<p>Honestly, my initial reaction to hearing of my daughter being (hypothetically) invited to an alumni interview at someone’s house isn’t “OMG, I’m afraid she’ll be assaulted.” It’s “I’m surprised the interviewer doesn’t recognize that this isn’t such a smart idea these days to hold it in a non-public place.” I freely admit that part of this is due to H’s profession where he has to take precautions because any patient, at any time, could claim he was up to no good in the exam room, but my first thought is about the interviewer’s judgment, not about any real risk to my D. IOW, I’d let her go because I don’t think the risks are meaningful, but all else being equal, I’d still say it would be a better judgment call on the part of the interviewer to find a public place. I don’t know where some of you all live, but I have to say, in my little corner of suburbia, a Starbucks or Caribou Coffee with plenty of room for a reasonably-private conversation can be found on every corner and would be convenient to all.</p>
<p>The argument that a student might be “intimidated” walking into an office building or a coffee shop doesn’t hold water with me. If a student can’t handle walking into an office building and pressing the elevator button and making sufficient small talk with the office staff to meet with Mr. Bob Alumni in Mr. Bob’s office as previously scheduled, then he’s not ready for college. Similarly, it’s basic social skills to be able to meet someone for coffee / a soft drink / etc. If you can’t figure out whether you should buy your soft drink or not, well, no time like the present to figure it out. C’mon. If kids can’t handle those situations, how would they handle on-campus interviews?</p>
<p>In the case of my alma mater, students are given the contact information of the alum interviewer and are the ones responsible for calling to arrange an interview within a designated time frame. I always thought they did this as a matter of convenience for the student and perhaps as some kind of screen for the student’s level of interest but it may also be done as a (reasonable) security precaution. </p>
<p>OP, I am so sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your son.</p>
<p>What I find fascinating about this is that, as usual in discussions about the level of “protectiveness” of our children, there is implicit or explicit criticism, if not downright hostility, toward parents who choose to exercise due diligence over their 17year olds. I don’t see the same level of hostility by parents who exercise caution toward the parents who don’t. It truly makes me wonder how some adults view minors, and, had I younger children to raise, would make me even more suspicious of what exactly goes on in the minds of some adults, who seem to blur boundaries between minors and adults, what is legal and not legal, etc.</p>
<p>OP posted again yesterday at #177 that she was going to provide her daughter with the “benefit” of this thread discussion and let her daughter decide about the interview this weekend.</p>
<p>Thumbs up to OP!</p>
<p>Condolences about your son. I asked my ex-SIL about the career decisions her three sons made out of HS in the last 7 years–urban policeman, Marine, Marine. Her answer–love them, hug them and let them go live their lives.</p>
<p>OP, I too am sorry for the tragic loss of your son. If I were in your shoes, I’d be very cautious too.</p>
<p>Does your daugher feel comfortable with the interview arrangement? If so, I’d suggest have your daughter contact her interviewer and let him know that her parent is not comfortable with the interview arrangement and request a change in location. I think such a request is perfectly fine. After all she is still a minor under your watch, so you do have a say in this!</p>
<p>What specifically are you accusing posters of this board of, mummom? Don’t be coy. If you have an accusation, make it. </p>
<p>BTW, I agree that it’s not necessarily the smartest of choices on the part of the interviewer, and that the public place is the better play-it-safe option. I just don’t feel that the absolute risk is so high as to prohibit my child from doing it.</p>
<p>I could drive my daughter downtown every single Sunday, an hour there and an hour back, and sit and cool my heels for 5 hours in between, to “save” her from the risk of public transportation (train into busy station and 2 buses) to her volunteer work. That would be the “safer” choice. But I don’t feel that the absolute risk of something happening to her on public transportation is so high as to prohibit her from doing it, and I think there is benefit in having her make her own way in this world, too.</p>
<p>How many parents here let their children sleep over other people’s house without even knowing the family? Most people in this country do it, it is as American as apple pie. I, on the other hand, don’t think it’s safe. You may know the kid, or even parents from school, but do you really know all the relatives or half siblings who may come in and out while your child is there?</p>
