Do I Sound Like A Coccky Jerk here?

College Essays
1

<p>I want someone to read my essay and tell me if I sound like a jerk or come off arrogant or bad as well as giving me any and all advice possible.</p>

<p>heres the essay basically the propmt is to write an autobiographical essay in less than 500 words, its for LMU.</p>

<p>I’m Probably The Only Person Who…</p>

<p>When I first decided to address this optional portion of my Loyola Marymount University Application I was unsure of what to say. After drawing a blank for quite some time, I was almost sure there was nothing exceptionally interesting to say about myself. That’s when I decided the best way to get started would be to complete the following sentence. “I’m probably the only person at my school who…” After that the rest of this essay seemed simple. Here are a few of the things that I came up with:
The first thing I thought of was where I came from. I don’t think there’s a single other student at my school, or even my entire school district who has been to three different schools, in three different counties, in two different countries.
I was born and raised in Toronto, Canada till the age of fifteen when I moved to Marin County, California, and then a year later to Dublin, California where I currently reside. Furthermore, my parents are both of Egyptian decent having lived there until they got married and immigrated to Canada to escape religious persecution from a predominantly Islamic nation, as well as give their future children a better quality of life. That makes me a Canadian-Egyptian living in the United States as well as one of the most cultured students at my school.
Moreover, I’d like to say that I’m one of a very small group of students who actually has a passion for what they would like to study in college. Since a very young age I’ve wanted nothing more than to be in the medical research industry. This vast interest of mine has been nurtured by my parents, both of whom have been in different sectors of the pharmaceutical industry for over 25 years. Growing older I began to see scientific research more as an adventure than anything else; as a ten year old I pictured myself as a young explorer, documenting groundbreaking discoveries and uncharted territory in the world of medicine. Now that I’m a fully grown seventeen year old, I like to think that I’ve done all that is within my power to expand my horizons with regards to research with still more to be done on the way. Regardless of difficulty I’ve broadened my perspective with a variety of science and math courses throughout high school and have done all I can to keep myself challenged.
Finally, unlike most I know for certain exactly which university I’d like to attend this fall; that university being Loyola Marymount. Everyday I ask myself, “Where else could a student find a breathtaking ocean view campus in the heart of one of the worlds boldest and most vibrant cities?” “Which other university abides by such a high set of moral Christian values and is filled to the rim with a diverse group of students?” LMU has been the first and only name that comes to mind every time I’ve asked myself that question since last May when I visited.
I feel that with a colorful background such as mine, coupled with the future plan I have laid out for myself, Loyola Marymount will be a perfect fit for me and I look forward to nothing more than to spend an amazing four years there beginning this fall.</p>

2

<p>yes.
you do.</p>

3

<p>agreed with ace.</p>

<p>Although you didn’t intend to, you come off a bit cocky in your intro. “Moreover, I’d like to say that I’m one of a very small group of students who actually has a passion for what they would like to study in college.” </p>

<p>Also this seems too impersonal and sounds like an dissertation.</p>

<p>I think most of the assumed arrogance stems from the formal diction.</p>

<p>Maybe personalize it a bit and take a more creative approach to your introduction?</p>

4

<p>I agree with both the above posters. There were parts of the essay I liked towards the end, but I would try to make it a little less formal and “cocky.”</p>

5

<p>my guess is that Loyola Marymount has received more than a few applications from children of Egyptian parents raised in Canada who moved to California. You need to explain why is that important for us to know. How exactly did that shape you into the person you are? </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Be specific. What have you done that makes medical research such a passion?</p>

<p>Finally, nobody cares about how hard it was for you to write the essay or what process you came up with to organize the essay. Ditch the first paragraph and use the space to tell us more about you.</p>

6

<p>Agreed ^. Only 500 words. Don’t need to waste the first 150 odd</p>