<p>I think there’s a spectrum of parental involvement. On the far left there are the parents who are downright unsupportive. They won’t give their child any financial information. They are disparaging of their child’s interest in attending college at all.</p>
<p>On the far right are the parents who TELL the child where he will apply and in what he will major. Most of us are more in the middle. I fall a little right of center.</p>
<p>Since all kids are different, parents’ approaches need to be different. There is no One Right Way for each parent/teen to follow.</p>
<p>You might think I’m overinvolved and I might think you’re underinvolved but since neither of us knows each other’s circumstances, we shouldn’t be too quick to judge. We’re all going to make mistakes but we all want what’s best for our kids.</p>
So you were on a college tour and listened in on someone’s parent’s conversations?? Is that what you are saying? And did you or your parent set up the UMich visit?</p>
<p>*ETA Oh, and you started this identical thread in 2 forums (which isn’t typically allowed on cc)? Is it that big of a deal to you?</p>
<p>I always find it odd when parents DON’T get involved with the process at least in some capacity.</p>
<p>I wanted to be less involved, but if I had been, my kid would not have done the research, set up the visits, taken the SAT’s, etc. He was very complacent about the whole thing, which I learned is not really that uncommon. Should I have just thrown him in the pool and let him drown for something this important?</p>
<p>I do agree that some parents take it a little far, like the one you saw on the tour, but I think most fall into the “normal” range of involvement. And I think the level of parent’s involvement depends on the kid’s interest in the whole process. Some kids are very involved and independent while others are just lost and overwhelmed.</p>
<p>I post here so I don’t bother my kids in real life.</p>
<p>That said, my older son had no interest in picking colleges and was happy to have someone tell him what the top schools for computer science were. If I’d stepped back, I’m sure he would have figured it out and applied to a very similar list. I’d have had a lot more grey hairs though! He’s a terrible procrastinator. </p>
<p>Younger son was more interested in participating in the selection, but still was happy to hear suggestions.</p>
<p>No, I don’t find it odd. I have read enough desperate posts by disappointed high school seniors to keep me reading and posting here.</p>
<p>I started browsing CC to find out about options between big state U and highly selective schools for my kids. No one in my family knew much about the multitude of excellent schools out there. </p>
<p>BTW – I have been repeatedly humbled by the generous way knowledge is shared on these boards. So much support and guidance is offered here (as well as sometimes desperately needed reality checks) it is no surprise to me that parents would be drawn here and then stick around.</p>
<p>@Onesonmom : “I think it’s only fair to acknowledge some facts. The college application process has become increasingly complex, and requires research (common data sets) for even moderate success in identifying match, safety and reaches…and then there’s the strategic planning and time management involved in applying, competing for scholarships, completing financial aid forms, etc…all against a backdrop of senior year coursework and SAT/ACT re-testing… and these are 17 year olds, often without adequate guidance from harried, overworked counselors. And it’s that much more complex and tricky for students with specialized interests, specific learning needs or uneven academic records. Should they do it on their own? Sure. Should they pay a wholly disproportionate price for being too organizationally immature, distracted or just plain stressed out? I don’t think so.”</p>
<p>I agree with this 100%. The college application landscape has changed dramatically from when I applied. When you take into account ED, EA, RD, financial aid and scholarships, it can be a maze of deadlines. On top of that the students have the SAT, AP and SAT II deadlines to worry about. This can challenge even the most organized child who is carrying a full academic schedule, EC’s and athletics. The consequences are too great for not providing some oversight and assistance. </p>
<p>When you add in the exorbitant cost of college today (we will not qualify for any assistance whatsoever), we will try our best, as a FAMILY, to avoid any missteps because of poor organization or lack of knowledge about the process.</p>
<p>I’ve also noticed at college visits parents asking questions instead of their kids. But that’s because most of the prospective students (including myself) don’t want to speak in front of so many people and sound stupid, or we’re dozing off bored. Also, parents also need to know about their child’s college, so I don’t see the problem with them asking their own questions.</p>
<p>“See, I completed this whole app process myself, went through a learning process, succeeded, and STILL involved my mother by just talking with her about the schools I applied to, taking her on visits, and involving her in financial aid applications. When I reflect, I believe that that’s the way it should be done… That’s the way it’s meant to be”</p>
<p>Not every student has the time nor the desire to research all the appropriate colleges. Not every family can afford a private college counselor, and many parents choose to do the research, arrange the visits, and advise their kids. I am thrilled my kids allowed that. And now they are at schools on the other side of the country, taking care of everything for themselves but the bill. Oldest even got his first “real” job, all on his own.</p>
<p>How arrogant can someone be to tell parents what they should or should not be doing for their kids? See, I think my kids have the “better judgement” to be grateful for good advice that they received, as opposed to being critical of it. And you’d never catch them lecturing parents on this forum, about how it should be done, and how impressive they were for doing things the “right” way. They would think that kind of boasting was pathetic.</p>
<p>I started CC with my D sharing this account while researching the boarding school process a few years ago. D got her info early on and left never to return to CC. I stayed and got hooked on the parents forum and learned so much about what to do and not to do as a parent when it comes to supporting your child during the application process.
