My S was offered full tuition at a good state school (OOS for us) plus a stackable department scholarship so the total cost is about 6K/yr. This was a safety school and we did not expect that large a scholarship so we gave it a closer look and we liked what we saw. The reach decisions have not come in yet - they are low to middle reach schools, privates, and we would be full pay. He has offers of admission from several other schools he likes. My dh put a budget of 40K (we can afford more but he felt that was a reasonable expense for college). My S’s top choices would cost more (were hoping for merit or maybe dh changing his mind on the budget if you’re wondering why we put them on the list in the first place). So we are struggling with the decision of still paying quite a lot for ‘not a top choice but well-ranked school’ or paying very little for the good school (top 50 public). S is very undecided about what he ultimately wants to do so hard to guess what graduate schools might cost and how to trade off with that. Bottom line: should you always go with the ‘best’ you can afford?
It depends on various factors, although it seems that some are uncertain at this time for you. Example factors:
a. Graduate or professional school. PhD programs worth attending should be funded, so if the student graduates with a bachelor’s degree with little or no undergraduate debt, then you should not need to worry about helping pay for that. But professional programs like MD, JD, MBA, etc. programs can be very expensive, so choosing a lower cost undergraduate school and applying the remaining money toward professional school can be a valid choice.
b. Quality and reputation of each school in the student’s majors of interest. Quality means in terms of offerings suitable for his interests; reputation may affect how graduates in the major are viewed by employers and PhD programs.
c. Reputation of the school overall. Such prestige can matter hugely for such things as management consulting employment, but much less so for MD or JD program admissions, or some types of major-related employment where external licensing is the main criterion.
Of course, if a school is over your budget plus whatever federal direct loan and work commitment he is willing to make (no more than $5,500 of federal direct loans and $4,500 of work earnings is probably a reasonable outer limit on the student contribution), then it can no longer be considered.
Part of the issue is my dh not willing to look at various options. He has made the broad statement of we will pay for undergrad and then he’s on his own. S would like to consider the lower cost option and then apply the remainder his father was willing to pay to future studies. That seems reasonable to me but dh is not happy with S selecting a lower prestige school (I know, whose degree is it?). To me, some colleges are worth x$ more and some are not - I feel most of his other options fall closer to the latter category. I think some of the reach schools would be worth the $ but dh seems fixed to the idea of paying a certain dollar amount. Also S has some interest in a JD so there is that potential high cost lurking in the future.
Your H is not being rational, IMO. Also wants to bask in his son’s reflected glory (or something stupid like that).
It’s your son’s life. Why shouldn’t he be given a set amount of money for tuition (for undergrad, grad, etc.) and then be allowed to decide just how he wants to use it?
What career goals and majors is your son considering?
You have an interesting situation that could be used by your son to great benefit/advantage, but then your DH goes and messes it up by reacting emotionally instead of rationally. Usually that is the role of the teenager! Congrats to your son on attracting such a great offer.
I agree with others. Your husband, sadly, is irrational. He puts a firm cap on total expenses
I get that, we did the same. But he also puts a lower limit on “lesser” schools and will not pay for grad school at all? That certainly puts your son in a box. It sounds like your husband has one particular school in mind?
At this point, I would just wait for responses from other schools. Once you have all the FA packages, you can lay it out for husband and son. Hopefully when everyone sees the whole range of opportunities, your husband will ease up somewhere.
Congrats to your son on the OOS scholarships. That must feel good to him after working so hard.
It really depends on the schools involved and the area of study, but generally IMHO most private schools below the top 15 range are not worth the additional funds to attend over a flagship public school.
Trying to tell him he’s irrational is like lighting a bomb! The OOS public school is not the flagship but still well regarded and was recommended by our private college counselor as a good fit for S. My husband does not have a specific school in mind but is obviously very concerned about appearances. Some of our friend’s kids (certainly not most) going to Ivies and the like so that is a bit behind his thinking. S is currently interesting in pursuing both economics and computer science. He is a smart kid but a bit inconsistent with his focus and discipline - all the more reason, IMO , to not fork out the big bucks now but rather for grad school when he will have a better idea of what he wants to do and hopefully can then shoot for the ‘Ivy’ if he desires.
Both economics and CS departmental strength can vary significantly across schools, but not necessarily along the lines of general school prestige.