<p>"It truly makes me wonder how some adults view minors, and, had I younger children to raise, would make me even more suspicious of what exactly goes on in the minds of some adults, who seem to blur boundaries between minors and adults, what is legal and not legal, etc. "</p>
<p>whoa…A moment for reflection. AM I IN FACT A POTENTIAL CHILD MOLESTER?!</p>
<p>In this scenario, most posters seem to see the level of risk as relatively low, which perhaps is why there is less commentary towards parents who seem to be more comfortable with this level of risk. Due diligence is reasonable. Undue or or overreaction seems to be what some posters are reacting to. If the question was whether a parent should, for example, allow a 17 yr old girl to go unchaperoned to a weekend sporting event out of town with her male coach, the responses might have differed as the level of risk is higher. In terms of basic probabilities, the risk of the in home interview, regardless of the applicant’s school, is relatively low. For those parents who are comfortable with risk only approximating zero, then this risk might seem too high. Given the OP’s tragic loss of her son (my deepest sympathies) it is understandible that her comfort level/desire to protect might be higher.</p>
<p>As an aside, my H went through a ton of “risk management” training in conjunction with aa volunteer scout leadership position. For my volunteer alumnae interview offer, I had no “vetting”. I emailed my willingness in rsponse to a request for need in our area, and was asked to interview. I guess for all they know I could be a serial killer.</p>
<p>Just because you can imagine something horrible happening doesn’t mean there is an actual risk of something horrible happening. You should make decisions based upon your reasonable expectation of what might happen rather than wild imagination of what could possibly happen.</p>
<p>Thinking that you “know the family” and therefore you’re somehow able to suss out who the bad guys are and who the good guys are is silly, though. Really, child molesters don’t all walk around in their underwear carrying copies of Hustler magazine and scratching themselves. It can be comforting to think that you have “bad-guy radar,” but such is not the case. There are plenty of people from good homes with good backgrounds and good jobs and the like who do bad things. </p>
<p>The man who molested me as a teenager was someone my family knew. Had known for several years. Vacationed with my family. We stayed in their house when our electricity went out. Etc. There was no signal of trouble that could have been sussed out – until it happened. It’s a false sense of security to think that “knowing” someone makes a difference.</p>
<p>My son had a friend in Cub Scouts whose house he went over and who came over our house to play. The mother and the father were as nice and pleasant and ordinary as can be. As it turned out, the mother – who worked as a librarian in a neighboring school district – wound up having seduced several teenage boys and was tried and put in jail for years. You never would have known. She was as ordinary and pleasant as they come. Sorry, I find it wishful thinking to think that these trouble situations can be sussed out in advance.</p>
<p>I served as an alumni interviewer for quite a few years. I preferred to do the interviews at my law office; however, there were students who preferred to interview at my home due to geographic proximity. It never occurred to me that there might be anything inappropriate with that arrangment. I suppose this is due to the fact that I never considered the interview as anything other than what it was intended to be.</p>
<p>“How many parents here let their children sleep over other people’s house without even knowing the family? Most people in this country do it, it is as American as apple pie. I, on the other hand, don’t think it’s safe. You may know the kid, or even parents from school, but do you really know all the relatives or half siblings who may come in and out while your child is there?”</p>
<p>My mom strongly suspects something happened to my sister at a sleepover. She had spoken to the father beforehand and he said his wife would be home the whole time, so my mom figured it was okay, she’d gone to school with this kid forever and all the other kids moms were letting them go. My mom got an awful feeling during the night and almost went to get her but didn’t, she didn’t think anything in particular was happening but she just got this feeling of dread that woke her during the night. When she went to get her the next morning it turns out dad had been home alone with the girls the entire time, and my sister behaved very strangely after that and never really went back to normal but wouldn’t say anything about it. We’ll never really know what happened.</p>
