When a divorce occurs it is never a win win situation. Everyone is effected especially the children.
In our circumstance after spending so much on a lawyer we had no agreement for college expenses.
Child support ended at age 18 (very mimimal) and since there was no interest from the paternal side. The mother ended up taking care of all costs of the child. Mother had lost her job and the father had over $2 million in property but cut off relations with the child and provided zero financial support. Daughter applied for financial aid and scholarships and commuted to the local state school. Despite everything child was bright and mature and cooperated with her mother (primary custodian and caregiver since father hadn’t seen the child or taken any responsibility in years. Unfortunately this happens more often then we think. Personally I feel as a parent that for life I am responsible for the child and no matter what child should feel that the love is unconditional. As a parent I would do whatever I possibly could to help them succeed. In a way everything turned out for the best because I would not want false promises of payment for college and then when the time comes no payments are made and the child’s future gets screwed. College was chosen based on what best we could do without relying on support of the father. SInce college started we have never heard from him.
Advice I would give:
Make sure you have a written agreement that explains how all costs will be split so that there is no issues. If there is no agreement a child will constantly be worried about continuing at a college or having to transfer out if tuition payments are not made. Not a good situation to be in. Also college costs should not be used as a manipulation tool to get the child to listen to one parent. Ex. If you don’t this I will stop the tuitions payment for you to go to college."
If both parents don’t have child’s best interest at heart the child is the one who suffers.
Also, if the OP is considering any college that requires both parents’ information for financial aid, then non-cooperation by either parent will prevent the OP from getting financial aid. If the parents are fighting over money, they may not want to allow their financial information to possibly leak through the CSS Profile.
If NCP has remarried and chooses not to contribute to child’s college expenses and has cutoff any financial assistance then the child should apply to schools that only require FAFSA not the CSS Profile.
CSS Profile would consider income of the NCP and step parent. Also if health insurance is also cutoff then child can get health insurance through the school they attend as well. This is how we dealt with the issues. Now there is no chance of using college funding as a manipulation tool. (which should not be done anyway) In playing manipulation games the NCP lost the respect in the eyes of the child which further hinders a chance of a healthy relationship between the two. Communication of college costs and how they will be met should be discussed even before the college search starts.
The relationship the child(ren) has with the NCP is controlled by the custodial parent. If the child has a great relationship with her father even though she doesn’t get to see him much, thank her mother for making sure that happens. If the child does not have a good relationship with the NCP, there’s only one person who had the power to determine that (and it was NOT the child or the NCP).
You cannot tell someone to conform to your idea of what a parent should be (financially) while also preventing them from being a parent otherwise (rearing the child). You cannot stake out an exclusive role as the child’s only parent and then complain about the NCP. They will see right through that hypocrisy and reject it. And the child will eventually reach adulthood and realize who has been pulling the strings all those years.
@FCCDAD … perhaps because you’re an atty, you have a different/better perspective as to the role of being a father after divorce. However, there are too many NCPs that follow the “sirens’ call” post-divorce and are not willing to be a “full parent” (time wise or money wise) post-divorce even if the ex-wife is fully amenable…
The relationship between a child and NCP has to be both ways.
If a child constantly sees meetings or plans being cancelled they develop an impression on their own after many disappointments over time. It is not always the fault of the primary care giver if the NCP has been given lets say alternate weekends and holidays and chooses not to show up or cancels last minute. Primary custodian can not force NCP to meet child when they don’t have a feeling or sense of responsibility to do so. If NCP never asks the child to visit them or shows no interest in the wellbeing how can a primary custodian force the NCP to do so?
After awhile the child gives up and relies on the one who is constantly there for them. Kids realize when they don’t even receive a call on their birthday from a NCP. After time the child loses hope and doesn’t expect anything.
You get what you put into a relationship. Primary caregiver doesn’t have to say anything about the NCP. Children as they grow up realize when words don’t match a persons actions. No parent wishes to raise a child alone. Ideally when a child is born it is with the hope that both parents will always do best that they can for the child.
I don’t think this discussion is helping the OP… you guys should start a different thread if you want to debate the impact of divorce on kids and behavior of parents in divorce situations.
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The relationship between a child and NCP has to be both ways.
If a child constantly sees meetings or plans being cancelled they develop an impression on their own after many disappointments over time. It is not always the fault of the primary care giver if the NCP has been given lets say alternate weekends and holidays and chooses not to show up or cancels last minute. Primary custodian can not force NCP to meet child when they don’t have a feeling or sense of responsibility to do so. If NCP never asks the child to visit them or shows no interest in the wellbeing how can a primary custodian force the NCP to do so?
After awhile the child gives up and relies on the one who is constantly there for them. Kids realize when they don’t even receive a call on their birthday from a NCP. After time the child loses hope and doesn’t expect anything.
You get what you put into a relationship. Primary caregiver doesn’t have to say anything about the NCP. Children as they grow up realize when words don’t match a persons actions. No parent wishes to raise a child alone. Ideally when a child is born it is with the hope that both parents will always do best that they can for the child.
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@raclut
I agree with you. I know of too many instance where the NCP suddenly either cancels a weekend visit or “shortens” the weekend visit because of dating plans or whatever. Now, sometimes the CP is flakey…absolutely. Kids can figure out WHO they can depend on…and who they can’t.
FCC, with all due respect, you are assuming that the parents’ problems and inability to work things out should damage the child (which divorce does) and his future. You speak as if it is just something that “happens” to a family - even equating it with job loss (!!) - instead of something they actively do to themselves and their kids.
Parents need to get it together and put their kids first, and themselves way down the list. Stay together and raise your kids like you vowed you would do. If you absolutely cannot do that (and most could, except they want what they want when they want it), then make financial agreements with each other like rational people and keep them. Don’t be stupid and petty enough to have to drag attorneys into it and fight battles through them. That is just financially irresponsible. It costs the thousands of dollars that you could use to send your kids to college.
I’m divorced. I want to answer the OP: It should be his/her choice. Period. You really don’t need parental help at all moving in. I myself helped my kids move in and my help was limited to driving them to their college with their stuff. I didn’t carry anything, I didn’t make any beds. I followed their leads–they are the independent sorts. My younger son is in the UK and I wasn’t involved at all except for driving him to the plane. So if the student wants, she/he doens’t have to have any parents at all, especially if it leads to discomfort and awkwardness. There are definitely students who don’t have parents with them. And in fact ‘back in the day’ it was quite common for kids to move in themselves.
But if the OP wants parents there, then she/he has a right to choose how it’s done. I don’t know if that will be possible in application but I do want to affirm the OP it’s his/her right and it’s ok to choose. It isn’t a popularity contest; it is simply what he/she wants. There are several solutions. If it’s really awkward with both there, I wouldn’t have both there if possible–this isn’t the time to worry about that or expose yourself. If possible then, I would ask one to come up during moving in day, and one to come in a day later. Hopefully, the parents will cooperate with the request. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Just tell the truth. Move-in day will be just for you, without any worries or allegations. So it’s your parents responsibility to handle this. Does your mom think that you dad isn’t going to be there? Or vice versa? I’m sure that each parent has a sense that the other parent would show up. You should try to bring this topic up to both parents somehow because you shouldn’t be the one to have to worry about this.
