<p>
Do you think stepson and his mom would fight that if your husband put his foot down? Personally, that would be the hill on which I would fight to the death. My completely non-negotiable position would be that I would pay half of the figure left AFTER including the financial aid award.<br>
If you factor in those contributions, does the number come closer to what you and your husband can do? How about merit money – was there anything?</p>
<p>It looks like another concern is that in a short time the younger sibling will also be in college. If that child also goes to a pricey private, the bio dad could be expected to pay $50k per year ($25k each) since no aid will be forthcoming.</p>
<p>The OP’s H would be right to get this changed now…legally…while the kids are still minors.</p>
<p>Why is it hard to believe the dad’s expectation was a cheaper school when he signed?</p>
<p>Exactly! Who knows how much college cost when the divorce decree was signed? It sounds like they’ve been divorced for awhile since the OP now has 2 kids with her H.</p>
<p>And…how many parents have NO IDEA that privates cost as much as they do. He may have been thinking that his kids will go to PublicU and his contribution will be - like - $5-10k per year.</p>
<p>BTW…if this kid got NO MERIT from Dickinson, then that may also be annoying the OP and her H…especially if the SAT test was sabotaged by the exW taking the kid to a concert the night before the exam.</p>
<p>Caroline, is your step-son aware of the consequences of his ED decision? Hopefully he has a good relationship with his dad. I don’t think he should be protected from the financial realities while he is making the first adult decision of his life. It sounds like dealing with the ex is a waste of time, and your H may be legally obligated to pay half of anything. But it would be a shame if SS finds out after the fact that his siblings are screwed because of him.</p>
<p>Also, if SS gets no merit money, was unmotivated to prepare for SAT, and agreed to go to a concert before the test, is he likely to be a successful student at Dickinson? He ought to be going to a college that matches his skill set.</p>
<p>I hope this all works out for you. You sound very stressed. Good luck!</p>
<p>I was interested by the comment that the ex W was probably setting up a situation where she and “rich” Step Dad would pay 100% and sue ex H (bio dad) in contract for his “half.”</p>
<p>My homestate (Texas) used to allow the Agreement Incident to Divorce to expressly provide for enforcemant as a contract, but no more. See below, Sec. C.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>OP’s H may be in for a real surprise if the governing state law allows for enforcement as a contract, since there probably isn’t an “out” after the fact. In states where the agreement isn’t a contract, perhaps there can be a modification. </p>
<p>BTW–in a lot of states (including Texas) the trial court has no jurisdiction to enter a litigated judgment or order requiring a parent to pay support (including college) for a child over 18 without the court finding the child to be “disabled” per the governing definition.</p>
<p>IMO-- the fewer agreements the better. Get basis child support and visitation hammered out and leave the rest alone since no one can predict the future.</p>
<p>Without an agreement, both exs have to consider what is best for the child and for him or herself in determining how to treat the other ex. I have experieinced that if both exs focus on the child, they tend not to try to gut the other parent and can come up with accepable arrangements as the need is presented.</p>
<p>OP, I have a question. Did you read the agreement/order concerning support of the step kids before you got married? Did you not see that 50/50 without a cap or a mutual agreement requirement could be a problem?</p>
<p>This thread makes me cringe. The conclusions drawn have been absurd. The contempt for a stepmother clear.</p>
<p>He got out of child support? Huh? Caroline clearly said the mom agreed to a 50/50 split after the divorce to be with her boyfriend. Clearly their incomes were close enough to eliminate child support at that point. </p>
<p>Lectures about how much she should love her step kids? This is someone who agreed to take the step kids half the time after the fact, moved for them and also took in the mother in law!!</p>
<p>They should all, seven of them, move into an apartment to pay for a private college? What??</p>
<p>It sounds to me that at the time of the divorce, neither parent was contemplating pricy colleges, both had moderate incomes. The ex wives world has changed, caroline’s DH’s has not.</p>
<p>Caroline, I’m sorry this is the treatment you got. One of my best friends is in a similar situation where her step kid’s mom does everything she can to harass them. I think you and your husband are 100% correct to be outraged by this and should take action. Clearly you can’t put 4 through private colleges and equity among the kids will become an issue.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Based on Caroline’s comment </p>
<p>so we can pay full boat for a Dickinson education based on a millionaires income?</p>