Now after 2 kids through boarding school and 1 kid now into college, I’ve met a lot of different parenting styles on CC. I think the helicopter and tiger parenting stems from parents being so competitive in a very competitive environment. I decided not to feed on that competitive frenzy and let my kids drive the bus. Thats what worked for our family.</p>
<p>The nerve of you to think that some of the parents on here (some with over 12,000 posts) are over involved. CC is just a part of their balanced day.</p>
<p>Yes, some parents are downright obnoxious as to how far over they cross any line. So what? Sometimes it hurts the kids. Sometimes it helps them. Just the way some people act. </p>
<p>Sometimes things don’t get resolved unless a parent or another adult gets involved. Easy to give a young adult who is green in the way of the world a run around. Not so an old battle ax like me. We had some issues where my kids just couldn’t get it done, and I felt that the situation was unjust enough and the consequences painful enough, that I planed my boot on some jerk’s backside and got the wheels rolling. It should not have taken that, but it did and it has in the past too. I’ve done this at times for kids that are not mine when I see such things happening.</p>
<p>When it comes to discussing financial aid packages, sometimes the parent has to get involved if there is a home business with some intricacies that require some complex discussion. A parent who is a good negotiator and who can discuss the numbers with ease and full knowledge may well get more out of the discussion than a kid who doesn’t. Sometimes the innocence of the kids is a winning point, though in my opinion, these fin aid folks have ice in their veins and it takes someone even colder to get through. An 18 year old isn’t going to stand a chance with those pros who are there to keep the purse strings closed, not give out more. </p>
<p>I know a family where a parent does financial negotiations as a living. Yes, he got money out of some fin aid offices where I doubt any kid or adult, for that matter would have succeeded as well. But there are times when it is best for parents to sit it out. Having the wisdom to make those judgements is a wonderful thing.</p>
<p>Not only might kids be hesitant to ask questions, but as a person who has been to college, I am sometimes in a better position to know what to ask than my kids are.</p>
<p>And of course, I’ll be paying for it (aside from what my kids may chip in via a job or possibly loans). So yes, I think I have the right to ask a question or two on a tour.</p>
<p>I have found schools that I think my son will like and suggested them. If he flat out refused to visit one, I don’t think I’d make him, but he hasn’t done that. And I will force him to apply to at least one public in-state school because I know that will be affordable. Because again, I am paying.</p>
<p>Straightshooter, I joined CC AFTER my kiddo picked/was accepted by/chose her school. </p>
<p>Just because some of us have a zillion posts doesn’t mean we’re here because we’re helicoptering parents. Rather, because we don’t have lives.;)</p>
<p>^^Really, I mean, what else do we have to do? Besides work, and thousands of chores, and all that other fun stuff!</p>
<p>" I decided not to feed on that competitive frenzy and let my kids drive the bus. Thats what worked for our family."</p>
<p>It’s probably great advice that different things are going to work for each family. Some families, the parents want no involvement, the kids have no counseling, and may end up not going to college at all, or paying way too much for the college they get into. Some kids don’t want their parents to have any input in their application process (but I’ll bet they’re anxious for the monetary input). Some kids parents have been talking about them getting into an ivy league school since kindergarten. Now there’s a load of pressure!</p>
<p>My overall impression of most parents on this site is that they are willing to give whatever help is desired by their kids. Whether it is hours of research and secretarial work, or whether it is to stand back. Not one size fits all, and not every kid and family is the same.</p>
<p>My nephew is a very smart kid and applied to top schools. When we were looking at schools for my " typical" daughter ( now a college freshman) my SIL would always say that my daughter " has to own the process- SHE has to do all the work." She said that because in her world she has a son who WAS able to " own the process." My older daughter needed guidance. Now I have a HS sophomore coming down the pike, and she is more like my nephew and told me that she can " own the process." I will still help, and I will absolutely guide the finances, but she will not need as much overall guidance from me.</p>
<p>Katliamom, don’t forget that we like to live vicariously through our children in order to compensate for our own unfulfilling college experiences. ;)</p>
<p>"This can challenge even the most organized child who is carrying a full academic schedule, EC’s and athletics. The consequences are too great for not providing some oversight and assistance. </p>
<p>When you add in the exorbitant cost of college today (we will not qualify for any assistance whatsoever), we will try our best, as a FAMILY, to avoid any missteps because of poor organization or lack of knowledge about the process."</p>
<p>I agree onesonmom- although my current sophomore is very independent, I feel that process is way too big and expensive for her to navigate by herself. We will not qualify for financial aid either, which means that she has to apply to our state schools and some OOS that will give her merit.</p>