Well, then of course I would be upset. I can’t imagine anyone would be dishonest if they were asked ahead of time about food intolerances though.
My post was about how I would feel if I did NOT ask and everything I served would make my guest ill.
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I think the bottom line is that it doesn’t take a lot of effort for the host OR the guest (or both) to mention food planned or food needs at the time of invitation. And I suppose based on those answers, the guest can turn down the invite if they are uncomfortable with food choices or the host can withdraw the invite if the prospective guest’s food needs are just not going to work! ( I would hope this wouldn’t happen)
OP, sounds like you know your invited audience pretty well - they are not new to dining with you - and hopefully the stew turns out great and the pot is empty at the end of the night and tummies are full!
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This!
Plus, no one we know has expected us to go out of our way to accommodate them. And yes they would be fine trying to make do with something or the other - but as hosts we feel good about making small adjustments to accommodate those with diet restrictions (in our social circle that typically translates to being vegetarian. Fortunately, no serious allergies).
We’re not going to prepare a whole parallel menu, and our guests don’t expect that either. But we might add a side dish or heavier appetizer, or have a simple variation to the main course.
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I vividly remember having a couple over for dinner – no, I did not ask about food sensitivities, and they did not tell me of any. I was so proud of myself for making lobster risotto. Well. The wife was deathly allergic to shellfish. Extremely disappointing. So now we always ask!
As I’ve posted before, I’ve been served gluten even though I told my host I couldn’t eat it, and got severely ill. I now have anxiety around eating in restaurants or other people’s homes. But, although it would make me more comfortable to bring my own food, people refuse to let me! The times I’ve offered it has been very awkward. Some people take it as a personal rejection (kind of “how could you think I wouldn’t be careful??”) (I am thinking particularly of a work-related dinner for my husband, at a board member’s house. This was not a good friend, and the balance of power was such that we could only insist so much. (In the end, it was fine!)).
I think perhaps people have different ideas of what constitutes hospitality. To me, it means I want my guests to have an enjoyable time, and I expect to be as thoughtful as I reasonably can towards them. I would not, for example, knowingly feed pork to observant Jewish or Muslim friends, even though I love roast pork. I would not enjoy seeing them only eat potato and salad. My guests’ comfort is more important to me than which particular dish I wanted to serve.
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Yes , thanks @abasket . And I ran the stew idea by my husband and he thinks his siblings and brother in law will be happy with that option so don’t think I’ll tell them what we’re having in advance. They do know there will be a family dinner and no one came back with any concerns/restrictions. And there will be other food with it so should be fine. Thanks to all of you for all the great advice and responses! And Happy Thanksgiving!
Note that the US military apparently realizes this and does offer MREs suitable for some religious dietary restrictions.
https://www.dla.mil/Troop-Support/Subsistence/Operational-rations/Kosher-and-Halal/
https://www.dla.mil/Troop-Support/Subsistence/Operational-rations/Passover/
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I’ve had to alter most of my recipes. Cream of mushroom soup does in fact have wheat flour as a thickener. French fried onions also have wheat flour. I have been able to find brands that don’t, but it’s taken some hunting. Many sweet potato recipes have flour if they have a crumble topping. Chocolate chips have soy lectin. I found one brand that doesn’t so I can bake a cookie she can eat. Oats are often rolled in wheat flour, why??? So for her cookies I have to buy gluten free oats and I use rice flour. Stuffing and gravy she just can’t eat, but if she can have turkey, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, vegetables, etc… she’s ok with that.
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Cross contamination through shared equipment and facilities?
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One of my students is going through allergy shots right now because he wants to go to West Point and a tree nut allergy is a disqualifying medical condition. I had no idea that was a thing.
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https://www.esd.whs.mil/Portals/54/Documents/DD/issuances/dodi/613003_vol1.PDF?ver=7fhqacc0jGX_R9_1iexudA%3D%3D lists disqualifying medical conditions for US military service. 6.23.g mentions nut and other food allergies. 6.12.c(3) mentions celiac.
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“I think the bottom line is that it doesn’t take a lot of effort for the host OR the guest (or both) to mention food planned or food needs at the time of invitation. And I suppose based on those answers, the guest can turn down the invite if they are uncomfortable with food choices or the host can withdraw the invite if the prospective guest’s food needs are just not going to work! ( I would hope this wouldn’t happen)”. Oops! sorry, this was @abasket quote, not mine.
