My parents split up about two years ago. It was a pretty nasty divorce and now it’s basically impossible to be civil. The times they’ve had to be in the same room have been unsuccessful and very awkward for me.
I’m starting college this fall. I know each of my parents are going to want to help move me in, but I’m concerned about them being there simultaneously. What is move-in day like? Would it make sense for them to take turns or something? Can any divorced parents share their experience? Thanks so much.
Clearly, Dad does all the heavy lifting and the pressing of the flesh for the morning move, and then, at 1200, Mom takes over, helping you get sheets and everything else squared away.
Frankly, now would be a good time for your parents to learn to suck it up and exist in the same room together for your sake. They are going to have to continue to deal with each other in the future (think your graduation, your wedding, etc), so they might as well start now.
My ex and I weren’t on speaking terms when my D started college. He has a car; I don’t. He drove her up to college with all her stuff and emptied out the car. I took the train up the next morning and went to the parents’ events that day.
And, jazzcatastrophe, you have it so wrong. You don’t know what happened in this marriage. It’s easy to say “suck it up” when you have NOT been there, done that.
Many kids have moved in to college without parental help. Some of us flew to college, got ourselves into our dorms (and didn’t bring everything we owned with us), and hung up our own clothes. It can be done.
I would not try to get two people who don’t speak to each other to help on what could be a stressful day. Pick one, and the other should get to come to the first football game or parents’ weekend or to pick you up at Christmas. If you can’t decide and they won’t cooperate, flip a coin.
many colleges have their upperclassmen there to empty the car and get the items to your room. Maybe you can go wit just one parent and invite the other to come then next day or weekend when the room is set up.
Does your school offer orientation during the summer? One divorced couple I know had one parent accompany student to the summer orientation and the other apparent accompanied for move-in day. The number and types of activities hosted by colleges for move-in vary tremendously by school. Some schools send parents packing by 4pm of move-in day while others host convocation the day after move-in day.
The OP probably has to manage delicate political maneuvering here, since anything that can be perceived as favoring one parent over the other could trigger more nastiness. To the extent that such nastiness can cause the parents to fight over the OP’s college funding (as in, each trying to get out of his/her share, or possible withdrawal of financial aid form cooperation), there is considerable risk to the OP.
Tell them you really want both of them to help you move in, but that you’re anxious about the situation and afraid their bickering will add to an already stressful event.
I think the idea of splitting days/events is good if that option is available. Otherwise, if they can’t be civil to one another, I second the flip a coin suggestion - one goes to move-in, the other to parents weekend. They either behave or miss out.
I went through a nasty divorce, but my ex and I moved both our kids into college without incident. No matter what one parent did to the other, this day isn’t about them, it’s about you. They need to focus on the one thing they still share - their love for you - and put your feelings first.
A divorced mom here too. My divorce wasn’t nasty, but I would prefer not to be in the same room with my kids dad also. We try to talk it out (via email) to figure out who should be where. Few weeks ago he took our younger daughter back to school because he was better at lifting. I am going to go up there for a girl’s weekend at a spa.
I know OP’s situation is a bit different because it is a more significant event. If both of them want to be there, they can come different days. Dad comes for the move in day and you have dinner that night. Moms comes next day help with decorating what not and you have dinner with her the following day.
You are getting to be an adult now. You have the right not to be involved with your parents pettiness. If they should behave badly in front you, I would ask them to leave or you should leave. After a while they will either behave or not get to see be at your important events. Parents are people too, you can teach them how to behave. My younger kid had told both of us that she didn’t want us to talk about each other in front of her. We never said anything bad about each other, but she didn’t even want us to ask her how the other person is doing. I think it is silly, but I am honoring hthat because her feelings are important to me.
One thing I will bring to your attention is if one parent is paying for your college tuition (not clearly spelled out in the divorce paper), that parent may hold all the cards while you are in school. I hope your parent(s) won’t hold it over your head.
My ex and I weren't on speaking terms when my D started college. He has a car; I don't. He drove her up to college with all her stuff and emptied out the car. I took the train up the next morning and went to the parents' events that day.
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And, jazzcatastrophe, you have it so wrong. You don’t know what happened in this marriage. It’s easy to say “suck it up” when you have NOT been there, done that.
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Yes, this can be the case. Each marriage and divorce can be very different and the terms that the marriage ended can be forever upsetting. A woman I know is currently going thru this. Her divorce is final this month after discovering her H had been in a long affair, and had been hiding money and obviously spending money on his GF. Their D is a senior in HS and will be facing the same "move in " and “parents weekend” issues. I doubt the mom could be civil if she were forced to spend time in a small dorm room with her soon-to-be ex…and it would be worse if he brought along his GFF…which he probably would do to further annoy.
I agree that if both parents insist that they want to “help” and will “use” such occasions to see if the child is “choosing sides” then either split the time/duties (see if one has a preference)…and do so with Parents Weekend as well. In the end you may find that both may want to be at both occasions, but one may later decide to “bow out” of one or the other.
^ This is how two close friends handled it. It depends on whether the student is male or female, I think. The dad took the son, they had time together. A few weeks later, the mom visited, they had time together. Both parents felt they got what they wanted. Dad, because he was there the first day,and Mom, because she had a bit more time, none of the admin things or lifting. Other pair were parents of girls. Mom took her, Dad visited soon after.
OP, nice for you that both parents want to be there. It should be about you, but it can’t always be. Come up with ways to make it special for each of them, ways it also works for you. Best wishes.
The OP said “I know that” as opposed to “they both said” in regards to wanting to help on move in day. I’d suggest that you head them off at the pass, and decide who you want to see when. If you just don’t want to alienate either of them, and you feel move in day at college is really important, spend half of the day with one and half of the day with the other.
As for “what is move in day like?” it depends on the college. Where I went, there were thousands of kids moving in at once, so the main problem would be if you needed both parents to wait in your room together. You don’t get more than one key to your room, so you either risk getting something stolen or have to pass the key around if you have three people.
They both might want to appear interested in helping you, but they might not want to help, especially if they are afraid of seeing each other.
Are both going to your HS graduation? Do you see both on major holidays? How it has been handled in the past can inform you about how you should handle it in the future. If the major goal is that they not see each other, they both have to be understanding enough that you ask one to leave so you can see the other.
A significant number of students fly or take a train or bus, and some have belongings shipped. You could move in on your own if you felt it would be the best way to not alienate either of them. But I would definitely call the college in that case, to see if they have volunteers helping people move.
(of course, if the divorce is final and they are not contributing equally to your college, you might want to defer to whoever is paying more, ask them what they want to do)
PS - my father did not go to my HS graduation, my mother did not go to my college graduation. And they were still married. It was not the end of the world. When it comes down to it, move in day is not a big deal, and most people still get and send back stuff as they realize what they do and don’t need.
Are you sure they will both want to go? My kids went pretty far away to school – I drove one, flew with the other. My ex, their dad, certainly didn’t want to travel with us. He also ducked out of D1’s college graduation (I booked a room for him, but in the last month before graduation he cancelled).
At both colleges my kids attended move in started Saturday morning. There was a lunch that parents were invited to. At one school there was a convocation in the afternoon and students were instructed to give their parents a big hug and parents were instructed to go home. At the other college the speeches happened over or immediately after lunch and we were asked to take our kids out for one last dinner and then there were dorm meetings after dinner.