My best friend asked me if I have depression today. Never in my life I have thought about that.
Sometimes I told people I am tired and school is hard, but just whining like every other kids. I never address my serious concerns or difficult time to anyone, including my best friends. I feel they going to think I overreact or make excuse for my failure.
Now I think about it, I start to wonder if I have depression. Everyday I think a thousand way I could die. I googled how to hurt myself. Yet I am a coward. I am afraid of pain so I don’t cut myself. I keep thinking about burning charcoal in my dorm room because it may be one of the most peaceful way to release myself. I used to do well in school. My GPA was 3.8. Last fall I started to get mostly Cs in my classes. Since then I didn’t feel like going to school or do anything. I don’t even want to get out of bed or take a shower or wash my face. I stopped talking to my friends and my roommates. This semester I failed one class and I’m trying to pass another class which I am having only 65% right now. I thought of talking to my professor and asking if I can get at least a C. I know it is not fair. I never did that before in my life.
I am an international student. If my GPA below 2.0 I am going to be in probation and can’t go home, or my visa gets cancelled. Is it weird that I am not very scared of that? The only thing that made me want to talk to the professor is that I can’t come back home and stay with my mom if I ever get deported. I feel like it will just make me want to disappear faster. I have zero concern about my grade and my future at this time. Should I take a break? Is this normal? Or I am overreacting and making excuse for myself? Honestly I don’t even trust myself.
Go to the counseling center. They may be able to help you get a medical withdrawal if you are found to have depression. Even if not, you’ll be starting the steps towards feeling better.
Everything you describe is symptomatic of depression. The fact that you have contemplated self harm and methods of suicide mean that you need help now. Go today to the campus mental health center. If they try to make you wait for an appointment, tell them that it is an emergency and that you need to be seen today. Once you have been assessed by professionals and have begun an appropriate treatment plan, you can begin to focus on the academic issues. You may be able to take a medical leave of absence (including a medical withdrawal from your current courses), which can preserve your GPA. At this point, your mental health and well being need to take first priority.
It might be a good idea to visit the campus counseling center and talk over your concerns. There are many services available to college students to get them through this tough patch. Your paying for these services and should feel free to accept them.
Have you looked into narcissism and cluster B personality disorders? You’re in college, so you’re trying to do something important with your life. You’re not a loser.
“Last fall I started to get mostly Cs in my classes. Since then I didn’t feel like going to school or do anything. I don’t even want to get out of bed or take a shower or wash my face. I stopped talking to my friends and my roommates”
If I hear this the first thing I think of is depression. Your friends are saying you might have depression.
TODAY go to your college counseling center and talk to them.
Seek help, I cant stress how much I regret not seeking help when I was in your shoes (see my post) I basically delayed my life a few years cause I was too prideful to seek help. Also it might sound cliche , but have you tried working out? When I was at one of the worse points at my life, working out changed me completely, it taught me discipline and made me feel pretty damn good about myself walking around with my hard work stretching my shirts. It doesnt have to be working out also, it can be any other activity that you can feel passionate about. Take it step by step, know that you are worth a lot and are fortunate to be in your position compared to what other people have to suffer through. PM me if you need any help about gym stuff, or if you just want to talk.