A couple of years ago, I made all of the sides and the desserts for a family TG at another family member’s home where about 20ppl attended. Far in advance, I asked and was made aware of the various allergies / dietary restrictions, and there were many; I even supplied the list my proposed dishes. I shopped and starting prepping the weekend before TG, the day BEFORE Thanksgiving, when most of the cooking and prepping was done, I was told one of the guests had a severe (pecan? I don’t remember) allergy. So severe that the food containing pecans (or whatever it was) could not be in the same room as the allergic person.
After all my caution and prepping, I think I was a bit astonished 
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+1 on this.
These people should never eat anywhere other than their own home. They could come for dessert only if they bring their own.
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I’m still figuring out our Thanksgiving menu. My oldest and her husband and kids are vegetarian. Typically they are happy with lots of sides and are also fine if we want to eat turkey. But the grandkids are now old enough to notice and comment if we are eating meat (although mom has worked hard on explaining “every family eats what they want to, we don’t eat meat but it’s okay if others do). A while back when we were babysitting my husband was snacking on a leftover chicken leg. The grands were very interested, then the six year old wandered away singing under her breath “we don’t eat meat because we care about animals” 
So far our menu includes stuffed squash, Mac and cheese, green salad, wild rice pilaf, and roasted cauliflower. I’d like to include mini crab cakes for my son-in-law from Maryland and I’m thinking maybe I can toss in some tater tots to fake out my little vegetarians. I am probably way over thinking it, but I want everyone to be happy! Curse of motherhood.
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Agree…but then they need to speak up about their dietary restrictions or preferences…OR bring something themselves.
A good friend has a family member with severe celiac. They always bring something with them when invited to dine at other people’s houses…because of the cross contamination issues.
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I don’t ask but anyone I’m inviting I know their dietary guidelines. We have added a few new guests as the kids have married but it also didn’t take long to learn that my son in laws mother was a vegetarian. She is easy and eats the sides and I’ve made the switch to vegetable broth for the stuffing.
With my own I’ve got a husband who doesn’t eat mushrooms, flax seed, seafood or lamb. A daughter who is allergic to many fruits, vegetables, most nuts and soy. She is also allergic to seafood but I don’t serve that anyway. Other daughter gets migraines and I avoid some foods for her. New DIL can’t have anything with garlic. She is also lactose intolerant.
She hosted a party recently. The main course was salad and cauliflower crust pizza. the dessert was a cake specially made at some bakery that not only handled the gluten free/vegan component, but also some sweetener substitute (maybe agave?). It wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.
Her older dau is now married and the other inlaws live in town, so gee, what a shame, we don’t host them for Thanksgiving or the high holy days any more. But very sadly, that daughter now has some very major health issues (CA). Very sad for someone so young.
We somehow became the house for H’s extended family’s Thanksgiving pre-covid. One year we had the following dietary restrictions with guests: gluten free, low fat, low carb, vegetarian, no shell fish, muslim (no pork/alcohol). Maybe more. We just said please bring a dish you like. A cousin showed up early just when H, I and our adult children were pouring tequila shots. She laughed and joined us.
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Well…if we are sharing…
We hosted some relatives here one summer for a long weekend. In the mix was vegetarian, gluten free, pescatarian, and one who has crohns and can’t eat any raw leafy veggies. I banged my head agains the wall…but finally decided to do a burger bar. We had salmon burgers, veggie burgers, regular burgers, Turkey burgers, regular buns, gluten free buns. All toppings were on the side (cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, relish, ketchup, mustard, etc). We had raw veggies (carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, celery) on the side with dip for those who wanted it. Desert was sorbet…which worked for everyone.
But then these same folks came back the following year…what to do? Didn’t want to serve the same thing…so we had a pasta bar. Regular pasta and gluten free. Three different kinds of “meatballs” including beyond burger ones. Just had a plain marinara sauce folks could use…and all the cheeses were on the side for those who wanted them. It worked well!
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Agree with all these varieties, the “bar” is the easiest. When we go to visit the kids/grands, when we stayed in Airb&bs, we were expected to make a meal or two for the crowd. Back then both kids and families lived near each other. One time we had a place big enough to host the other inlaws, and an old friend from HS and his partner who lived near the air b&b we rented. So we hosted 10 people plus ourselves (the sister in law and her crowd couldn’t make it) and did the pasta and salad bar thing. And I ordered a fruit and cheese platter ahead of time from the nearby market. As mentioned above, one DIL is vegetarian, so I’ll typically make fish or lasagna or something when we cooked smaller meals. One time I made stuffed portobello mushroom caps for starters and my then 1 1/4 yr old picky eater grandson ate his and the entire one that was for his dad! 
Now that we stay in older s’s house, we are expected to keep them occupied in the morning, feed them, and I have cooked/baked with the 6 yr old. Its exhausting!