When DS was a senior in high school, he got accepted into his dream college. While I was very happy for him, I also understood that his education at this school would be very expensive. Before he even started, he decided that he wanted to be in this particular double-major program, which is 5 years instead of 4. I grudgingly allowed this under the condition that he would pay me back for that 5th year within 3 years of graduating.
He’s now 24, and has been out of college for almost 2 years. However, he’s only payed back roughly 5 percent of what he owes me. He lives in a 1-bedroom apartment with his gf, and at first, he was telling me that he too many apartment-related expenses to pay. However, the other day, I talked to his gf while he was at work and it turns out that he’s been spending a good chunk of his money on her. He buys her all these expensive clothes and jewelry on a pretty-much monthly basis, whereas he usually just sends a gift-card and some chocolates on my birthday. And, they’ve also been saving up to tour the west coast this summer.
I feel rather hurt about this. I’m starting to wonder if he cares more about his gf than me, even though he’s really only know her for a year and he’s known me for 24 years. I feel like I’m being very generous. I think most parents who pay for college expect their kids to pay them back for their entire 4 years by their mid-20s, and I’m just asking him to pay me back for 1. He didn’t sign anything when we made the agreement, but he did say he would follow through. I’m wondering if there’s some way I could legally get him to pay me back for the year that he wasn’t even supposed to be an undergraduate.
If he didn’t sign any loan documents with you…what would be your basis for “legally” going after your son.
And really…is this something you want to do…sue your son for repayment of his college costs?
You need to sit down with him…and come up with a payment plan. Have you done this…or were you just expecting him to mail you a check every so often. Do the payment plan with him. And tell him that you need him to adhere to the plan.
As for your question on him paying you back - no, there isn’t any way you can legally force him to. And if you don’t want to further alienate him and the potential future mother of your grandchildren, I would advise you to forget the 5th year expense and stop pestering him about it.
Have you TALKED to him about this? In a non-confrontational way? While I don’t know your financials, if money is tight, and if you need to be repaid for that 5th year, I would simply make sure he’s aware of your situation. Unless he’s a total selfish ogre, I doubt he’d blow off a parent’s request he live up to his promise. You could set up a reasonable payment plan to keep him on track.
Do not bring up his generosity toward his girlfriend – it’s none of your business, really – nor his travel plans. He’s entitled to have a life.
I didn’t pay my parents back for college. I don’t expect my son to pay us back. He’s going to be full pay at a private school. Assuming no merit aid, where would a kid who graduates from college at 21 or 22 get enough money to repay that by his mid-20’s or even his mid-30’s?
As others have said, you have no legal grounds to compel repayment. And trying to do so would likely ruin your relationship.
If you wanted to loan him the costs of the fifth year of school then you should have had an enforceable contract drawn up, with a payment schedule, and had him sign it after he turned 18.
If the agreement was that he would pay for year 5, he should be doing this on a regular basis. I wouldn’t make it an onerous payment. I would make it a small one but he should consider it a regular bill to pay, like all others. My mom always said that the (OurLastName) bank is always open until the time that you miss a payment. She helped me out for things like car repairs and I paid back as agreed every time.
Fast forward 40 years and I still have perfect credit and perfect repayment on anything I have ever borrowed because I took those early lessons to heart.
You didn’t have him sign a contract and that said, there is probably not much you can or want to do to pursue it. But I would sure have a talk with him, remind him of your agreement, and state that he needs to prioritize this repayment along with his other non-negotiable bills before he buys nonessentials. I would not harp on the nonessentials you have noticed but I would state that IF he is buying a lot of nonessentials like (clothing, jewelry, unnecessary tech items, vacations, etc), then this needs to be re-prioritized until his obligation is met. He trusted you to provide the funds when you did so, and you trusted him to pay back.
I paid for 4 years for my son and he had a scholarship also. His 5th year was grad school and I lost my job so he paid per his summer income, winter income (home for holidays working on the UPS truck) and school loans. He paid those federal loans back in 3 years. He did go to a state school also. We have a very close relationship.
You paid on the front end. I would recommend sitting down with him and going through his finances and set a budget for him to pay you over a longer period of time. If you are in dire need of the money, then increase the monthly payback. Put this in writing also. But don’t let this ruin your relationship with your son.
Do not bring up what he spends his money on his girlfriend or trips. He is paying you back something. Possibly after budgeting increase that amount slightly and could increase if he gets raises with his job. My mom has lent or gave me money over the years. I am the child who is handling all of her medical needs and my husband is helping her with her finances.
In general I don’t think kids should be obligated to repay their parents. However, in this case, repayment was agreed upon by both parties before he ever began college. And, since he appears to be on his feet now, I would bring it up one time only. Say something along the lines of, “If you recall when you chose your college path, you made a gentlemen’s agreement to pay me back for the fifth year. It seems you are now in a financial position to make good on your promises. Thus, I now expect to be paid $____ on the first business day after each payday for the next ___ months.” If he doesn’t follow through, and you have other heirs, I would change my will to reflect the loan and any interest that would affect the other heirs. If he is your only, he’ll end up dealing with your debt anyway.
