<p>My brother went to school OOS, stayed to work for a firm there a year. Then he moved everything he owned home to moms and left on a eurail pass for several months traveling across Europe, staying in hostiles, pondering life I suppose. He finally called home saying he’d gotten a job with an English architect in Sweden and he wasn’t coming back. He didn’t speak Swedish, know a soul, or have anywhere to live. That was 25yrs ago. He now owns his own firm, teaches graduate glasses at their university and brings students to the states on travel abroad trips. He’s had contracts with Disney and ikea, and travels the world. My mother has missed him but has never been sad and has celebrated his journey, supporting whatever he wanted. A less secure woman would have put some guilt for him to stay close as my mother isn’t married. Not my mom! I miss him terribly and certainly wish the boys saw their uncle more. In him they see anything is possible and the world is a big place, open to them. We go seldom, but he visits us when we are in Denmark with DHs family. </p>
<p>Being close as a family isn’t always about proximity. Sometimes it’s giving each other the space and freedom to do what’s right in your life and supporting that. I’ve known families that saw each other weekly that could not have been more distant once you cracked the surface.</p>
<p>My husband and I have each lived thousands of miles away from our parents/extended families for our entire adult lives, about 35-40 years. We live on the west coast because of the climate and natural beauty, but we sacrificed a lot in the bargain; our child hardly knew his grandparents or cousins, and we’ve missed out on a lifetime of birthday parties, holiday get-togethers, just day to day relationships. I would do it differently if there were a rewind button. It’s isolating and more lonely than it needed to be. </p>
<p>Our son goes to school close-by, so I understand that he might want to try a new city after graduation. I like the idea of being gone for just a couple of years but then coming back. While I would never tell him that I want him to stay in the area, I also would never actively encourage him to leave. IMO, independence comes with a high a price.</p>
<p>One went to college ~2 hours from home, has lived ~ 4500 miles away since finishing in 2003. The other went to UG ~1200 miles away, is now in grad school where the first went to UG, but I am sure she will not stay in that area. H and I plan to retire near the first child, H’s home country.</p>
<p>I left Boston for FL when the worm was little and I was tired of au pairs. No one could be better babysitters than my folks. Enough family had moved to FL so there were holidays and parties and other relatives dropping by for visits. The price I paid was in career, not working in a college and hospital setting, which I liked more than anything, and having the best colleagues.</p>
<p>D has a job in the city where she went to college. Most of her friends from college are the same way - they all came from out-of-state, found jobs in the city, and are planning to stay there for a while.</p>
<p>I can’t blame her/them - it’s a great place to live, exciting, vibrant, lots to do. I’m sure our old staid suburban homestead looks pretty ho-hum in comparison. For now I am consoled that she lives within easy driving distance - but I do like oldfort’s solution.</p>
<p>Reality of situation is once parents start getting old, it is practical and necessary to have someone (child) nearby to help out. It is easy for siblings who have moved away to expect closer siblings (relatives) to pick up the slack. Some may feel they are doing their bit if they just offer to pay for certain services for their parents, but often it is not a money issue, it is time and emotional drain. Yes, it is nice that people should feel free to be where they want to be, but they also need to participate for the care of their parents when the time comes. My parents are getting to that age, and I am the one who has decided to move back to be closer to them.</p>
<p>Older s has lived in 3 states since he graduated college. Is now likely to stay where he is, in part for job opportunities and in part of the GF. He is also applying to grad school.</p>
<p>Younger s happens to still be in the city where he attended college, but because the best of the job offers he got happened to be there. Doubt he’ll stay there.</p>
<p>I agree oldfort. While my brother lives closer to my folks, maybe because I am the girl/nurse in the family, I am the one who arranged in home help for them and I keep check on those doctor visits. We live in the same town my inlaws lived and my husband was the designated child. For many years, until they both passed, he (and me but less so) were on call 24 hrs. As their health declined, there were numerous visits to the ER. Managing aging parents is a reality of our generation and will be in our kid’s generation.</p>