Economics departments can have a more mathematical, pre-PhD emphasis, or a more business-oriented pre-professional emphasis.
CS departments can vary in depth and breadth of offerings; some of the weaker ones have relatively few offerings or really have more of an IT emphasis (managing computers and software, rather than designing them).
Sounds like there may be a little bit of hedge-betting going on. DS has a history of not being completely focused, so the idea is to not risk paying anything above an arbitrary amount for tuition, just in case he drops out of school. Is DH really not going to pay 50k for Carnegie-Mellon, if that’s what the family EFC turns out to be? I have a hunch he’ll change his mind if and when…
Given that your son is uncertain about his major (there is such a wide variance between law, economics, and Computer Science) that there is little to go by regarding graduate school or professional school or neither. I’m inclined to agree with your husband that staying focused on the undergraduate school decision is the main point. That the public university with the great offer is not a state flagship makes it less immediately compelling. Without knowing what the "better’ options are just wait until you have your full list of choices and decide objectively then. A very large percentage of undergraduates do not continue their formal education upon graduation so it’s quite possible that choosing the best undergraduate option based on college quality and likely academic match is the way to go, and that, in your case, since you can afford the undergraduate cost, leaving cost as a tertiary criteria.
@fogcity, I don’t believe that making the distinction between “flagship” and “non-flagship” is useful when a school is good enough to be the flagship in many other states. For instance, CA has several publics that would be flagships in several other states.
Also, while most undergrads don’t go on to get grad degrees, I daresay that among those kids who are good enough to get a substantial scholarship to a top-50 school, a big percentage do.
Ultimately, you’ll have to compare specific offers and weigh them. @ucbalumnus is correct that CS prestige/opportunities may not correlate that well with general prestige rankings/tiers.
We are going through the same thing with our D, only I’m the hardheaded one about the cheap state school. 
But I am coming around since she seems less sure of the exact major she wants than she was when we started the process. (Cheap State U. doesn;t have the exact program she thought she wanted, while Expensive Prestige School does.) I think it’s probably wise to go with the state school until your S decides what he really wants to study. At that point you can assess whether the program is strong in that area or consider a transfer to a better caliber school. Or he can just concentrate on getting the best grades possible and then going for the bigtime grad school. (It will be necessary for Econ and probably desirable for CS as well.) I expect your DH will thaw about that when the time comes if your S gets into Harvard or MIT.
Thank you so much for all the helpful feedback. I can address some of the issues:
- while at times not completely focused I don't think dropping out would even be in the realm of things - he loves to learn
- the state school is almost same rank as flagship in this case - it's a top 50 public school
- S has looked at the relative strengths of each of these programs. since he will likely combine, flexibility is important. For example, in some universities, economics and CS are in the same college which makes it more feasible to combine the two or there is a CS certificate that can easily be tacked onto an LAS major. When CS resides in a different school it is much more difficult to fit the classes in the schedule
- he would be in honors in some of his options including the lower cost state U - perks include smaller honors classes, honors housing, mentoring by a professor for research, first dibs on classes, separate honors building
- lower cost U is known to have good career fairs
- of the reach schools (one is high reach and unlikely), two are potential door openers with the name and of those two one with the specific program (Business and Computer Science)
- the other two admissions he is seriously considering are in the 32K range after scholarships - one is a private school and the other a state flagship.
I applied to a small out of state private school that with scholarships was cheeper than my states flagship school.
Thanks @wrisovi - all these options are cheaper than our state flagship 
- barring the reach schools we have yet to hear from.
Here’s another way to look at it – without all of the emotions around it. That is, does it make sense to pay for a less-than-superstar U when perfectly-and-really-good State U is free? For example, you might decide that UPenn is worth $60,000 a year…but is Bucknell? And insert various schools names here…in my mind State U wins unless a school is just a amazing moment…
Exactly Southernhope - that is why I am struggling to rationalize the higher cost options. I want S to be excited about where he is going - tough to do when Dad is less than supportive about it!
If you feel comfortable disclosing this @singermom4 would tell us what state you are from?
And @singermom4 won’t it also be great to know that the finances aren’t so, well, tight…even if a family can “afford” an expensive school, it’s a hard road…because nobody (well,hardly anybody) has that much money. So if S wants a summer working gratis for a famous researcher, he can do that instead of having to work a paid retail job, for example, it just loosens up everything…makes everybody happier…