First a few words about myself: I’m a foreign national from Europe who has been living and working in the US for the past 15 years. I’m holding a PhD from a European university and therefore was blessed with a tuition free education and do not have any experience of my own with the american education system, which is part of the reason I’m writing today. This is a very personal post about the situation in my family and I’m not sure if posts that personal are common in this forum. So, if you don’t like to read personal posts please stop right here and don’t waste your time. To the most part this is a request for feedback to understand potential cultural differences? How much can you expect a young student to invest in his own future? Should there be limitations to the support that parents have to provide? How far would you go to help your child? I’d appreciate your feedback.
The question is about my 19 year old step son. He used to be an A-student but in High School he started to refuse to study, finish assignments or turn in homework. My wife and I warned him early on about the consequences this will have for his future. We also have three younger kids of the ages between 5 and 7 and I will be retired already by the time they are of collgege age. Therefore, we pointed out to him that he needs to do everything he can to help lessen the burden for his college education and that maintaining the excellent grades he used to receive would be a way to secure financial aid and scholarships. Since he is a member of a minority he could have an edge over others when it comes to scholarships should his academic credentials be where they used to be. Long story short, he decided not to follow our advice. Even when the time came to take the SAT he flat out refused to study. Also did he not make any attempts to research the possibility of scholarships nor was he willing to apply for any (agreed it might have been useless).
After high school graduation we told him that since he hasn’t done anything in order to support his own education we will only be willing to lend him the money to attend the local cc for the next two years to keep costs in check. If he would use the time to demonstrate that he belongs to a better school (by actually studying and getting respective grades) we would not require him to pay us back. We would also expect him to reserach scholarships that could be a fit and work/save as he has a job working three nights a week for a couple of hours.
Now the first year of cc is up and not much has changed: Acceptable grades are in sports and Religion. The rest is less than mediocre. Math was dropped early enough to not affect the GPA. Reason was the bad math teacher. Apparently, this would not be a problem at a “real school” as there the teachers are better.(BTW, he wants to be a Computer Science major.) Potential scholarships were not researched. Money was not saved. But: He applied undecided to a well reputed state school and surprisingly got in. While I was not willing to make a financial committment my wife offered to help when he saves as much as he can in the months until college starts (he just landed a part-time job with a national retailer). His next step was to quit this job as he thought my wife would probably still pay as she wants him to have this chance so badly (or so he thinks). As a consequence, both of us my wife and myself no longer want to help but as the deadline is approaching my wife is having second thoughts. Therefore I’d like to hear some more opinions.
- How would you have dealt with this? Have we been too harsh?
- Co-signing a loan for someone with this history appears to be calling for trouble. Since my wife took back her offer to help he claims to have changed but there are no actions to back it up. Any thoughts?
- I think he doesn’t even deserve financial help for the second year of cc since he hasn’t done anything the first year around. We might as well have spend the money elsewhere.
- What are his options now? Is it too harsh to expect him to work let’s say for a year? He still has free room and board at our house.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read.
Considering your current family income and savings how much could you pay this coming school year for college?
Do the younger kids have college savings accounts?
Would you feel any different about helping him if he were your biological son?
Madison85, thanks for your reply. Here are my answers real quick:
Considering your current family income and savings how much could you pay this coming school year for college?
- It would have to come from the emergency fund not from current income.
Do the younger kids have college savings accounts?
-Yes they do have a 529.
Would you feel any different about helping him if he were your biological son?
- That’s difficult to answer as it is a hypothetical question. Let me try to say this: I think what matters more is whether he is also willing to help his family. Both to help him and also on other occasions where the family would need his help.
Can you explain why you are asking these questions?
^^To understand your personal situation better and pose questions for your own reflection. You specifically pointed out that he is your step-son so my first thought had to do with if your expectations or willingness to help or 529 plan would be different if he was not a step-son.
Unrelated comment: some day if you are collecting Social Security and any of your kids are under 18 or still in high school they will get monthly SS checks too (which you could add to their 529 accounts).
No, you haven’t been too harsh. He was given a reasonable expectation and he made his choices.
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2) Co-signing a loan for someone with this history appears to be calling for trouble
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Yes, it would be. Don’t do it.
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t my wife offered to help when he saves as much as he can in the months until college starts (he just landed a part-time job with a national retailer). His next step was to quit this job as he thought my wife would probably still pay as she wants him to have this chance so badly
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Sounds like he’s impulsive and has some entitlement issues.
Annoyingdad, thanks. He is a US citizen but fafsa says no help.
Madison85, thanks, I understand the questions are for my reflection. But I was hoping to also get an opinion/point of view + reason for it from you and thought you need the answers to come up with that. 
anyways, thank you
I’m a little unclear. How poorly did this student do?
We asked that our kids maintain a 3.0 GPA in college because that is what they needed to keep,their scholarships. We made it clear that if they didn’t, we would not continue to fully fund their private college costs.
Both got at least one C in college, but maintained that 3.0 average. One of my kids got a C-.
So…how poorly did this student do? You say some of his grades are unacceptable…but for some parents, that would be a B. For others it would be a D. What is your threshold for this?
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After high school graduation we told him that since he hasn’t done anything in order to support his own education we will only be willing to lend him the money to attend the local cc for the next two years to keep costs in check. If he would use the time to demonstrate that he belongs to a better school (by actually studying and getting respective grades) we would not require him to pay us back. We would also expect him to reserach scholarships that could be a fit and work/save as he has a job working three nights a week for a couple of hours.
