@ChoatieMom Yes, loving parents are the norm for most people. However, parents show love in different ways. If your parents are strict, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it means that they love you too much to see you not do your absolute best. If your parents are relaxed, then they love you enough to let you have your freedom.
But the question is: Which type of parents are better for Academic, Career, and Future Success?
@vivman24 You probably can’t convince them with words. Showing them models of people from their circumstances who proved that the strategy of studying hard and doing well made a difference for them might help. When they don’t complete something, show how it impacts them, then make a plan to do better next time, with support. Try not to take it personally.
I’ll stick with my original answer. 
You, not your parents, are responsible for what you make of your life. You are the sum of your decisions. Make good ones.
Vivman24…you bring up some very important and old age questions.
First, I think some of intrinsic motivation is just how an individual is wired. Some are and some aren’t intrinsically motivated and I venture to guess that is what is behind the amazing success stories we hear of when someone has beaten all odd of success.
I think what you are doing with your work and your care is extraordinary. Good for you. Personally I think that one very small thing that can make a big difference with the population you are working with is to have someone in their life (such as yourself) who cares and believes in the future success in that individual. Letting these kids know that you know they can do better, that you expect them to do their best, and that someone in their life is in their corner, is huge.
I also believe that success breeds success. This is why I champion teachers who set kids up for success. Teachers who are flexible and work with students can have a huge impact. Sometimes just a few baby steps will make a student believe in himself and then work harder to take that next step and the next and so on. When I say flexible when working with a struggling student I mean things like maybe make an assignment shorter, offer bonus points, give a take home project to earn extra credit, meet with a student to assist them with their work, and holistic assessments etc. I don’t mean this in lieu of legitimate standards but rather as a way to work with kids who have challenges to move them in the direction toward black and white numerical grades. When kids are always failing, they believe they are failures and that’s all they can achieve. Its a matter of changing the narrative. Changing the experience.
Another factor that I think helps to motivate individuals is giving them responsibility. Responsibility makes people feel valued, respected and important. Then when successful, a youth can earn more responsibility. If you earn something, you believe in yourself and hold yourself to high standards. Hence, the concept of intrinsic motivation. If you feel those things in one area, it can transfer into another area to do your best.
I don’t know if any of this will help you in your work, but these are a few of my thoughts.
Ack, I just spotted a typo in my post #9. Last sentence of second paragraph should have said “but NOT really because they pushed me into it.”
TBH, I don’t know if it’s even an Asian/non-Asian thing so much, really…I’m reminded of the Debbie Allen intro scene in the movie “Fame”: “You’ve got big dreams. You want fame. Well, fame costs. And right here is where you start paying: in sweat.”
As people upstream have noted, it’s not just about the parents, though. As you see in your own household, you and your brother are different…even thought you have same parents/raised in same house.
I do think that (and I’m generalizing here, obvs.) Asian parents are a little less concerned with the notion of a kid’s “happiness” (whatever that is) than the average non-Asian parent. At least in my experience. And that starts at a very very early age. So it’s not so much about “chasing one’s dreams” as it is “putting in the work”.
@NorthernMom61
Thank you. I will definitely incorporate that into my lesson plan. One strategy that has worked so far was telling my Mentee that if he doesn’t do his homework, then I would have to do 15 pushups in front of the class. In order to prevent me from embarrassing myself and because we are friends, he is willing to do his homework now. But showing him role models would definitely motivate him.
@ChoatieMom Thank you for your response. Although I agree that personal responsibility is a major aspect of success, I think that parenting is quite influential when it comes to developing the idea of personal responsibility and good habits necessary for success especially at ages when children need guidance.
@Empireapple Thank you so much, it means a lot!
Allow me to share an anecdote: I was sitting in the study hall for physics at my nearby community college after class. A few college students noticed my HS id card and exclaimed about me doing tough courses as a Junior in HS. After chatting with them, a fellow studying student reached out and told me how he was a freshman at another HS in our district. I was shocked, but then even more so as he told me of his circumstances: His mother and father came here illegally and had six kids here. The father then went back to Mexico to pursue a love affair with another woman. The mother now had to work in the fields all-day in order to support the family and put them through college. The oldest kid got into UC Berkeley but ended up having to go to UC Merced because they couldn’t afford to send him anywhere else. Anyhow, the second oldest (the freshman) now knew what it would take to get into college. He took the Accu placer and was placed in the lowest math class, but was not deterred: He wanted to take Calculus as a sophomore. I helped him through his work and gave him a few tips like “take advanced courses that you love (like Math or Science”. Eventually, I found out that his older brother is his role model and that he is the one who helps him through everything school related. Side Note: (He doesn’t even have a phone, so he has to use the school computers and use Facebook to message his mom to pick him up–So I offered him to borrow my phone, but he refused).