<p>It sounds like either the son/XW either did not indicate need for financial aid, or the school (reasonably from their standpoint) determined the son had no need of aid based on XW/new husband’s income. So it doesn’t matter what the father’s EFC would be under FM, IM, or any other determination, the school will provide no aid. correct? That would make it pretty hard to withdraw from ED based on not meeting need.</p>
<p>Dickinson does provide merit aid to a pretty signficant number of students, up to 20K a year (I think the award levels are something like 20K, 15K, and 7.5k – obviously more kids get the lower amount). I am not sure if those merit letters have gone out yet (or whether the OP’s SS has told her if he has gotten one). Of course he may not get any. But it would certainly make this situation better for the OP/H if he did.</p>
<p>The OP hasn’t given me the impression that she has a lot of affection for this kid. And… it is actually pretty uncommon for a stepparent to want to provide as much/make the same sacrifices they do for their own kids. I know there are exceptions, and some that definitely frequent cc – kudos to them! But this seems like a much more typical situation. So you can hardly blame us for taking her side of it with a grain of salt. And… as far as I can tell, there are no college savings mentioned. Regardless of the marital situation/ex’s financial situation, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for a parent who signs up to pay for half of a college education and doesn’t save anything for it.</p>
<p>I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve heard that when agreements are vague (such as 50% of costs) with no other info stated, that judges will sometimes change/amend based on more real info and “spirit of the intent”. </p>
<p>With such a vague clause (50% of college costs) any reasonable person could see that greater clarification is needed. </p>
<p>Why is there an assumption that only one parent needs to agree to the college choice and the other parent must pay 50%? Where is THAT written in the divorce decree???</p>
<p>Typically, in joint custody arrangements, the decisions about education are to be decided by BOTH parents…I think the OP’s H needs to go back and look at how education matters were to be decided. This may be the loophole that is needed.</p>
<p>After all…What if without the father’s concurrence, the student…</p>
<p>chooses some mega-expensive international college
takes 5+ years to graduate
selects expensive study abroad programs
takes expensive summer school courses</p>
<p>Is the dad expected to keep on coming up with 50% no matter what? </p>
<p>What if he had become disabled? Unemployed? This clause is just too vague. I think a judge would recognize that.</p>
<p>If the divorce decree had said that each parent would pay 50% of medical care, would that mean that one parent could sign a daughter up for a boob job and the other parent would have to pay 50%?</p>
<p>Just as there is “elective surgery” there is such a thing as “elective expensive private colleges”. Neither are necessities.</p>
<p>* So it doesn’t matter what the father’s EFC would be under FM, IM, or any other determination, the school will provide no aid. correct? That would make it pretty hard to withdraw from ED based on not meeting need. *</p>
<p>it doesnt’ matter that the family has no determined need. The family gets to decide if an ED school is affordable…regardless of millionaire status or not. They can still decline.</p>
<p>There are consequences of attempting to withdraw from an ED application.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Many colleges share their ED lists with other similar colleges. Not sure if the OP’s SS lives in PA or a nearby state, but other colleges often won’t admit a student who has reneged on an ED acceptance. OP may not care about this… but the SS surely does.</p></li>
<li><p>SS’s guidance counselor will be very unhappy. D’son will be less likely to accept their students ED in the future if they have had a student skip out on their ED acceptance. I have heard that some GC offices have a policy or refuse to help students who ditch ED acceptances with their applications to other colleges. It is terrible for the high school’s reputation with college admissions offices. In some cases apparently teachers also will not do additional recs. So SS could have a hard time getting support from his school to apply elsewhere. Again… OP may not care, but SS surely does.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Dickinson is no more expensive than any other private college - so the real issues is private vs. public, not Dickinson ED vs. everywhere else. If the father wanted the son to seek out a college that would offer merit aid via RD applications, and compare awards in the spring… then the time for a father-son conversation about that subject was some time last year – not in October or December of senior year. Since the son spends half his time living in the Dad’s home, there was plenty of time for a father-son conversation about college apps and expectations.</p>
