Do my essay responses align with what Bowdoin is looking for? Are my responses good enough?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Bowdoin College
1

Hey CCers,

I have applied ED II to Bowdoin.
I have selected Africana Studies and History as academic areas of study.
I am African American.
Income:22k.
Weighted GPA: 3.9375; this will improve to a 3.97 weighted grade point average.
No test scores reported.

Quick pointers
At the beginning of the semester my weighted GPA was a 3.8913 and it improved to a 3.9375, making my class rank go from 60/380 to 51/380.
My GPA is now a 3.97, so I am assuming my ranking within my class will improve even more.
I took 3 AP classes last year, and I am taking 4 AP classes now. I have taken 7 overall.
I took Microecon at Christian Brothers University and World History online through Christian Brothers University to complete graduation requirements. My counselor counted these grades as A’s , which is how my weighted average went from a 3.8913 to a 3.9375.
I received a C in AP Lit this semester :(, which was my second C in all of high school.

Here are my essays:
Question: How did you first learn about Bowdoin?

Response: I learned about Bowdoin after I read the biography of Geoffrey Canada, an educator, author, social activist and alumnus of Bowdoin.
Is this a good response or a bad response? Why?

Question: Bowdoin gave applicants a prompt to read titled “The Offer of the College.”
Here is the prompt:
To be at home in all lands and all ages;
to count Nature a familiar acquaintance,
and Art an intimate friend;
to gain a standard for the appreciation of others’ work
and the criticism of your own;
to carry the keys of the world’s library in your pocket,
and feel its resources behind you in whatever task you undertake;
to make hosts of friends…who are to be leaders in all walks of life;
to lose yourself in generous enthusiasms and cooperate with others for common ends –
this is the offer of the college for the best four years of your life.

-William DeWitt Hyde, 7th President of Bowdoin College, 1906

I was asked which line resonates most with me.
I chose: “To be at home in all lands and all ages.”
I was asked to reflect on the line I selected and how it has meaning to me.
I was also told that The Offer of the College represents Bowdoin’s values.

My response:

This line appeals to me because it reflects my desire to have challenging discussions about issues that affect African Americans in a confined setting like Bowdoin, which has just one thousand, eight hundred and sixteen students. I grew up in the southern part of Memphis, Tennessee, a part of Memphis devastated by economic plight, so I had trouble finding equally socially conscious African American youth in my community. I am always well informed about the issues that young African American people face such as the fact that the African American student graduation rate is only forty-two percent. Instead of speaking passionately about phenomena such as the low black graduation rate, I have  internalized my opinions because my peers are not as interested in discussing such issues as I am.

One afternoon, I read the biography of Geoffrey Canada, an educator, author, social activist and alumnus of Bowdoin. Mr. Canada’s story inspired me to look more into Bowdoin. Within my reading, I learned that Bowdoin has a history of helping young African American students through such organizations as the African American society. Learning about the African American society has made me want to be an active member so I can discuss social issues that affect all black people with students who identify as black. As a member, I will not only inform the campus about the issues that impact black students but also inform the campus about issues that impact black people of all ages and statuses.

Does this response align with what Bowdoin is looking for? Is my response good enough?

Thanks in advance!

2

I am assuming you are writing about your ethnicity because of your major. Your ideas are good enough, but the essay is itself seems safe. It is a good start.

“This line appeals to me because it reflects my desire to have challenging discussions about issues that affect African Americans in a confined setting like Bowdoin, which has just one thousand, eight hundred and sixteen students.” I grew up in the southern part of Memphis, Tennessee, a part of Memphis devastated by economic plight, so I had trouble finding equally socially conscious African American youth in my community. I am always well informed about the issues that young African American people face such as the fact that the African American student graduation rate is only forty-two percent. Instead of speaking passionately about phenomena such as the low black graduation rate, I have internalized my opinions because my peers are not as interested in discussing such issues as I am."

The first line is statistics and a mildly interesting fact about yourself. You start like you are about to tell a story, but then decide to instead tell me another fact. You then add yet another statistic. You then tell another fact about yourself. Do you notice a pattern?

Talk about a crossroads. How does being in Memphis make you viscerally feel? Share a painful experience vividly and make the admissions officer care.

"One afternoon, I read the biography of Geoffrey Canada, an educator, author, social activist and alumnus of Bowdoin. Mr. Canada’s story inspired me to look more into Bowdoin. Within my reading, I learned that Bowdoin has a history of helping young African American students through such organizations as the African American society. Learning about the African American society has made me want to be an active member so I can discuss social issues that affect all black people with students who identify as black. As a member, I will not only inform the campus about the issues that impact black students but also inform the campus about issues that impact black people of all ages and statuses. "
This is boring and you are kissing up to the college. The second line is a historian’s fallacy: just because something has a history does not mean that it is necessarily right for you and implies conformity. You now tell yet another boring fact with another fact after. Notice a pattern?

Write something vividly. Flash back into your past and show the admissions office viscerally why you want to be a black advocate with brutal honesty as long as the scenario will not ruin your chances. You wrote your application like you were scared half to death. Calm down and write like a human being. There is no authenticity in your voice. This isn’t a research paper.