Your expectations are not realistic at all. Most parents do not expect pay back from their kids. Telling a new grad that they need to pay back a year of tuition in 3 years is not realistic nor do most 18 year olds get what that means unless you sat down with him at that time with his potential new grad salary and what that would be each month and what his lifestyle would look like. That was YOUR mistake. You could have agreed to cosign a loan for him for that year and then he’d be making payments to a bank instead of you wishing it would magically happen.
If this money is important to your budget, sit down with him and write up an agreement that he pays you an affordable amount each month. His finances are now none of your concern. If you have the ability, tell him that’s a gift and you don’t need to help him with a wedding or a house and keep your gifts to him on the down low.
Didn’t you ever have a new boyfriend/girlfriend as a young adult? It’s an exciting time. That has nothing to do with the relationship he has with his parents.
NO! Never. Why would you even verbally expect this payback? I certainly hope you never took out loans to do this for him. If so, you were very foolish. What teen has any concept of college finances?
My parents scraped up the money to help me with college (and it was relatively so much cheaper back then). By the time I finished residency and would have had the income to give them money my mother had died and my father never spent the money I would give him (sigh). Their philosophy was to pay forward, ie the next generation.
While you certainly did not owe your son his college education you agreed to pay for him to go to a more expensive school with a five year graduation expectation.
Please do not put a dollar and cents price tag on your relationship with your son. Unless you (foolishly for having agreed to spend above your means for his education) need the money now why would you expect it?
I would not be surprised to find that your son does not remember any agreement to pay you back. Good for him for having a life. He earned his salary and it is nice he is doing things now instead of waiting until he is too old to enjoy them.
Wow! If I were you, I’d chalk it up to the ups and downs of parenting, and, unless you are in dire financial straits, move on and be glad you were able to afford your S a successful college experience, presumably resulting in a rewarding career.
As for your S spending $ on his gf - if he’s happy with her and she brings him happiness, I would be happy knowing that he’s happy, not contemplating my legal options. I’d venture a guess that exercising legal action is a sure fire way to lose your S for a very long time, if not forever.
Since you think you had an agreement, sit down with him. Tell him you are counting on regular payments as part of your cash flow. Work with him to establish a regular payment amount he can live with and set up automated payment to you. I’d just be matter of fact. Seems like $250 a month would be a reasonable starting ask on your side. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t remember. So try to get him to agree to something and use billpay on his bank acct to send you checks. My kids pay part of their phone plans that way.
I was once told…if you give someone money with no written agreement to have it paid back…you need to be prepared never to see that money again.
We have loaned money to a relative…gentlemen’s agreement only…and have been paid back in a short period of time. So if she asked again…we would loan her money again.
But when we do…we always expect it to be a gift and never repaid. Otherwise…we would not give her the money.
“I think most parents who pay for college expect their kids to pay them back for their entire 4 years by their mid-20s,”
The cost of college plus the limited salary potential of most new grads makes this impractical in most cases.
We gave our kids a budget, and they stuck with it. We told them that this much money was their’s for education, and we did not expect to be paid back. We actually lied about the budget, and could have afforded 5 years at the rate that we claimed to afford for 4. It did occur to us that things can go wrong or 4 years can turn to 5 and sometimes prices overrun the original estimate.
We eventually told the kids that they have that extra money.
If you can afford it, I would be inclined to tell your son that the remaining loan can be forgotten as your gift to him, and then if you have any other children give them the same amount. Of course tell son you are doing this. You should of course be aware that when giving other kids that same amount there is a maximum per year to avoid having tax implications.
It is not easy being a young adult. It sounds as if your DS is a good son but not any more perfect that my DD of nearly (not quite) the same age.
Not in my experience. In most families I know, the parents do not expect to be paid back. And I think that few young adults would have that kind of money by their mid-20s anyway.
I lent money to my son when he was in his mid-20s, with a set repayment date (verbal but explicit). He paid me back on time. I would lend him money again, but I don’t think it will ever be necessary.
I feel that if you made a verbal agreement with your son he should pay you back for that one year. Once these kids get into the real world and see what their take home pay is they get a wake up call after taxes, insurance and expenses.
I would sit down with him without his girlfriend to come up with a sensible plan. One that works for his budget and yours. I would not involve his gf as that might put a wedge between you.
You might have to complete an addition form as the giver…but unless your gift exceeds several million dollars, there is NO tax implication. Gift tax is based on lifetime gift limit.
Also, the total gifts are PER recipient…not a total of all gifts you give in a year to everyone. So you don’t add all those gifts together for all your kids.