<p>I share mamwich’s take on this. I think wife #2 doesn’t like the agreement husband made years ago with wife #1, now that the time to actually pay has rolls around.</p>
<p>Obviously, nothing short of a court order can force the husband to write a check, and I don’t think that the husband has much to fear from the court process. Disputes over specific sums of money tend to be the sort of thing resolved by settlement-- so if the father can’t or won’t pay, the real issue is what his bottom line might be in settlement negotiations.</p>
<p>But he is not the one posting here in rage, badmouthing his ex and his kid. So I think he probably made a good faith agreement years ago to pay 50% of his kids’ college, basing his agreement on principal and not on dollars – and probably does not want to see his eldest son shortchanged at this point. So he’s telling his current wife that he’s bound by various agreements and there’s nothing much he can do about it, and she’s freaking out.</p>
<p>^^Yes that is how I interpreted the situation.</p>
<p>I don’t know what was/is going on in the dad’s head at the time of divorce or now.</p>
<p>Many people just aren’t that “deep thinking” and it’s very likely that when the subject of college came up, he just said that he’d pay half without thinking that private education was ever a consideration.</p>
<p>Seriously, if my H and I had divorced, he would have just automatically agreed to such without any more thought …however, that doesn’t mean that years down the road when the reality of actual costs of private colleges became an issue, he wouldn’t be saying that he never meant to agree to splitting the costs of PRIVATE education.</p>
<p>How would this ex-wife like it if the OP’s H just decided to enroll their younger child in another K-12 school? Frankly, I might just try that to make a point.</p>
<p>also…
I don’t know if when the H and his ex were married if they EVER discussed where their kids might go to college. If at some point they said things like, “I sure hope that junior can go to Flagship U,” then it could be argued that Flagship U had been the reasonable expectation at the time of the divorce agreement.</p>
<p>I don’t think that bashing the OP is helpful. Her H is the father of 4 kids. It isn’t reasonable to expect him to pay a very high price for some of his kids’ college costs, and then be in debt when the younger ones go.</p>
<p>The guidelines vary from state to state. In THIS state, the divorce agreement cannot require more than half the cost of an instate public university. Perhaps some families come to a different agreement on their own…but the max the state can REQUIRE in a court divorce settlement is 50% of the cost of a public in this state. I’m sure this varies from state to state.</p>
<p>Gotta say…we always said we would pay full price for our kids to attend any school (and we actually did). BUT there was a bit of shock when we realized just how much that really was. </p>
<p>And remember…there is no law requiring MARRIED parents to fund college costs for their kids.</p>
<p>As unappealing as the story may sound from the angle we have, the millionaire “sugar daddy” has a point of view, too. He married a woman with children, but that doesn’t carry an automatic commitment to spend his money sending those kids to fancy schools. Why should he pay through the nose to send his wife’s kids to college while the actual father of the child pays a small fraction? Because financial aid offices look at his money as though it belonged to his wife? Lack of generosity on the part of a school doesn’t create an obligation on the part of the stepdad. (Of course, it would be really nice of him to just step up and pay. But he really doesn’t have to.)</p>
<p>we always said* we would pay full price for our kids to attend any school <a href=“%5BB%5Dand%20we%20actually%20did%5B/B%5D”>/B</a>. BUT there was a bit of shock when we realized just how much that really was. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>thumper…I’m not sure what you mean by this… You’ve mentioned that your kids did receive financial aid/merit scholarships - which of course reduced the cost of their education to less than full pay. Right? In the OP’s case, there is no discounting going on. Yikes!</p>
<p>*And remember…there is no law requiring MARRIED parents to fund college costs for their kids. *</p>
<p>I agree! But, once someone “signs on the dotted line” it’s a whole different animal. I think that even if married parents signed some kind of agreement, they could be held to some kind of expectation. </p>
<p>In the OPs case, I think it would be really hard for the ex to enforce this part of the divorce decree since it is vague. I think I would just announce to the ex the amount that I WILL pay…and leave it at that. I think most reasonable judges would find in the OP’s H’s favor if he agreed to pay an amount that was half of the state school’s COA.</p>
<p>“College costs” don’t necessarily include R&B. Could he live at home while going to college? That would whack off $12K/year. I also don’t see any requirement that he be provided with a car, which has many costs, including insurance. </p>
