Discussing Admissions Results with your child

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>I think Gemma was responding to a poster who was planning on opening the child’s letters before the child. I don’t think any parents would want their kids to get their responses and they (the parents) not be around for support or celebration. But I certainly let my daughter see her results in privacy as she wished, after which she let me know. </p>

<p>If you think your child might have a seriously dangerous response on his own, then your kid is not appropriate for boarding school, AND you as a family have not managed expectations and the possibility of not getting in properly. I agree with Benley, do your jobs now as parents to discuss the possibility of not getting in (I can’t even call it rejection).</p>

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<p>Both Good news, and disappointment, are best shared with loved ones - especially those that have been in support of the endeavor. That is what I got from anothermoms post. Mail should always be opened by those to whom it is addressed.</p>

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<p>lemonade1 is right. The 14, 15 and 16 year olds who have applied to boarding schools are proposing to live away from home for extended periods of time. They should be mature enough to open the envelopes themselves. Rejections are painful, but these are not elementary students. </p>

<p>A number of the top boarding schools stress students’ independence, and set up rules of behavior which depend upon the students’ best judgement.</p>

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<p>I know four legacy families that have girls applying for 10th grade to one of the schools that are over enrolled for girls in that grade. I think the parents will be the ones that need someone there when the decisions come out!</p>

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<p>In my 15 year old opinion I think the child should be able to handle it the way they want to. I know when I applied in 2008 I opened the envelopes on my own. I was 13 and I didn’t have a mental breakdown when I realized I couldn’t go, even though I was accepted (FA and stuff). For me, I would want to open it alone because my parents have not been very involved in the process, but since these children have you for parents that obviously doesn’t apply. However, when comforting your child remember that they might not see things the way you do, and you might think your making them feel better, but they might be feeling the opposite. That’s why I think the child should be allowed to open it on their own and have time to deal with it and then share it with the family. It might be a bit much to find you’ve been rejected and immediatly after that have all these people like “oh, u know ur awesome, this doesn’t mean anything, blah, blah, blah” (u might not say that, im just saying) it might takes some time to process.</p>

<p>Also banning CC?? I don’t know how I could have survived this proccess without CC. I’ve “met” people just like me who are going through the same process and feel the same way. I would have been SO alone without CC. Yes we do spend alot of time obessive compulsing and we do procrastinate on here but its nice to know that others understand and have the same questions you do. As we once said, its awsome having “kindred spirits” :D</p>

<p>Sorry for the rant, I’m not very good at articulating without copious amounts of writing and sometimes things don’t come out the way they sounded in my head…</p>

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<p>That was a nice post, Hoping.</p>

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<p>Thank you!!! :D</p>

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<p>I would have been SO alone without CC. Yes we do spend alot of time obessive compulsing and we do procrastinate on here but its nice to know that others understand and have the same questions you do. As we once said, its awsome having “kindred spirits” </p>

<p>I agree with this. I would’ve given up on the process long ago if I didn’t have people going along ‘beside’ me doing the same thing. It is such long and arduous journey that without CC I probably would’ve given up or not have done so well during my essays.</p>

<p>I have a feeling that I probably will not get in this time around, but because of CC I feel ready to do it the next time around. Not just because I’ve already done it, but b/c of all the knowledge I’ve gleaned off of here. The help of all the adults and my fellow applicants has made me a seasoned veteran of this site. </p>

<p>If it had been my parents on here it would definitely not have been the same. I’ve done the majority of this process alone and I feel thats prepared me to be more independent.</p>

<p>No offense to you soccer mom types but, let your kids open the envelope! Jeez, what are they 5!? If they can’t handle that, they can’t handle BS. Let go of the leash just this once. And when/if they go away to school don’t be one of the parents who come up every other weekend and call every morning. If your child doesn’t acclimate at BS imagine how they’ll be at college or when they get their first apartment. </p>

<p>Let go of the leash.</p>

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<p>lemonade1 is correct: I didn’t say parents shouldn’t be part of the process, I just said parents shouldn’t open the envelopes/check the notification e-mails when both are addressed to the APPLICANT.</p>

<p>Might I recommend this recent article from the Boston Globe:
[Our</a> coddled children are all grown up and still counting on us - The Boston Globe](<a href=“http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2010/02/27/our_coddled_children_are_all_grown_up_and_still_counting_on_us/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed3]Our”>http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2010/02/27/our_coddled_children_are_all_grown_up_and_still_counting_on_us/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed3)</p>

