had no friends going into my first quarter and was having a hard time fitting in) because I finally had accepted the fact that I was gay. We tried to remain friends, but he was very upset about me breaking up with him, and kept trying to convince me that I wasn't actually gay, which wasn't true. This all culminated at a party, the aftermath of which I was sexually assaulted.</p>

<p>I reported the assault to my RA/dean, as well as the police. An investigation was ongoing, but the stress of having to relive the event over and over in my mind, tell 4-6 complete strangers every minute detail, was bringing me to the point where I was having severe panic attacks/fainting. Additionally, going to court (which was likely) would be a huge problem because I would have to fly down from the SF Bay area to LA, at which point my parents would probably find out what had happened. For my own mental health and safety (the investigation went on until early this summer, and I was having issues at my outdoor internship), under the advice of a school psychiatrist I had been consulting I asked the police and the school to drop the case.</p>

<p>The huge issue is that my parents do not know I am gay, and they do not know I was assaulted. My parents are extremely homophobic. My uncle was completely cut off from the family when it was discovered he was gay. My parents have had some suspicions about my sexuality, and the resulting conflict resulted in many, many depressing years, even thoughts of suicide.
At one point, my parents discovered through an accident that I'd volunteered at a UCLA LGBT rights conference. The result were a barrage of threats, including the idea of my tuition $ being taken away.</p>

<p>So, that concludes my long back story. If you had made it this far, thank you. Basically, in my applications, I want to include all this. I'm doing better now, but these events profoundly affected me. However, I am not sure if it is appropriate. I don't want to seem like I am whining/making up excuses. Please advise me...</p>

2

<p>I am so sorry about the assaults (physical and emotional) and extreme abuse that you have experienced, and about the lack of support, if not overt hostility, from your family. The need to hide your basic nature from your family must also be an extreme burden on you, and I am very sorry that you are experiencing that.</p>

<p>I’m not so sure about including all of this information in your transfer application, though. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your grades are not terrible. Yes, first quarter could have been better, but a rough first marking period is not unusual, even under normal circumstances. Your 3.8 and 4.0 at UCLA are quite impressive. (Congratulations! :)) </p></li>
<li><p>What should imo go into your transfer essay would be similar to what went into your college essays: something that shows what sort of person you are, what sort of presence you would bring to the classroom, to the dormitory, to the campus. Extensive details about the assaults and abuse take up space and can imo distract attention from your fundamental personality and uniqueness as a human being.</p></li>
<li><p>You could consider mentioning that your first-quarter was marked with difficulties from those who could not accept your sexual orientation, without going into a lot of details. You could also mention the sexual assault, again without going into details. This approach would allow you to get your basic point across without allowing the assaults and abuse to occupy a large percentage of your essay. I think that your readers will get the message, and I think that they would rather learn more about you as a unique human being than learn the details about the assaults and abuse.</p></li>
<li><p>If your reasons to transfer include a favorable LGBT environment at UCB or Stanford, you could certainly mention that in your essay. Consider mentioning any details, specifics that make those schools attractive to you. I would avoid, however, being critical of where you are now. Offering criticism of UCLA does not help UCB or Stanford understand why you want to be at those schools (as opposed to anywhere else).</p></li>
</ol>

3

<p>I agree with ADad’s advice. Send a normal application essay and then you can send a short additional statement (1-2 paragraphs) explaining your difficulties first quarter. As ADad said, I would not go into detail. I’m not sure how transfer applications work and whether there is a section asking your reasons for transferring, but I’m sure you can figure out how best to work it in. Focus on you, positives, and what you can bring to the school you’re applying to.</p>

<p>Congrats on your grades in your last two quarters. They are excellent, and you should be commended. </p>

<p>I was very sorry to read about the hardships that you have endured. It is not fair or right. I suggest keeping your orientation from your family until you are financially independent; from then, it’s a matter of you deciding what is important to you and weighing your options, as I’m sure you know. Do you have any kind of support system? Do you have any friends from UCLA or from home who you can talk to? If you like your uncle, have you tried to reach out to him? With a group of good, like-minded friends, things look a lot brighter.</p>