<p>And if the attorney didn’t advise your husband about how open-ended this provision was, that’s pretty bad.</p>
<p>I think that if there is an agreement in place where both parents are responsible for paying 50% of the college costs, it is a little (imho, very) grimy for for one parent to make a unilateral decision to apply to a 50k+ school with out some input from the other parent unless that parent intended to pay the full freight themself.</p>
<p>parents should have sat down and discussed the financials of attending a particular school, last year, over the summer but definitely not now in december when an intent to enroll must be mailed back to the school in a matter of days.</p>
<p>Regarding some issues that were not brought up in the thread:</p>
<p>When it comes to giving insititutional need based aid, most schools do not care about court orders. Financial aid is given based on how much the parents can afford to pay. Not how much they are willing to pay, not how much the court says they only have to pay. Even if your agreement is to pay 50% of the cost of an in-state public, when you apply to a private school, your divorce decree and your court ordered deal does not matter to the college.</p>
<p>When it comes to the students divorced/remarried parents the schools look at the income and assets of the bio-mom and her husband and the income and assets of the biological dad and his wife. If biological mom no longer works or has no income, the college will take into consideration the extent that she is “benefitting” from her marriage adn monies paid on her behalf. They can’t make the stepdad pay it especially if he decides that he does not want to but it will most likely not lower the EFC.</p>
<p>At schools that require the profile and non custodial profile as a basis of awarding institutional aid, both of the students parents must submit one. Who submitted the profile as the custodial parent and who submitted the profile as the non-custodial parent? While the student may still have been not eligible for any need based financial aid, both families would have received a document from the school stating what their EFC is. Information on the profile and non-custodial profile is not shared with the other parent.</p>
<p>At minimum the OP and her husband should file a non-custodial profile, send it to Dickinson so that Dickinson can give them an EFC. This will </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Clear up any speculation as to how much the school is asking Dad and his wife to pay for college.</p></li>
<li><p>It will give dad and if wife an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances when it comes to their finanical picture. The family is caring for an elderly parent may be enough to warrent a change in the Dad’s EFC.</p></li>
<li><p>Dad will have something in writing from a neutral third party stating wht is “equitable” for each parnet to pay. This could be helpful if they should have to go to court or mediation.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Op mentioned that if the EFC is between 14-22k.<br>
If there were going to be a 50/50 split it would be a 50/50 split in the cost of attendance not a 50/50 split in the EFC. Keep in mind that not all schools meet 100% demonstrated need. </p>
<p>For example: If the school is 35k and your EFC is 22k and the only FA the student received was a $3500 stafford loan, both parents would have to pony up 15,750 (not counting the stafford loan) to attend this college or junior is staying home. If it is a 50k school and where the student receives a 15k scholarship and a 3500 stafford loan then the 50/50 split would be $15,750 each.</p>
<p>Whose EFC is this? Is this just the EFC for OP and her husband?<br>
Is this EFC a calculation based on the Federal Methodology (FAFSA) or is this an EFC based on the institutional methodology (Profile)? Please keep in mind that the Profile EFC will most likely be higher because it does take many mroe things into consideration.</p>
<p>Dad may find out that after filing the non-custodial profile that all of this hemming and hawing is for nothing because the school may deem that based on his and his wife’s income and assets, they would have to pay the same
25k that Op is upset about.</p>
<p>I think you need to file the profile and manage the facts. You may end up finding out that you are fighting over nothing.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No secrets here…One kid received $10,000 a year (merit only, not a nickel of need based aid), the other received $6000 (merit/need grant). Both took the maximum Stafford loans. One kid had work study. Both worked during college. We paid the rest…at schools that cost $50,000 plus per year. Yes, some merit aid but hardly significant considering the costs. AND we would have paid for them to attend these schools without the aid.</p>
<p>This OP family does not want to pay the costs of this kiddo attending Dickinson. They need to get this elephant in the room out in the open. That is that. They can’t afford to make this happen. Time to MOVE ON. Get out of the ED admission and apply to more affordable schools.</p>