Hey. I started writing my college essay. Already finished and i asked my sister to read it over and she said it makes me look like a jerk. I don’t know what else to write about, and would hate to write a new essay. Wanted to know other opinions! This is the prompt i did from common app… Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Ill post a brief summary.
When i was an 8th grader going into high school my family and I went on vacation to India during the summer. My sister and i played a prank because we were so bored. We basically poured a bucket on water on a homeless kid off of the roof. We were selfish kids. I know. i felt so bad after that.I still do feel horrible. I went into detail about how childless and what i learned after that.
Also sorry for not posting in the college essay thread. I felt like this would be the fastest way to get help. I am kinda running out of time and need this essay to be done and good soon!! Thanks soo much!
@JustOneDad I’m just curious and trying to learn more about college apps, but why would it be seen as bad if he showed how he has changed from that behavior and how bad he felt?
Not to pile on, but that is a horrible scenario to contemplate and I don’t know how you could overcome the mental image that the admissions committee will have when they read it.
Don’t write about it unless you can demonstrate how you actually PERFORMED SOMETHING positive/constructive after learning from your shameful act. To simply state that u feel bad about it now-- so what??? Talk is cheap.
Thanks for the response guys. Seems like I should write about something else. I thought this was a good idea, b/c it did really make me view life different and made me grow up.
sorry @gnocchiB . Did not mean anyone to feel depressed after reading this !
OP, I think it could work but YES, you do look like a jerk because what you have given us is very poorly written. You need to come in at the angle of transition to adulthood from childhood. Everyone has done something mean to someone. In 5th grade my best friend bent over a puddle to pick something up and I pushed her in. I have no idea why I did it. In one second it was funny and in the next it was horrifying. If you can capture this moment of awakening to the suffering of others against your personal entertainment in your essay you’re golden. But “I felt bad” isn’t cutting it, not by a long shot. Try again.
First, I don’t think it made you look like a jerk (or let’s put it this way, I’m not sure that’s the term I would use). Some of the strongest essays are about making a mistake and learning from it. The problem I have is that the situation is extremely trite and it’s hard for me to imagine that pouring water over someone’s head led to a profound re-evaluation of your core principles.
Now if you threw rocks at a kid and he ran away and in the process got run over by a train, or you bullied a kid who then tried to commit suicide, or you lied about something that caused a kid to get beat up by his dad, I can see some things staying with you and creating guilt that might cause a profound shift in perspective.
A few years ago, a mom told me about a dog that lived across the street from them. The dog was always tied up at the side gate and never brought in. 24/7. He would bark at the kids, so the family had surgery so the dog could no longer bark. Finally, he just lay there day after day, doing nothing, until after x-number of years he died. When the mom told me, I thought how could she let that happen? She said she felt bad. But why didn’t she report it? She walked her dog passed the wretched beast day after day. To this day I remember it. Now that story has repercussions.
It’s just hard to take your story too seriously (for me, anyway) in terms of a profound life-altering moment, even though you felt guilt. Maybe that’s what your sister meant.
Thanks. I still want to write about it, but also don’t want to take the chance of this ruining my chance into getting into college. When it is supposed to help me get in. I don’t want to take the risk. I don’t have the best GPA so I am depending a little on this. Which is why i picked something personal. Never even told anyone about this other than my sister’s and you guys. Will have to see what my teachers says. But the majority of you guys are saying no.
So college essays are not about your own catharsis or therapy session for things you haven’t revealed to the world before. The goal is to try to get them to want you on campus. The prompts make it SOUND like they want your innermost secrets, but something that puts you in a bad light as a starting point, and also doesn’t seem like a life changing event to those looking from the outside doesn’t seem like a good choice.
People write about all kinds of things – weird hobbies, one of my kids wrote about attempting to imitate a famous literary figure for a period of several years, one of my other kids wrote about her long term commitment to leaning a foreign language (many years). Your goal is to let the admissions committee know more about you as a person, hopefully more about a side they would like to have on campus.
@intparent
Ok thanks for the response! Going to start brain storming for new ideas.
I used too collect legos and would make them reenact scenes from the star wars movies. I don’t know how i would write an college essay on that but it would be fun to write about.
I would say NO to the essay because it really does not work for me, it doesn’t show how you transitioned. Yeah it was a while ago but it just makes me sick that you did that to a homeless kid (not trying to put extra pressure/guilt on you because we all have our silly moments). For you to make this to REALLY work you have to be incredibly apologetic and to kind of make the reader have empathy on you so much so that he/she would forget about the initial deed. If that is kind of difficult to do, you can use someone else’s experience, maybe your siblings or someone close or you could make something up. The story must not yours because most times our stories don’t get us to where we want.You mentioned how you don’t want to write a new essay, I totally get you but just calm down and write a better essay because essays are what distinct you from others, and most times they are taken more seriously than you actually think, it is like the interactive medium between the writer and reader.
Echoing off of others, it makes you look kinda bad, especially considering you were (probably) a Freshman. I think you could make it work if you had a revelation after the event and started a charity. I like the Lego thing because it is unique, passionate (not resume-boosting in an obvious way), and if you craft it correctly you can show the lessons learned through your hobby.
You could talk about how the attention for detail from the reenactment bleeds into your daily life, or how you always strove to make the difficult scenes because it challenged you (these are just examples; try to find your own genuine thoughts). I’ve sent essays to boarding schools, leadership programs, etc., and I always try to make a daily life event into something bigger and far more important.
For example, one of the essay questions asked about a leader in your life. While many might’ve selected Gandhi or Mandela or another modern hero, I chose to focus on my soccer teammate.
Ad lib:
“Bob” was the runt of the litter. Easily the smallest, slowest, and weakest player on our team, he had a golden heart. Bob flashed his golden smile on and off the field, cheering on his more fortunate peers even when they got demoted, never giving up despite a lack of opportunity. etc. includes golden a few more times (Basically he taught me to look around for leaders instead of looking up. Anyone can be a leader…)