<p>I am one that would not go to a home interview. It is not that I suspect every man I see of being a rapist or anything of the sort. I view an interview as a professional situation, no matter what the interview is for, especially when it is with a stranger, and for that reason I think it is inappropriate to be required to have the interview in the home. To suggest that somehow makes me unprepared for college or for being in the working world, I think, is delusional. I have had at least a dozen interviews in the last year, some in offices and some in public places. Being in public with strangers is a LOT more likely than being required to show up at their front door. How anyone can suggest that being “paralyzed with fear” over whether or not to buy a drink for their interviewer is less of a big deal than not wanting to go into a strangers home is ludicrous to me. The fact that I also am not comfortable going into the homes of strangers just adds to the situation. It’s not necessarily that I think there is a strong chance that someone is going to hurt me, but it is just not something that I believe people should have to do, and something I choose not to do. I really see no reason why you should ever have to go into a strangers home if you are uncomfortable with it. This does not mean I would not go into an office building or take public transportation, I do that all the time, but that is different from a stranger’s home. I would not be comfortable with someone telling me I have to step off neutral territory with a stranger regardless of my comfort with it. I just don’t think that’s right. And where do we draw the line? Do I get in the car with the interviewer? I mean, why not, it’s crazy to assume he wants to harm me! You may think there’s absolutely no reason to get in the car with him and that’s why it would be a bad idea, but I think there’s absolutely no justifiable reason for me to be required to go into his house, either.</p>
<p>Let’s see: I’ve been background checked for: teaching, Sunday school teaching, Cub Scouts. As we all know, people who have bad intentions toward minors put themselves in situations where they will be near them. How is volunteering to be an alumni interviewer any different? As someone wisely mentioned previously, perhaps background checks for these people would help relieve some of the anxiety. In the case of my S’s home interview, it was a dark, 20 something degree January night. There was over a foot of snow on the ground. The house was in an isolated location. The gentleman was a single thirty-something. So he volunteered to interview for Bowdoin. He graduated in the eighties. When was the last time a Bowdoin administrator even met him? So yes, we googled him (all was could find was that he was in the recording industry), we took a test drive to his area (and it was extremely difficult to find) and both my S and I decided that it would be best if I drove him and waiting freezing in the car down the road until the interview was over. We considered long and hard asking him to move the interview to a public venue. But as, again, someone mentioned above, we feared that might jeopardize the interview (as indeed it might, judging by comments here that not going to an interviewer’s home shows the student is “not ready for college”). Frankly, I seriously wondered about the judgment of this guy to hold the interview in his home on such a night, which naturally led to some “paranoid” suspicions about possible intentions.</p>
<p>I’m not accusing anyone here of anything. I just think it’s curious that the hostility seems to flow in one direction only.</p>
<p>Mummom… you left out the most important part of your story? How did the interview go? Did your suspicions or paranoia play out? </p>
<p>And can I just say that when we talk about molesting and other things… there is usually relationship building going on (trust, etc) BEFORE inappropriate behavior is initiated. A college interview is typically a one time meeting lasting about an hour. While I would agree that if a parent feels uncomfortable, the parent could easily wait in the car or even down the road (but that seems silly to not just wait right there and read a book), but overall we’re not talking about a long term relationship here.</p>
<p>Certainly you can decline the interview if you’re too weirded out, but I don’t think of all the things to worry about in the education and security of our children, this should be ruffling nearly as many feathers. And still… there hasn’t been one poster of inappropriate conduct on any kind of alumni interview… although the same named alumni butting into the conversation/interview came close. :)</p>
<p>Background checks for alumni interviewers? Where is this world coming to? That would be the kiss of death for alumni interviewing. Since many people feel it is a worthless endeavor anyway – and it just costs the college money and alumni time – maybe it is time to abolish this tradition.</p>
<p>Some alumni interviewers meet with one student a year. For that you are going to ask them to go to the police station and have their fingerprints checked?</p>
<p>Again, if you are uncomfortable going to the person’s home and they cannot for whatever reason arrange an alternative location, do a phone interview. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?</p>
<p>“Frankly, I seriously wondered about the judgment of this guy to hold the interview in his home on such a night, which naturally led to some “paranoid” suspicions about possible intentions.”</p>
<p>Maybe it was the only time he had to interview. People who do things like this are busy.</p>