3

@Waterborne Thanks! I’ve submitted my app already. I can’t do anything.

4

You can kiss up and still tell the truth. Lol.

If your SAT score is high enough (above 1500), you might still be able to get in on diversity grounds because of your race and your major. Still, please try to be more interesting on your essays next time. Your essay was not abysmal, but it was definitely below average. It probably will hurt your chances, but it might not matter. Show some emotion.

5

@Waterborne I am pretty sure that you are not an admissions officer, but would admit, defer, deny me?

6

I will tell you if I would admit or deny you if you want with a reason, but I need more information first. Give me whatever you can access please, Test scores are mandatory.

7

@Waterborne
I have a 3.54-3.55 unweighted GPA and a 3.97 weighted GPA.
I would assume I am in the top 11-12% of my class, or I am in the top 10% at the most.
I did not submit any scores.
Income was 22k last year.
I have taken 7 AP classes (3 junior year, 4 now).
I got a 4 on my APUSH test, though I did not report it.

Extracurriculars:
I am currently starting a program called Investico that will help low income teenagers understand how to budget and why they should start investing in the stock market now. I am being helped by a program called LITE, which helps students start businesses. I have been in since last summer.

I am in Student Council, and was recognized for earning the most volunteer hours in tenth grade.i have been in since 10th grade.

I am in FBLA and was the Treasurer of my Chapter in tenth grade and Parliamentarian of my chapter in eleventh grade. I have been in since 9th grade.

I am a member of Bridge Builders and I was on the Leadership Board, where I helped develop activities in the community so students could find their voices in the community. I have been in since 9th grade.

I had an internship at Bailey and Greer law firm; I saw two depositions and filed papers on two hundred cases. I did this last summer.

I was an intern at Project Designed, which teaches minoriry students how to invest in real estate; I was responsible for the acquisition and selling of five properties. I have been in since last summer.

You can tell me the reason why you would admit or deny me. Thanks in advance!

8

I could be wrong, but they might assume that you failed your AP test because you did not report it. 7 AP classes is a lot for the average GPA there, and it definitely helps; but my data here is unreliable because I do not know your other other scores. I am not sure if double majoring in Africana studies and history is really the best choice of major for you since you are interested in starting Investigo, which raises a red flag. But that nevertheless is a great accomplishment. Your volunteer hours do not mean anything to me because I do not know what you did. The rest of your ECs further. Not submitting any scores neither helps your or hurts you.

I personally would deny you because you seem dissonant in whether you actually want to major in Africana studies and history versus business or another practical major based on your accomplishments and your essay. You seem like you have a bit of role confusion going on. If you could justify why you chose Africana studies and History over any sort of business major, it could make for a great essay topic and would sway me. But you seem like a risk of not graduating on time right now.

9

Not a good idea to post your essay on this website. First of all, people can see it and copy it. Second of all, I’m pretty sure applications go through plagiarism checkers and this is on the internet so it will look like you plagiarized your essay. Next time get help from people you know at school or use private messages on this website.

10

@Waterborne When I came into high school, I was interested in business and economics. I wanted to work on Wall St. I had dreams of being a hedge fund manager. I had this dream all the way until second semester of 11th grade, where i became passionate about social justice and helping out African Americans. I wanted Investico to be an extension of what I had learned from studying econ and my sudden passion about social justice. Nonetheless, there is no role confusion, I just became interested in social justice not too long ago.

11

I believe you, but that does not matter. Reality is based on perception and to put it bluntly, that is the way your application probably looks to the admissions officer. It looks like a pattern. If you wrote about that vividly, it would circumvent this potential mistake.

12

@sciencenerd123 What can I do about it?

13

Nothing at this point. The post can’t be deleted.

14

@sciencenerd123 thanks.

@Waterborne so I am screwed basically?

15

@sciencenerd123
He/she could always PM a moderator and tell them explicitly why. This webpage likely isn’t indexed on search engines yet.

@Gpa348
No, you are slightly above average and a student with diversity along with passion even if you do not know how to properly express it. Especially if the admissions officer ends up rushing, you do stand a chance. You just missed a huge opportunity to fill much, much needed holes with your essay. They may very well not notice the patterns that can be perceived as red flags.

16

@Waterborne Should I email my admissions counselor to notify them of the discrepancy in major, my essays, and my activities list?

17

@Waterborne basicallt should I tell them the reason there is a discrepancy?

18

@Gpa348
Email them and ask if the interview calendar below is going to reopen next semester and then tell them the authentic story in person if possible. Otherwise, it probably will not matter because they will probably forget it. I am not a hundred percent certain though.
https://admissions.bowdoin.edu/portal/on-campus-interview

An interview could be the deciding factor on what gets you in or not.

Regardless, the parallels of the thought patterns of the interview regarding this could help you with future essays.
https://www.bowdoin.edu/student-fellowships/national/app-tips/interviews.shtml

19

@Waterborne I just looked and I do not think there were any interviews available. Is there anything that I can do?

20

@gpa348 Work on your essay while you still have time during the break and ask if the interview calendar is going to be reset after the new semester. If you get denied, reapply with the new essay. With an A level essay you would be extremely likely to get in.