<p>Oldfort, So would you suggest that my brother move his entire life back to the states to help care for his mother, or that I resent that he won’t be here? That’s not the way we operate. My brother was/is a gay man living in the south in the mid-late 1980’s coming out of college where society was telling him he was not welcome. He found a place in this world where he is happy, has been in a monogamous relationship longer then most marriages, and is part of a society that is much more accepting and open about sexuality. The US has come a long way in the last 25 years, but not that far. I would no more ask him to move his entire life back to a country that discriminates against his sexual orientation in overt and insidious ways simply in the name of duty to family then I would expect someone to make such personal choices for me. It is not always so cut and dry and without knowing the inner workings of a family it’s very hard to judge what works for them and why each member is at peace with how things operate.</p>
<p>blueiguana - I am not suggesting for your family to do anything. You are the one who needs to be at peace with your role and your brother’s role in taking care of your parents. As long as you are fine being the caretaker then who am I to say anything? But someone needs to play that role. Since my kids were born, it has not been about me for a long time. It was about them when they were little, and now it is about my parents.</p>
<p>blueiguana, oldfort didn’t suggest that. Rather, it is up to kids to figure out who is going to be “the go to” person when parents age. Managing my inlaws decline was pretty consuming since they both degraded at the same time but with entirely different health issues. If we hadn’t lived near them, my husband would have had to travel probably monthly for over 4 years since their issues were so complicated. Elderly people can degrade so fast it can make your head spin. Someone has to be ready.</p>
<p>Our society is so mobile these days, and people change jobs and relocate far more often than a generation ago. I’ve considered relocating if both kids end up in the same area, but there is always the high probability that one or both of them would move again. </p>
<p>I hope not to be a burden on my kids. I hope they put me in a nice home :)</p>
<p>I managed my dad and his affairs (with help of casemanagers and caregivers) long distance for 8 years. No fun. Sibling was physically closer but totally useless. And dad wanted to stay in his home, as was his right.</p>
<p>When we get older, do we really expect our children to uproot their lives and move thousands of miles to be closer to us so that they can provide care? In older times people didn’t move around so much and by necessity extended families provided care. I would much rather be able to provide for myself, perhaps through something like a continuing care retirement community, than force my children to uproot themselves at a time when they may be at their peak earning years, have to find new jobs wherever I happen to live, put their kids in new schools, just because I may need care.</p>
<p>I’m sorry if I came across harshly. I spend a lot of time defending my brother being away. Families are complicated. I have always considered myself an only child in respect to ‘taking care of my mom’, being listed on her bank accounts, etc. She is a very forward thinking person and has moved to a retirement community that moves on to assisted living, and then nursing care. Everything is paid for up front. It sounded a bit ‘hinkie’ to me, however her financial advisor who is nationally known (radio talk show and author) has assured me this is the real deal. She will make the majority of decisions herself long before they are critical. I’ll just be there as a supporting role to make sure those wishes are carried out, that she’s comfortable and happy. It certainly doesn’t make the process of caring for an aging parent ‘easy’, but it makes it ‘easier’ when decisions have been made in advance, you’re not worried about how to pay, and where the best facility is, etc. That is a gift to me.</p>
<p>“When we get older, do we really expect our children to uproot their lives and move thousands of miles to be closer to us so that they can provide care? In older times people didn’t move around so much and by necessity extended families provided care. I would much rather be able to provide for myself, perhaps through something like a continuing care retirement community, than force my children to uproot themselves at a time when they may be at their peak earning years, have to find new jobs wherever I happen to live, put their kids in new schools, just because I may need care.”</p>
<p>Not me. They need to live their own lives and I would not want to be a burden.</p>
<p>The fact is Pizzagirl, most people suffer from this thing called Denial. It is the same reason those who are old havn’t purchased their burial plots yet. Which means they are leaving this honor to their children. I can’t tell you how many times I have pulled out the phone book in the ER to help a child plan this stage for their passed parent. </p>
<p>People don’t want to think about getting older and possibly ill so they don’t plan for it then suddenly, they fall and break their hip and never are able to regain their mobility again.</p>
<p>My parents moved in to a CCRC at age 77, at least in part to take some of the burden of caring for them off their kids who lived 2500 miles away. There is no reason that the kind of folks who obsess over college choices can’t plan to reduce the burden on their own kids. I certainly hope to.</p>
can’t plan to reduce the burden on their own kids. I certainly hope to.</p>