Now the first year of cc is up and not much has changed: Acceptable grades are in sports and Religion. The rest is less than mediocre. Math was dropped early enough to not affect the GPA. Reason was the bad math teacher. Apparently, this would not be a problem at a “real school” as there the teachers are better.(BTW, he wants to be a Computer Science major.) Potential scholarships were not researched. Money was not saved.
But: He applied undecided to a well reputed state school and surprisingly got in. While I was not willing to make a financial committment my wife offered to help when he saves as much as he can in the months until college starts (he just landed a part-time job with a national retailer). His next step was to quit this job as he thought my wife would probably still pay as she wants him to have this chance so badly (or so he thinks). As a consequence, both of us my wife and myself no longer want to help but as the deadline is approaching my wife is having second thoughts. Therefore I’d like to hear some more opinions.
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First of all, I doubt that math would be better at the “real school”. If this is calculus, then a CC can adequately teach Calc. He probably just didn’t apply himself, or didn’t do the assignments.
Is this state school one that he can commute to?
Hello thumper1,
Thanks a lot for your question what my threshold for unacceptable versus acceptable grades is. Well the truth is I don’t have one. It makes perfect sense to me that you have one since the scholarship of your kids is tied to it. In my case it would be rather arbitrary. Also, not every kid is equally talented and capable or is going through different phases that can make it more or less difficult. So, I rather like to look at the effort someone is willing to put into things. If my child would get Bs without putting any effort into it I’d not be happy as with some effort he or she would certainly be able to get As. Which then would increase the chances of getting scholarships/financial aid etc. If a child flat out refuses to apply any effort, doesn’t even prepare for the SAT a single minute, is not willing to work and save then I start having problems regardless of the grades, because it says that for him it is perfectly fine if we as his parents have to foot the entire college bill ourselves and that he is not willing to help shoulder the smallest portion of the burden.
To answer your question about the actual grades. I believe the two subjects I mentioned were the only ones better than a C.
I feel your offer to loan him the money for CC with the potential of having it forgiven if he did well was more than fair. However, did you lay down a GPA and course load requirement with him PRIOR to his enrolling? Did you specifically say “no D’s” or “no dropped classes.” Since I don’t know what your interpretation of “poor” is, it’s hard to say whether that aspect of your deal was fair or not. If his gpa was strong enough to get him into a reputable state school, then it may be that your expectations are too high. I couldn’t really say though since I don’t have the kids transcript in front of me.
I agree that he’s too risky to co-sign a loan. Since your agreement for the university was that he work and save, but he decided to quit… well, that’s a no-brainer. Can’t give him the money for university now.
You asked what we require from our kids in terms of college. My D pays for her own books, supplies and entertainment. She also takes out a small subsidized loan each year to pay for the student section of her tuition. We help her pick away at them but they are essentially hers and the bulk of repayment will be hers. She knows that we can’t possibly afford her college without her scholarship and grant so she must keep a 3.0 so as not to lose them. For us, it’s not a motivator but a financial necessity that she help.
Where do you go from here? Well, if it were me, I’d nix the university idea. You had an agreement and he failed to see it through. If he was passing all his classes at the CC with a C or higher (and still keeping enough units to be considered a full time student) then I would extend the offer to loan funds for one more year of CC (with a set level of achievement required.) I’d also still offer to forgive the loan if he got his act together. As for the university, if he got in this year, he should not have trouble getting into a school next year. I might try a fund-matching agreement where we’d match up to a certain amount of whatever he earned towards college. At that point, he could take out a federal loan under his own name (no co-signing on your part) and figure it out.
@parentindespair - you indicated this is a stepson. Does he have a biological dad who helps support him?
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believe the two subjects I mentioned were the only ones better than a C.
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So, he has nearly all “C’s” and a couple of higher grades? Sounds like his cum GPA is under a 2.5? I can see why you’re concerned.
Hello mom2collegekids,
Thanks for your comments. I do not even know the exact numbers as I’m not too familiar with the system and woudn’t care too much if I saw that he is dedicated and committed to make it happen. Even dropping a class could make strategically sense if you noticed that you have no chance at the moment. But the consequence cannot be to just leave it alone but to make a catch-up pan and act on it.
How many credits did he accumulate last year?
It sounds like he should continue at the CC at least for another year.
Is the state univ that accepted him near your home? Or would he have to dorm at that school? How much does this school cost?
You don’t need to demonstrate financial need for the student to be eligible to receive unsubsidized federal loans. Generally a student can borrow $5500, $6500, $7500 and $7500 over the 4 years. How much is offered can be affected by the cost of attendance and any other finaid the student receives. It may be that the COA at the CC is why unsub loans may not have been offered there but I would think for the university some amount would have been offered. Federal loans are in the student’s name.
That’s just some technical info but it doesn’t sound to me, and you are the best judge, that he’s mature enough to be taking on any debt for his education at this point and I wouldn’t consider cosigning for private loans in excess of the federal loans he can borrow in his name.
Some community colleges do not take part in the Direct Loan program…at all.
Make him get a job and support himself until he decides that getting an education would be a better alternative.
- Is the state univ that accepted him near your home? Or would he have to dorm at that school? How much does this school cost?
mom2colegekids, the school is a 3 hour drive away and costs close to 25k a year. Minus the roughly 6k the student can get in federal loans we can assume a total investment of close to 60k for the 3 years that are left.