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<p>Ok, just a few words more on this, since I must have not been clear enough. My own child is years past the prep school admissions quandry, and the boat has long sailed on that. I am trying to give a voice and different point of view, because every student is an individual, and will behave in his or her own way. First of all, I was directing my comments to parents in my previous post. What I said was that you should know your child, and act appropriately. I am not sure how anyone can emphatically disagree with that, but if you do, so be it. You are an adult, and are entitled to your own opinion for your own child. My second point, was that other top school admission offices have given advice, that on the face of it would be different that what seemed to be the advice of “Gemma V of Hogwarts.” I will remind everyone that you do not ever know who you are talking to in this cyberspace, and one person’s opinion should not be gospel to anyone, including mine. </p>

<p>Although by the time the envelopes arrive, there should be a good parental decision made as to whether a child is ready for boarding school, some people make the wrong choice anyway. Every year on this site we see stories of those who were accepted and left, voluntarily or involuntarily, for one reason or another. Just because some students are mature enough to handle things on their own, doesn’t mean that all are. Advice on a forum like this should be general and adaptable to a general audience. To say that if you are rejected, and that you break down, it means you weren’t ready for boarding school, may or may not be technically correct (I don’t think you can prove something like that), but it could really be harmful for the few who get rejected and actually were not ready. I hope you are getting my point now. I will draw an analogy. Penicillin can save your life, or it can kill you if you are allergic to it. Therefore we warn people about side effects before we give them penecillin. There can be unexpected results. We don’t say hey, if kills you, I guess you couldn’t handle it. </p>

<p>I know that I will not convince impertinent teenagers of the value of my remarks, but I hope that at least some parents will see what I mean.</p>

<p>I have read so many posts on this part of CC, and on the more college oriented forum topics where even good kids do something boneheaded that really throws their own involved parents for a loop. In real life, of course I have seen this happen too, sometimes with tragic results, really. On a less than tragic note, parents and students have posted in the college admissions sections instances of depression because of rejection from a dream school. I am not making this up, and you can find these stories yourselves on this website. All I am saying is know your kid, and be around anyway in case you have to pick up pieces. </p>

<p>To the students remember that - there are more things in heaven and earth, horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy (Hamlet).</p>

<p>Wishing all good luck in prep school admissions and in all things.</p>

<p>Gemma, we cross posted, so I hope you read what I wrote above, and see where I am going. I don’t say that parents should open their children’s mail, but I do say that they should remember that they are children, and may not be ready for the results. BTW, the Boston Globe article talks of adult children (18+), not 13 or 14 year olds. I still hold the insurance card for my minor child. Perhaps I am too stuck in my perspective, but minor children generally can not make their own medical decisions, and that is the field that I have been working in for a long long time.</p>

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<p>May I offer yet another point of view? :slight_smile: Who opens the envelopes or clicks on that link is really a formality. In my family, parents and the child took on the BS appliction task as a team. It was never a matter related to privacy or respect. Whoever grabbed the envelop would open it and we shared the joy or shrugged off the disappointment together as a family. He was a little intimidated in the beginning to check on the results by himself, so we did it together and the first two were positive. He got bold, so while we were out for shopping he checked the third one by himself. It was a school he cared for and it was a WL. I could tell his disappointment on the phone and almost regret I let him do it by himself. I said “well you know all of them can’t be positive decisions. You know what this means - if there’s got to be a certain percentage of declines, then the news from your dream schools that’s coming next is more likely to be positive!” And I was right.</p>

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<p>

I know this is totally off the topic, but I just have to say, this could not be further from the truth. There are many, many so-called "second tier schools (and even “third”) that would offer full aid. In fact, if a candidate is above their average, they might be MORE likely to get full aid - or even an offer of over demonstrated need - than at a “top tier” school. </p>

<p>Back to the topic…
Boarding school is a family decision. The decision to apply, the visits and interviews, the application itself (parent “essay” on some applications), the ultimate decision to attend. We feel that getting the results is also a family “event.” Good, bad, or in the middle, we will get the results together. We as parents, have as much invested in this process, emotionally, as do the children. I kind of feel like it would be really selfish if my child were to open and have the excitement (or disappointment) by themselves.</p>