4

<p>Thanks to both of you for the advice and support, I appreciate it.</p>

<p>Re: ADad: Thanks, those are good ideas for the essays. Mainly, I’m looking for a strong environmental program, access to art classes/studios, access to outdoor activities and a school with a different student body feeling (I’d describe UCLA as “wannabe Hollywood”). I also plan to talk about some of the things I was involved in at UCLA, as well as a competitive internship in my field of interest I worked this summer. So, this would be the bulk of my essays. I’d save the LGBT issue for the “personal hardship” essay question, because as you said, I don’t want it to be the only impression they get. </p>

<p>Corranged: Unfortuntately it would be impossible to contact my uncle, as I have never met him and it is a taboo subject in my family. However, I have many gay and gay-accepting friends back at home who’s support has been invaluable. </p>

<p>At school I do have a few friends, and I do attend the LGBT meetings, although this year that will probably need be on the down-low because I am joining ROTC to see if a career in the military would be right for me, as well as an opportunity to learn about the services in general. (Sophomore year is the last year anyone can join ROTC without signing a contract). </p>

<p>thanks again!</p>

5

<p>I agree with the advice you have been given. If the application does ask why you want to transfer, I would emphasize the availabilty of environmental programs, etc. at UCB/Stanford and only as a side note mention your personal difficulties at UCLA, if at all. (In other words, emphasize the positive reasons to come to UCB/Stanford vs. the negative ones leading you to leave UCLA.)</p>

<p>But on another matter, are you sure you want to enter ROTC? You are a lesbian who might not be completely out right now but are probably moving in that direction. You have experienced some very unpleasant (to say the least) reactions to your sexuality. Do you really want to enter the military where gays are summarily expelled if their sexuality becomes known? Do you really want to hide who you are for the next 5, 10, 20 years and constantly fear exposure? And live in an aggressively anti-gay world?? Think about it.</p>

6

<p>If you’re looking for a strong environmental program, why not consider US Santa Cruz and UC Santa Barbara?</p>

<p>I think you’ve gotten good advice on the rest of the stuff.</p>

<p>My sympathies: it sounds very difficult; it also appears to me that you’ve handled those difficulties very well.</p>

7

<p>There are really three issues here: finding a context in which you can make friends and be comfortable as who you are, where you go to college, and your relationship with your family. I sense that maybe you have them all jumbled up together. You want to get the hell out of Dodge (UCLA), which has been very difficult for you, and start over elsewhere, and you believe your family will respect Berkeley or Stanford, so will not question your transfer or threaten to withhold support.</p>

<p>But, really, the issues are mostly separate. UCLA is as big as the world; there are surely some microclimates within it where you could flourish, and plenty of ways to minimize contact with your old no-longer-friends. While you may be able to transfer to Berkeley or Stanford, they are not the easiest places to do that. If you really need to transfer to be happy, you need some other options as well, and a plan for explaining them to your family. You also need – as I’m sure you know – a backup plan for what happens if you are outed to your family. This may be tough to hear, but it’s hard for me to believe that you could be outed to your high school friends and be involved in a serious administrative complaint against your high school boyfriend, and have your parents hear nothing about the situation for years.</p>

<p>Finally – I agree with Inthebiz. ROTC? How self-destructive are you? Don’t you want to move towards spending your time in less homophobic environments? In a just world, pursuing that option should be open to you, but in the world we live in it’s awfully problematic.</p>

8

<p>It is very difficult, at most schools, to be recognized as financially independent from your parents. But you might actually be able to make a case, whatever school you wind up at. This would get your finaid calculated based on your own (presumably minimal) income and assets rather than those of your parents.</p>

<p>If you can contact your gay uncle without your parents finding out, I’d say do so. He may be able and willing to help you.</p>

9

<p>Unfortunately, transferring between UCs is not easy, since the transfer slots are maintained for juco transfers. Thus, you need a good reason for Cal to accept you. For example, transferring to Cal because you want to major in business is a good reason (since only Cal and UCR have undergrad Biz schools). But, transferring for math (just bocs its higher ranked?) is not a good reason.</p>