His sheer determination and will power shocked me and I was at a loss for words for another hour after I left. I kept thinking like, “if he with his challenges is working this hard, then what excuse do I have?” It really hurts to see ambitious students such as he who don’t have the resources to flourish. This happened relatively recently, about a month ago, but still, is imprinted in my mind and it became my goal to help out kids like him and make sure students who have even less (such as those who I am working with now) have a path to safety and security.
And you are completely correct: Slow, but steady progress is the way to go when it comes to changing work habits and circumstances. That’s why it is very important not to try and take on everything (they might just give up) and you cannot give them punishments that punish them directly (it will be met with animosity).
Haha, that reminds me of the Asian parent memes (which I couldn’t really relate to, but still found hilarious).
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/27/27123674f9dc62417b1f697054cb9dfce78b655381c21d3af839afbb1e61a54a.jpg
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/256/571/115.jpg
But wouldn’t you agree that Asian parents (while less concerned about happiness) are more concerned about the Academic and Career success of their child than their Non-Asian counterparts?
Anecdote:
My asian friend, who now is regularly a national Mathcounts contestant has an MIT Math Professor Dad (who I’m guessing either pushes him or gifted him the genetics), but I know that the Dad taught the kid everything he knows about Math.
Also, there was a kid I met somewhere in the Bay Area whose parents pushed him (made him take advanced math and science in HS) and he is now attending USC to study film. He actually turned down Yale because USC is one of the best schools in the country for film.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1uijt3Ydqs
If the link disappears, it is Angela Lee on youtube talking about Grit - Why some students fail and some students succeed
My father (Asian parent) didn’t watch or listen to Angela Lee, but he brought us up with similar idea. With my children, I dialed it back a bit, but it was still the same idea. It is not talent that makes one successful, it is grit - perseverance when one fails, because failure is not a permanent situation.
@vivman24: Those memes are funny!
With regard to my own children, I think that I have been more concerned about academic success (as opposed to say, social success/“happiness”) than many of my non-Asian counterparts but not really career success. My parents were doctor/lawyer and my brother is a doctor, but I’m in a more creative field. And I don’t know if plotting out a kid’s career from birth is all that wise…unless that kid somehow knows from birth that s/he wants to be an [insert profession here]. I don’t even know if by high school that most kids really have an idea about what they want to do.
Note that I didn’t say academic success vs. sports success…because there are certain sports that seem to have an abundance of asian kids involved…in my non-scientific observation, these are more apt to be individual sports than team sports.
@vivman24 It’s not like my parents didn’t push me. They certainly did, but I think they did reasonably. Before high school they pushed me a lot because I lacked motivation, but in high school, I actually pushed myself more than they pushed me.
Nice, it is great that you are now self-motivated @sstsunami55 now. You sound a lot like my brother who needed to be pushed earlier but after a while found his own rhythm.
Our kid complained jokingly we never told him to study harder. We told him don’t stay late to study and get a good night of sleep. We told him why push him harder when he tries hard on his own? We just told him great job whether he got As or Bs, and told him not to worry when he didn’t get test scores he wanted. We did make him join a cross country though so he can get some exercise. After one semester, his respect for jocks went up big time because he had a very tough time staying awake to study after training or competing.
Why did we do it this way? I didn’t study that much and I am doing fine. My wife knows this so she thinks it’s not good to add to stress of my kid.
@websensation You sound a lot like my parents lol. But my parents have turned around recently and are super supportive. Like previously, I would have to find the way to do things I wanted to, for example, I had to buy/trade Yu-Gi-Oh! cards on ebay for a while to make enough money to fund half the cost of a refurbished, 2011 macbook. Now though, if I ask them, then they are more than willing to help out rather than forcing me to go to alternate sources.
@vivman24 As parents, I consider it our job to just be supportive and give encouragement to whatever (legal) pursuits he wants to pursue. When you are young, it’s good to expand your horizon, get a sense of possibilities rather than become specialized. Every kid has a different speed and timeline. I rather have a happier kid who makes less money than an unhappy kid who makes lots of money. I feel in the U.S., as long as you don’t become addicted to drugs, gambling and sex, you should end up doing ok. I try to keep things simple.
@websensation Haha! I love the fact that you added (legal) pursuits. And I agree, that is what is great about the American Dream! But wouldn’t you want your child to make the most of living in such a wonderful country?
Lol at this thread as an Asian parent with a kid who’s a WashU freshman. I told the son he should do what he’s best at and/or what he likes. Right now he is thinking about a dual Biology/History major based on his best grades in school. Mom wants him to be pre-med or do something involving Computational Biology. I want him to see what fits him the best.
As you grow up, you will grapple with what is “make the most of living” idea? Each man and woman has to arrive at this answer. For me, I will leave it up to my kid, although I will share with him what my own story has been. If my kid wants to be a billionaire and he thinks he has a shot, go for it. If he wants to help others in a nonprofit organization and make $30,000 per year and he won’t regret passing up other more lucrative opportunities, go for that also.