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<p>Could we move beyond the instant of opening the envelope? </p>

<p>March 10th and March 11th are emotional days for applicants. They’re also emotional for those schools which aren’t on vacation. I suggest that you might want to raise the possibility with your kids that different schools accept different people. What do you say if your dream school rejects you, but accepts your best friend, or someone you really don’t like. (Also vice-versa.) </p>

<p>As a second issue, it seems that more applicants have applied for more aid. I assume that means that more families will not receive FA than in previous years, even though boarding schools have reportedly increased the amount of aid available. If your family needs a certain level of FA to make the dream possible, I suggest that you discuss that with your kids, before the envelopes arrive. If you know you won’t qualify for FA, but paying tuition will be a significant challenge for your family, discuss that with them, too.</p>

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<p>Having gone through this process with my son last year, I think that the most important thing I did for him on or near March 10 was to control, to the extent possible, expectations. In this regard, we discussed at some length which schools we thought would accept him, which wouldn’t and which were toss-ups (i.e., WL). We tried to make it a contest too, like picking games in the NCAA basketball tournament. This “BS pick 'em game” was sort of like our own March Madness. Such an exercise kept our focus off praying to God for certain schools to accept my son and instead allowed us to stand back and figure out dispassionately what each school would probably do with my son’s app. This “game” didn’t kill our nerves over the BS decision process; it just channeled them and made the process kind of fun, to the extent possible. (In the end, we went 8-2 on our picks. Our only two “losses” occurred when we predicted that (a) he would get into a certain HADES school, but it didn’t accept him, and (b) he wouldn’t get into another certain HADES school, but it did, in fact, accept him.)</p>

<p>Enjoy March Madness! I hope that everyone is a winner!</p>

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<p>Another question, after the envelopes are opened and assuming your child is accepted to more than one school, how will you choose a school?</p>

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<p>

If FA is either not a factor, or more than one school has made it equally possible financially for a child to attend, re-visit days are critical.<br>
Even if you/your child has a current favorite. I know more than one person (I’ve said this before on here) that changed their minds after attending re-visit days.<br>
Read the school newspaper (student written). You probably already looked through yearbooks when waiting for your interview, but if not…check them out. Read the glossy, slick development-professional produced info too, but anything you can get your hands on that is student produced is helpful.<br>
Talk with coaches, teachers, students. Hang out on campus as much as you can and observe. A lot of times, the feeling of how well your child “fits” will just pop out. </p>

<p>Of course, what happens when the child and parent have DIFFERENT first choices? Personally, I stand by my statement that it is a family decision, but ultimately, it is the student attending, so there has to be balance. We had a spreadsheet with my son - facilities (athletic, academic, campus), coaches, etc. We rated them all, I weighted them…made it all too scientific…and in the end the school he picked had come out pretty much on top as well.</p>

<p>Another thing - if your child is an athlete and is leaning towards one school or another BECAUSE of a certain coach or because the school is strong in a sport. Do the “ACL test.” You are always just one blown out ACL away from being just another kid on crutches. If that happens, or if the coach you love leaves, would you still be happy there?</p>

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<p>

drat… oh, how i wish i hadn’t studied probabilities and statistics so avidly in college!</p>

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<p>LOL I know it’s risky - I gambled! Fortunately I got it right. On a serious note however, I think we were very prepared to deal with a situation where none of the top schools admitted him. The fact that a good day school that offered everything we needed was already under the belt helped, so my reaction I described above was more of a cushion for the mental blow at that point. Not that it’s something anyone should “imitate”.</p>

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<p>Prepare for another possibility too–Waitlists! The number of WLs last year was huge as schools manage yield. For us, S had all WL and we were in limbo for another month and did not attend re-visits. From March 10 on, for the next month, we juggled expectations–try to remain optimistic but also be okay with staying at the local school. We even got a call from one HADES school during this time saying we were a provisional admit and stand by (not sure what that meant other than we were close) but the acceptance never came. After April 10 our facts changed again–acceptance and a new mindset again that he was going to BS. It was quite an emotional month and I am not sure how one prepares for it.</p>

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<p>Most of the time (and I’m glad it wasn’t for grinzing) a waitlist is the same as deny, for practical purposes anyway.</p>