<p>Since Cal does have an Enviro College (and UCLA does not?), that might be a good argument. Other ‘good’ reasons could be finances, i.e., live at home, or personal reasons related to family issues (extremely ill parent, need to work in family store).</p>

<p>btw: Not sure that Cal (or Stanford, for that matter) will be any more gay-friendly than UCLA.</p>

10

<p>If you know your uncle’s name, you can use google and white pages to find him. Be wary of having unrealistic expectations of him, though. </p>

<p>I agree with others about ROTC: not a good idea to put yourself in a situation where you can lose everything if your true self is discovered. Sounds just like your family: out of the frying pan, into the fire.</p>

11

<p>I don’t know either about UCLA being less gay friendly than the schools you are considering. If you were at Brigham Young U or in the boonies, that might be a compelling issue, but I would not be as sympathetic from someone coming from UCLA. I would downplay the issue and focus on other reasons, mainly academic for transfer. As some others say, most schools do not like lateral transfers. The kids most successful in transferring to competitive schools have exhausted or will soon have exhausted resources in a subject of interest at their first school and looking for richer resources as the reason for transfer. Many people hate the old victim mentality as well, so you need to tell your story in a way that does not seem to be full of self pity. Include what you have learned from the incident and how much better you are at dealing with your identity and the world at large. No one wants a problem person.</p>

12

<p>You might also want to expand your search to check out Whitman College in Washington state. It’s still in the western states, and from what I’ve read it seems to have a strong environmental program as well as a friendly community - see [url=<a href=“http://www.whitman.edu/glbtq]GLBTQ[/url”>http://www.whitman.edu/glbtq]GLBTQ[/url</a>]. They offer very good need-based financial aid and also have merit scholarships.</p>

13

<p>Just want to send encouragement. You will get through this, and will be a stronger person, and able to help others someday. </p>

<p>Best wishes.</p>

14

<p>I agree with just about all of JHS’ post.</p>

<p>Look, dealing with your new sexual identity will continue to be a whirlwind of emotions for the next couple of years. I don’t think changing colleges helps one bit in that respect. There is a larger LGBT community at UCLA than at Stanford… at Berkeley its a push. It is a less than 5% chance to be accepted into Stanford even with perfect UCLA grades, so maybe 1% with the GPA on record currently. More fundamentally, you don’t have a compelling story about WHY STANFORD, other than you want to be closer to supportive friends in NoCal. Stanford is not a friend, counselor, support group, psychologist, etc. I don’t know the odds for Berkeley, but I’ll wager less than 10%… If you’re really serious about Berkeley, I’d do community college for a couple of quarters, and transfer to Berkeley out of community college which has an over 40% acceptance rate.</p>

<p>Having said all that, what you need more than anything is a support group that can help guide you through this roller coaster ride. If you find that at UCLA, great! UCLA is as LGBT friendly as any campus in the U.S. Avail yourself of the the Student Psychological Services, or whatever its called these days. Get involved in the UCLA GALA (if its still called that). If you cannot make it work at UCLA, then take a leave of absence until things have stabilized.</p>

<p>And like mmom said, you WILL get through this.</p>

15

<p>Wesleyan U in CT has an extremely open and accepting enviornment for LGBT students. I think they would be sympathetic to your plight.</p>

16

<p>Thanks for the advice again, all.</p>

<p>I think it is important to mention that I was accepted to both Cal and UCLA originally, and the idea of transferring solidified in my mind independently of the “unfortunate events”. I am <em>not</em> transferring because of what happened to me. That is COMPLETELY independent.</p>

<p>I am transferring because I want a school with a better environmental program, access to art, and activities I enjoy, a school in a location that has many jobs in my future career (bay area), and that is of similar status as UCLA. I’m not just trying to “trade up”, I feel my reasons are legitimate.</p>

<p>UCLA is not an anti-gay school to any extent, and obviously it would be silly to judge an entire population based on a few jerks. The only reason why I wanted to mention any of this at all is because it affected me in a profound way, and to explain the big gap in my GPA.</p>

<p>I will also be applying to a few “safety” schools. Thanks again for all of your advice and support, I very much appreciate that people took the time to respond.</p>